One Last Post For 2016

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It is New Year’s Eve and this will be the last post for 2016. I know this year has had its ups and downs. We have lost people this year like every year. We have had some hard times and let go of stuff we loved but have gotten new stuff to love more. I am sure you have tons of stories about this year.

I wanted to give you a run down on our stories. I am working on two Miss Nose Evil Joe Files stories. I have a Miss Nose story that is turning into a novel. Really, it is getting long. It is longer than the 2000 words I usually write for Miss Nose stories. I have two other stories I am working on as well that are still in their infancy. Mainly I have the story map done on them with some of the story actually written out. They are developing. I am still working on my Ackerman Lake Murders and  have thought about rewriting them a bit making Ackerman Lake a town outside of Munising. It is really just a lake with houses around it and is located outside of Munising. It is near Au Train at least near the road you turn on to get to Au Train. I am working on the Stalking of Katie still as well for the #shapingyourstory. I really am trying to make my writing much better and more enjoyable.

I have been working on my very first blog that used to be on blogger but I moved it here to wordpress. I have been doing chanting challenges on there and writing up some reiki articles. I am writing some stories on massage, muscles, and injuries which I am thinking about placing on that blog.

I have been reading books in my spare time and I have some that I really need to write reviews on and get on this blog. When you are doing laundry as a massage therapist, you need something to help pass the time and reading is mine. I even read when I am waiting in between clients. I read at lunch instead of being on my phone or computer. It gives my hands a break since writing, typing, and massage really takes a toll on them.

I am thinking about a year in review blog, but what is there to review? If you have something you really like about 2016’s posts, let me know and I can make a special best of the year from the readers!

I hope your new year is great and abundant. From Miss Nose and myself, HAPPY NEW YEAR! We welcome 2017 we great expectations. Maybe this year Miss Nose will find the man of her dreams!

 

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Blessed Wednesday of Nothingville

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Miss Nose and I want to wish you a happy Wednesday. The creepy pasta we are working on for October’s Halloween time is about 1800’s Fayette where we have the ghost town and Garden Michigan. We had some savory people then and I am just gonna make up names but use the true tale. I hope you will all enjoy it.

I am still working on my #shapingyourstory of the Stalking of Katie. I hope to have that ready for Halloween time as well. I hope you will all enjoy it. I am hoping to have all the stories ready for you for this brand new month.

I pray your blessings are many!

Nancy

 

The Mean Neighbor

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I survived being eaten by a monster during our summer vacation from school. The monster lives three doors down from Grandma. I really thought I was lunch for sure! You see, it happened like this:

Dick, Maggie, and I were all out front of Grandma’s house playing stickball when I hit the home run. The only thing is, I made the ball fly high and it ended up in old man Garrett’s window. Mr.Garrett is an evil old man who lives on our block. We are always told by adults to stay away from him. He is some sort of war hero and respect but he is mean and cranky. We played rock-paper-scissors to see who would go to the house and retrieve our ball. Maggie had rock, Dick had rock, and I picked scissors. I lost and was nervous going to the house.

Mr. Garrett lives three doors down from Grandma. You would never know how my feet had lead in them as I was heading to his house. All I kept thinking about was the stories I have been told about him. Did you know he eats children? I didn’t want to find out if that was even true. I kept looking behind me hoping Dick and Maggie would come running up and say, “we will go with you” but they never did. They stood there frozen like popsicles to first base watching me drag my feet all the way to his door.

I finally got to his big, red door. Why his door is red we don’t really know? We think it is stained with the blood of his victims. I told you he eats children, right? Grandma tells me he will eat me for breakfast every time I am bad.

I found myself in his yard. I took a deep breath and decided to run around his house a bit and see if I could find the ball. I went through the gate, looked quickly to both sides of the front lawn, ran to the right side of the house, through the backyard, zigzagging around it looking, and then to the left side of the house, The ball of course, was not in the yard. Ain’t that all a hoot!

I had no choice but to look up and I saw the attic window broken. I know Grandma will want me to take responsibility and will call Dick and Maggie’s parent to help pay for it, but I have to give him the information and retrieve our ball. I walked up the three front porch steps, saw the door bell, and pushed it.

The bell rang loudly inside and I could hear Mr. Garrett coming to the door. He was screaming, “Hold on to your damn britches. I am coming.” I did tell you he was mean, cranky, and ate children, I did, right? My heart started beating wildly in my chest. I could really feel it. My heart wanted to jump out of my chest and run away from Mr. Garrett as much I did.

Mr. Garrett opened the door. He looked puzzled at first until he looked down and saw me, his next meal! I gulped. “Well what do you want?” he screamed at me.

“Our ball hit your window and we would like it back. I can give you Grandma’s number and we will pay for the window.” I said softly barely getting it out.

“What’s that?” he said. “You need to speak up. I can’t hear mumbling.” He peered at me like a hawk eyeing the mouse on the ground.

I repeated what I said. I am not sure if it came out exactly the same. I actually had to repeat it twice before he caught on. Finally he squinted his eyes at me and shoved me from the doorway. He walked down the three steps and looked up. His face got really red and he stomped up the stairs and back into his house screaming about today’s society of children and words no one should ever hear or say. He came back to the door with my ball and said, “You will get this back when your Grandma calls me to arrange payment for my window.” I blinked and said, “ok.” I turned and walked toward the gate. Once I reached the gate, I hurriedly opened it and ran. I ran like I was being chased by a giant T-Rex. I couldn’t wait to get back to Dick and Maggie.

I had to go tell Grandma. She wasn’t very happy with the three of us nor with Mr. Garrett. She called Dick’s mom and then Maggie’s. The three of them met up and went to Mr. Garrett’s home. They came back with our ball.

And that is how I survived being eaten by the monster who lived three doors down from Grandma.

Dear Miss Nose

Dear Miss Nose,

How do I get a life or at least know where to put my small fountain in my house where it does not leave bad luck.

Sincerely,

Sleepless and unfortunate in Phoenix.

I decided you needed the feng shui version. There are various cultures who will tell you to put it someplace else. Always go with the flow of whom you purchased the item from.

A fountain is a wonderful item to place in your home. The flowing water is a symbol of wealth and prosperity and fountains bring the energy of water to you. There are three items you should purchase and put near your fountain. A dragon, fish, and a white Jambhala. The dragon should look like it is drinking, the white Jambhala should be right under the flow and place on New Year’s Day for best energy in the South West corner, and the fish in the South East corner! One thing you should be careful of is placing a fountain on the right side of your main/front door. By doing so you will bring bad luck to your husband. He will cheat on you and have a second family. The right side is on your right from inside your house as you look at your door!

What you need first is a bagua map. Take that map and place it at your front door or main entrance into your home. That is usually North. Not always but on this map it would be. You can find these maps all over the internet and they are great for anyone who wants to add a little spiritual help to their lives.

Fountains should always have flowing water! Don’t let water sit. It will create stale energy and we want energy to flow. Never put a fountain in your bedroom, bathroom, or kitchen. Each room has a direction and you can find the directions in your living room to place items.

Place the fountain in the East in your Home and Family area (Middle Left), in the South East for your Wealth & Money area (Rear Left), or in the North for your Career and Path in Life (Front Middle). Remember to keep it away from the South (Rear Middle). That is where fire is present and we know what water does to fire!

To get a life, develop your Helpful People, Spiritual Life, & Entertainment area (Front Right)of your home with maps, photos where you want to travel, and other social items.

But for Miss Nose’s best social advice, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GO SOMEWHERE! By getting out and talking to people, you will develop your social life. There are plenty of places to go for free places. Pick up a local newspaper or go online to your cities website. Checking out even free events in your local park can bring you happiness and great abundance of social activities.

Now for your idea of getting a life. You have one! Use it wisely. Create daily goals to fill your life with happiness. If you are happy staying at home and being with your family, then that is where you should be. If you are happy finding a crochet group, then find one. If you play an instrument, join a band. Life is short! Make the most use of your 86,400 seconds! Do what makes YOU happy!

Loves

Em

If you need advice from Miss Nose, contact us.

Dear Miss Nose

Dear Miss Nose

Our neighbor, Mr. Shepard, is always leaving tufts of hair in the apartment building’s dryers, especially in the spring. How can we tell him politely to clean out the vents?

Sincerely,

Over heated in the laundry room

Is there a maintenance person or a manager of the complex? I would start there and voice your concerns about fire safety. Maybe you could tell the manager that you will go around with a petition to have a person hired to clean the vents. You could ask the management to “hire” Mr. Shepard as the cleaning person for the laundry area. This way it will be on him to clean all the vent traps as well as wash all the washers or dryers, sweep up the room, and keep it tidy.

Managers are great at letter writing memos to all tenants reminding them of certain “rules”. By not following the “rules” a tenant can be subjected to fines or told they are no longer allowed to use the facilities. 

You can ask management to maybe make everyone come to them with a deposit to use a vent trap for the dryer. They could hold onto your license or some money like $100 and when you bring back the vent, clean of course, you get your money or item back from them. This would definitely make sure that all lint vents are clean.

You could write a reminder note and tape it to the wall. This way it is not just singling out Mr. Shepard. Go buy some really bright poster board and write in big letters placing it in spots all over the laundry area. Some can be placed on the dryers themselves. It could look something like this:

MISS NOSE SIGN

Another way, is to do your laundry while he is there, grab a bunch of clothes into your hands, and ask him to please clean out the vent for you since your hands are full.

Are you able to buy a washer and dryer to hook up in your apartment? This would be ideal and mean you would not have to be in a place that isn’t sanitary for anyone.

The simplest way is of course to just walk up to him and ask. You can say, “Mr. Shepard, will you please do me a favor? Would you please check the lint vents and clean them for me?” Maybe you can bribe him with an apple pie or ask him in a way that makes it seem like you don’t have time. You could use the old pity me because lines. Make him feel sorry for you because you have children or work long hours.

But, I, Miss Nose, would go to the management and have them place some sort of rule or hire someone to clean that area. This would be your best bet since then it would all be sanitary.

Best of luck to you and your fellow tenants.

Loves

Em

If you need advice, contact Miss Nose.

The Evil Joe Files (Revised)

*Another revision. The original is here.*

Our first episode of The Evil Joe Files!

Tillie is off having puppies and Miss Nose is now the local crime reporter

STARRING

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

It was 5 o’clock and time for me to head home when my editor came up to me. “Heard on the scanner, they are after The Evil Mastermind again. Apparently, he just knocked over a Brink’s truck walking away with over 10 million in cold hard cash.”

Wonderful, I thought and rolled my eyes at her.

“Hey, don’t get flippy with me kid. I am just letting you know so you can become a famous news person.”

“Are they sure it was The Evil Mastermind himself or his Minions? I don’t quite see him getting his wings dirty!”

My editor turned around quite fast and glared at me, “All I know is the scanner said it was The Evil Mastermind and the police are going to talk to him.”

“He owns the Chief of Police. I just don’t see how.” I stopped as her hawk eyes narrowed on me.

Since our crime reporter left to have puppies, they have saddled me with her job! Not what I want to be talking about at all! Crime is boring to me. This is no way for any professional cat to make a living. I enjoy fashion and events where I can write about how hideous all the people looked in their gaudy attire. .

This is something entirely different. This is walking around in blood, capturing interviews with police, and the most boring of all just reporting that some stupid criminal did something. I have no idea why we give them airtime. I think if we reduce their airtime then they won’t be out there committing crimes.

I have no choice but to leave my advice column, I am trying to make a daily post in our newspaper, Escanaba Morning Express, and run down to the basement where the geeks live. All the way down there just to get an address and possible names of cops I need to bribe with doughnuts and coffee.

I take the information from the nerds in the hole, get what I need from my desk, and then off I go in my car. All this to get information on some crazy parrot and his criminal conspirators. This gang of birds might as well be the mafia. They are the crime in this city. I bet if they were gone, we would be crime free.

Finally, I arrived at the police station. I had to stop and talk to Donna at the Doughnut King. She knows exactly what coffee and doughnuts these particular officers love. I have to spend my awesome money just to get interviews from these dogs. As usual, I walk in with a box and drink carrier right up to the Desk Sargent.

“Well hellloooo Miss Nose!” I hate his sing songy voice. “How is the news treating you today?”

“Horribly, since I am here today for Tillie and not writing my advice and fashion columns.”

“It can’t be that bad. Why not write an article on our great fashion. We have these beautiful dark blue uniforms made of polyester. They make us sweat wonderfully. They aren’t easy to move in either.”

“Definitely not as great as scrubs. I was at the hospital two nights ago on that stabbing. The desk nurse told me the same thing as you. Are you two married or something?”

“I don’t think so? What was her name? Maybe.”

“You should know if your wife is a nurse.” I said to him and put on my biggest, toothiest smile. “I need to talk to these officers.” I handed him the list from the geek squad.

“Ah. Hold on. I will get you an escort. I have to call up first and see if they are available. I will let them know you have their ‘request’ and it is getting cold. That will help to get you some free time.”

“Thanks much Sargent Hands.” I wagged my tail a bit for that old dog. He is good to me. Tillie tells me he is hard to please and she has to really beg for him to help her get the interviews. I don’t have this problem with any of the dog patrol.

I got up to the third floor in time for the doggies to rope me in. They surrounded me for their treats. Their tails wagging for the coffee and doughnuts they love so much.

“I need to know everything you know about The Evil Mastermind’s latest caper.”

“Well now, we can’t give you everything since we have to hold back something so we can identify the stoolie.”

“The ‘stoolie’? Don’t you mean the suspect? I think you have been reading too many of those old gangster mags. Hold back whatever you like. Just tell me what they were wearing and the other crap that crime readers like.”

Big Dog Sargent or Lieutenant Homer gave me a detailed description of the crazy birds and some details to keep the crime nutters happy. My article that day read like this:

Poorly Dressed Birds take Ten Million from Brink’s Truck

By Miss Nose

Monday morning 8 a.m.

The day was bright with sunshine and the flowers were giving off an aromatic scent when these birds flew the coop for the crime of the century. I nearly choked on my coffee as the dogs down at EPD told me all about it.

A heist was committed by poorly dressed criminals of the underworld. These unfashionable bunch of numpties think they are masterminds of the criminal underground and align themselves with The Evil Mastermind. This crime reporter thinks they should really consider taking a class in fashion. They wore all black and polyester to conceal themselves. What a fashion faux pas. They decided that 8 a.m. was a great time of day to rip off an armored truck. They took a small pipe bomb and used it to blow the door.

The suspects got away with over 10 million dollars and various bonds. With what they are wearing, this crime reporter believes they should be cited for bad taste in fashion. Their shoes were bad pop up shop knock offs. They definitely didn’t want anyone knowing what they truly love to wear.

This crime reporter can tell you that ready to wear is not what you should be wearing. It is as bad as some people thinking pajamas are an ok idea. That may work in India but we are not all out looking for enlightenment. You would be better off looking for Carmena Bengal’s new line. It is intuitive and all the rage for the industrial chic.

They did manage to injure one of the guards. The other was cowering in a corner with blood on his, need I say it, polyester/wool blend uniform. It isn’t the best looking uniform I have ever seen. It could use some modern sprucing maybe with a warm color or an illumination on something better.

They took a young teller wearing yoga pants, a man’s formal shirt, and tennis shoes hostage. Why? I can’t figure. That is the worse idea of office work attire I have ever heard. I would have taken the woman wearing Merle Ragdoll’s latest fox cloak. She also had a handbag made by Wong Siam. But NOOOO they go for the “ready to wear” woman. Do you see me rolling my eyes?

I know Tillie would have a much better crime article for you once she has the puppies. Until Tillie comes back, you have a week filled with silk.

I know not really what the crime buggies want but what do you expect when you give that column to the fashion/advice person. Here is some advice, don’t!

I worked hard, all day on that article, well actually only like 2 hours from interview to finished, and then went onto my real column. I had to finish my advice to “loved like a dog”.

MEANWHILE:

The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist were together eating a meal at Big Joe’s Seed and Pits. They were eating salad, cracking walnuts, and drinking coffee. Plus working on taking over the world.

“I don’t like that idea.” said The Evil Mastermind while taking a drink of his coffee. “You can come up with better. As my sidekick I would suggest you do.”

“I thought it was a great idea.” said the Evil Cockatoo. “I think taking over a social site and convincing everyone to stay on it day and night would be wonderful for us.”

“And how does that help us take over the world?” asked The Evil Mastermind pinpointing his pupils at The Evil Cockatoo. “People are too busy to stay on a social network all day. How would they make money? How would they see their friends? This is not acceptable.”

“I agree. How about a vaccine that poisons their system and they have to pay for it? We can make them believe they have to have it to stay healthy. We can get rich off of our poison.”

“You are as nuts as The Evil Cockatoo. Who in their right mind would buy poison thinking it would keep them healthy? I am thinking about running for President and then enacting a bill making me supreme ruler of the world.”

“Oh that is a good one boss.” Evil Cockatoo and Mad Scientist said simultaneously. “Now put your heads together, do the research, and tell me how to make this happen.”

 

This concludes our first episode. Stay tune for more Evil Joe Files. Next time, the minions will take over a corn shop.

Miss Nose Meets a Psychic (Revised)

*This one took me a while to figure out. I had blue font on the original. I figured out how to clear the formatting so I can make it match my theme. Yay. Original is fixed from that blue as well. Another YAY! Original here. This is going to look much better now!*

This week on The Evil Joe Files:

The Minions find a corn shop and decide to break out on their own without The Evil Mastermind.

Miss Nose meets a psychic.

 

STARRING

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

 

Friday

I was writing  my advice column when Mrs. Coffee, my editor in chief, came over to my desk with a huge latte. My suspicions peeked as soon as I see her coming across the floor and the smell of my favorite latte can mean only one thing. She wants me to do something I am not going to want to do. My suspicions are soon confirmed with my editor reaching my desk. “The Minions called. They decided to do a job on their own and are now wanting to talk to YOU.”

ME!” I couldn’t tell what she was up to but I can bet nothing good. She gave me an address which turned out to be an abandoned building once used as a brewery.

The Minions offered me a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I declined and asked if they had coffee. “Negative.” said Zippy. “We don’t drink that shit at all. We like the real sugar water made by Pepsi-Cola.”

I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, ‘figures!‘ The Minions could tell I was agitated by them. “Why did you call me? Why am I here?”

“We decided to do a job on our own. And you will never believe what we saw there.” said Nineteen.

Nineteen is a very beautiful red hen and very sophisticated. She may be the last numbered hen but she is the leader that is for sure.

“Look” said Roger, “ we were there minding our own business and planning a caper when we discovered something in the vault.”

Fifteen offered me some pie. I waved my hand no to her and backed slightly away. I really am not in the mood to eat anything from their lair.

“We are really great cooks.” she said looking at me sadly as if I offended her. I could tell from her face that she wanted me to have some pie.

Finally, I couldn’t take her looking at me like that anymore so I said, “Fine. Give me a piece of pie!”

Fifteen sliced me a piece and put it neatly on a plate with a scoop of chocolate ice cream. She then put whipped cream on top with sprinkles and a cherry. I took a bite and to my amazement, it was the best damn piece of pie I ever ate! I was trying really hard to keep a piece in my mouth because I wanted to ask Rodney a question after he said,”We met this cat down there and she said we were going to work with you on a major case!”

How do you get out, ‘what major case?’ and ‘what is the cat’s name?’ when you have pie shoved in your mouth? I tried to ask but pie went flying out as I tried to speak. I resigned myself to just finishing my piece of pie and then I could ask my questions.

I finished my pie and started asking The Minions the two vital questions I wanted to ask when my mouth was filled with the most mouth watering piece of pie I have ever tasted! Why these hens don’t open a bakery is beyond me? Anyway, back to my questions.

“What is this major crime we are going to work on?” I asked the Minions. “And what is this cat’s name? By the way, why is it you don’t open a bakery? That pie was amazing!”

“We were there and this cat, she kept saying, we were to go back to our hangout, call Miss Nose.”

“Wait a minute!” I said, “ Tell me this story from the very beginning. Like from the moment you woke up.”

Raymond started once again, “We got up at 3 am like usual. All of us guys started crowing and the hens got up. They started laying eggs and cooking them up for us. We started to formulate what kind of job we were going to do. We have been discussing this for the past week but today was the day we were going to actually do it. We were going over the plan. Who would be where and when. What time the truck would show up. What the guards would be doing. The whole thing. We watched this truck for over a month and we knew exactly what they did.”

Raymond walked over to a white flip board that had a peg board on the back. When he turned it over, the peg board had a ton of pictures on it. I could see they were meticulously planning this heist. They even had a schedule of all the officers for the armored truck, the time when it hit each establishment, and what days of the week it had the most money. I listened intently to their spiel and got what information these bird brains could remember.

Saturday

I went to where The Minions where casing to see what they were trying to heist. Amazingly the place and armored vehicle went to a corn meal shop. I rolled my eyes. I am not sure if they are robbing the joint for the cornmeal or for money. Crazy chickens! I watched nearly all day and even found a new coffee shop across the street from the cornmeal establishment. I purchased a large mocha white chocolate coffee! That was so yum! It made me purr.

I kept watch for this so called cat that stated we would be working on the same case. Where was she? I had no clue if what the minions told me was true or not. They spend so much time with The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist that they could be coo coo for all I know. I decided to finally give up and I went home to write up my articles I needed done for Monday’s paper. I have three advice questions and a fashion show to cover,  ALL FOR MONDAY!

I was drained from my all day stake out of the minions heist area. I had taken a bunch of photos of the day as well. I took out my sd card and popped it into my slot on the computer. I will deal with those photos later, I thought as the notification came up asking what I want to do with the sd card.

I needed to get my column done. It didn’t take me long to get a great draft done for my editor. I took the stories I had written and emailed them off to the editor for final proof. My editor was actually an English teacher before she retired and let me tell you, she is hell on wheels about all my grammar. Don’t put one period or comma out of place with her. She is tough. One time I had a spelling mistake and she was on me for three days with spelling tests.

That’s when the call came through.

It was one of the hens, Rosita, with news. Seems that cat returned and actually found the abandoned building they were shacked up in. Apparently she even took Zippy hostage and wants me to negotiate for his safe return. I rolled my eyes. I guess this is my major case! I get the number from “Rosita” and call it.

Finally, you acknowledge me.” said some freaky voice on the other end. She sound like a bad psychic on a horror movie. Bella LaGoosey she wasn’t. “I told the minions you would be working with me and them on a major case.”

“Yeah right, okay then. Can you just speak normal?”

“Oh my.” she said dropping the goofy accent. “I can see there is no mystery with you.”

Really?” I offered up no surprise in my voice. “Why don’t you just send Zippy home? The hens have enough to worry about without you adding to it.”

“Well, I guess but I need to share a vision with you. Will you at least come down to Mitten’s Bar and Grill for a cup of tea with me?”

“Sure, as soon as they call and say Zippy is home.”

“Done.”

Two hours later I got the call that Zippy was home and the psychic wanted me at Mitten’s for 6. I will never get these articles done.

6pm Saturday

I got to Mitten’s at 5:45 sat at the bar and waited. No cat seemed out of the ordinary to me until she walked in. I rolled my eyes at that getup. She walked right pass me and found some young man to sit next to. Then I see a cat by the window. Dressed in a normal business suit get up and walk to the bar. I wondered if this was her. Nope. I certainly wasn’t going to wait all day for this dame.

It was 6:30 before my cellphone rang. It was the psychic. “Meet me in the alley” was all I heard then click. I went out to the alley. There was a white cat all dirty and bloody. She had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. Her long hair was matted. There was blood coming from wounds some from her face and others from different parts of her body.

“What the hell happened to you? Did the minions do this?” I was so shocked at the sight of her. I was sure someone did this.

“No. Not the minions. A cat who is more evil than The Evil Mastermind. As a matter of fact, he works for The Evil Mastermind. They call him The Shadow Killer. He is huge and pure black! And he knows how to make you say what he wants to hear.” She started to cry.

I started thinking whatever this major case is this must be the start of it so I asked her, “Tell me. What is the major case I am suppose to be helping you and the minions on?”

“They found The Shadow Killer’s vault in the corn shop they were going to hold up. That vault holds all his weapons and torture equipment. He is The Evil Mastermind’s bully. But what The Evil Mastermind doesn’t know is, The Shadow Killer wants him dead so he can take over. I need you to stop him. If he comes into power, we are all dead.”

“Why don’t you just go to the police?” then it hit me as soon as the words flew from my mouth. I knew the answer. The cops all work for The Evil Mastermind and they weren’t going to cross The Shadow Killer if he works for The Evil Mastermind.

Then I said, “Never mind I know. What can I do to help?”

“We need to expose him. We need pictures and a taped confession. We need something to bring to the Chief of Police who will take it to The Evil Mastermind. Proof. We need proof.”

With that. I knew this was going to take a while. I will have to go undercover and talk to my editor. Damn. Sometimes I hate being a reporter. Why can’t I just stay with fashion and advice?

Next time on  The Evil Joe Files:

Miss Nose gets an exclusive

Mr. Chin (Revised)

*This is a revised version of Mr. Chin. The original can be found here. I updated some of it. What do you think?*

This week on the Evil Joe Files:

Ruby, the psychic makes a prediction

Miss Nose gets the exclusive

STARRING

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

Saturday’s edition of the Escanaba Morning Express featured Tillie’s article on the front page.

MR. SIMON CHIN FOUND DEAD IN BUILDING

by Tillie Treater

Mr. Simon Chin founder of the world’s best dog biscuit treat company was found dead at his biscuit warehouse on South 11th Street in Escanaba. He was discovered by several investors who were there for a meeting. “There are signs of a struggle.” said Lieutenant Clyde Barker of EPD. Lieutenant Barker refused to answer more questions concerning the case. His partner Lieutenant Bonnie Chihound gave the famous “no comment” as she always does for cases.

By talking to witnesses, I gathered this information. Mr. Chin got a mysterious call at home and hurriedly left the house. His wife Tiger-Lilly, a famous supermodel, said she called the police earlier this morning after not hearing from Simon. She told this reporter, “Simon always came home after all deals and beat me silly then he demanded wifely duties.” Obviously Mr. Chin was a violent man and Tiger-Lilly was his punching bag.

I talked to neighbors who informed me of his time with the Evil Mastermind. I was told he is part of the underground syndicate. Mr. Simon Chin was named Civilian of the Year for 2015 and 2014 by Mayor MacBuff. He was considered by many as a humanitarian willing to do anything for anyone. He was a major contributor to many charities. Many will miss Mr. Chin.

This is the morning newspaper editions front page news. Mr. Chin died at his warehouse. He was murdered by someone and he was beloved by many. I knew him as a great guy but I never knew about his time with the Evil Mastermind until the psychic called me all frantic.

I finally found out the psychics name. It is Ruby. That is all she will tell me. No last name. No middle name. I am not even sure if it is her real name but she goes by Ruby. Fine. Something to actually call her by instead of ‘hey you’.

I know how hard it is to go ‘undercover’. My editor refused to let me go like some of the other journalists do. She said I was to notorious for an undercover mission so she sent in an assistant who still doesn’t have any column of his own. She thinks it is better this way, but she really doesn’t get Miss Nose does she? I decided that I would get myself invited to some premiere parties. CHA CHING! I found several of the Evil Mastermind’s companies have art, fashion, and the type of entertainment that I can use in my articles like the ballet. I found being undercover wasn’t that hard at all. I was blending in nicely and learning quite a bit about the Evil Mastermind and his operation.

Sunday

It was a gorgeous day for just lounging around. I was getting all my work caught up and writing up an article on an art exhibit thrown for charity by the Evil Mastermind. The art charity exhibit was looking like this:

The community came together on Friday, February 27, for an art exhibit for the Children’s Hospital and St. Joseph’s Soup Kitchen at the beautiful Bonifas Fine Arts Center. It was a beautiful night with a full moon illuminating the Bonifas Fine Arts Center. What a great night for a wonderful party.

The function was hosted by Joe Macaw. The local artists featured for the charity event included Cat Fissco, Mr. Biggie Chun, King, and our local Fredya Half. The even made over 3 million dollars for the charities involve. Local talent came out in festive numbers. Ann Miclaire wore a stunning Meow dress which sparkled in the moonlight. Meow himself even made an appearance buying a Cat Fissco. The community showed great support for the soup kitchen by including a meal. All drinks and dinner plates ordered were given to St. Joseph’s Soup Kitchen. The buy in was $50 per plate with drinks costing $2 per glass.

I was working in the pictures and adding comments about each one when Ruby called me. I had a picture in my hand when I picked up the receiver and said, “Hello.” The picture was of The Evil Mastermind giving the $3,980,000 check to the heads of the charities. Harry McLairy was behind the Evil Mastermind making rabbit ears. Next to him was someone I didn’t expect to see at all. It was none other than Felix Santago. Felix Santago is the head of a drug cartel out of Cuba. Fancy meeting him at an event like this.

I was staring at the picture so intently when I heard Ruby say, “ Are you there? Are you listening to me? Hello!” I snapped back quickly. “Sorry Ruby. What do you need?” “ I was trying to tell you the vision I had of the Evil Mastermind. He was scaling a building and there was fire all around him. I have no idea what it all means, but he was trying to get away from the fire. I also got a call from someone saying they know who killed Mr. Chin.” Now my ears perked up. I started to think to myself.

Monday

After a pot of coffee, I made my way to the office. I just had to talk to Tillie. I needed to find out who was in charge of Mr. Chin’s homicide. The answer was there somewhere ,whether in the autopsy or in the police file. I took the elevator up to the 5th floor and waltzed right over to Tillie’s desk.

“Tillie, do you know who is in charge of Mr. Chin’s homicide?”

“And a good morning to you too, Miss Nose!”

“Sorry Tillie. Good morning, Tillie. Now spill.”

“It wasn’t obvious from my news article? It is the same two detectives. Lieutenants Clyde Barker and Bonnie Chihound. They still have the case and are hopping mad. They wanted it to go to the new dick on the force. The new detective is Joseph ‘Joe’ Hopper and is he good.”

“Huh. I was sure they would pass it off to someone wanting to make a name for themselves.”

“Me too, but they didn’t. Bonnie doesn’t play politics so they are giving the dynamic duo the jobs no one else wants or are unsolvable to teach her a lesson.”

I hurried off to my desk. I figured I could call the police station and talk to Clyde at least. No such luck there. Apparently the dynamic duo refuse to talk to anyone, no matter what. That would mean I needed to figure out a plan and fast. I needed to know what happened to Mr. Chin. I know they have to be getting an autopsy done. Something that will tell me what is going on. I am certain the Evil Mastermind had Mr. Chin taken out. I just had to prove it.

I spent my work hours looking for events where I could go undercover. I had to get the information on the Evil Mastermind and his minions. There is so much that the Evil Mastermind is involved in. I have been looking for a chance to speak with him or even interview him about something. I know there is more and I knew I should talk to the minions again. Besides, I really love their cooking. They make the best pies, cakes, muffins, and bread. I am trying to talk the hens in going legit. I want them to have their own store so bad that I thought of buying a building just so they can use it.

I saw a chance for the new hospital. They were going to hold a fundraiser event for a new cancer wing. This included anyone willing to donate hair, cancer hats, and anything else they could use. This was the kind of stuff the Evil Mastermind loves. He so enjoys having his picture taken at events. I was thinking I could get a wonderful interview out of this. The Evil Mastermind will want to be a part of my column, I am sure of it. I ran over to my editor.
“I want this assignment!” I scream with a squeal at her.

“Really, Miss Nose, do you have to make that sound? It hurts my ears and why would you want a charity event for a hospital?”

“To cover the evening wear of course and to get interviews for my column. I have some excellent ideas on what to ask each person.”

“Really? Well Nathan wants to cover it for the medical news.”

I give her my most excellent puppy dog eyes.

“Let me talk to Nathan. Maybe you can both go and get some great news for the paper.”

I squealed again. I really can’t contain my excitement. I wandered back to my desk and started preparing the questions I would need to ask and I was trying to figure out how to sneak in the information I would need to know what they were planning next. I had to make it all innocent.

I was getting up heading to the coffee machine when my phone rang. I usually don’t get calls so I was a bit in shock.

“Miss Nose News Desk, Miss Nose speaking.” I said into the receiver.

“Hello Miss Nose, I have got to say how much my wife and I love your advice column. I got the message you called. This is Lieutenant Clyde Barker, by the way. Lieutenant Chihound hates it when anyone wants to talk about a case, but I really wanted to talk to you.”

“Really? Are you have relationship problems, Lieutenant Barker?” I asked coyly.

“No. The Mrs. and I are good. I was calling back because the desk Sargent said you had some questions about my latest case. Tillie didn’t seem to interested in our murder.”

“I am. I was wondering what Mr. Chin was wearing when he died. Do you have the photos from the scene? I heard he was having problems with his wife. Any idea if they were having relationship problems?”

“Really? That is all you’re looking for? What he was wearing and any dish on his relationship with his wife? Hmm. I suppose we can make some time for you to look at the photos and see what you can use. It is better than what the other reporters are looking for.”

“What are the others looking for?” I asked him point blank.

“The usual. What the autopsy says, what was the murder weapon, what was the manner of death. Just the usual every murder news hound wants.”

I thanked Detective Lieutenant Barker for his time and hung up with a date to meet him and his partner to go through the photos for my ‘article’.

I must have been floating to the coffee pot because all the other reporters were looking at me funny. Finally, Tillie couldn’t take it anymore and said, “Who just called you and why are you so happy?” “That was Lieutenant Barker and I get to look at the crime scene photos!” I squealed at her. Tillie and several of the other reporters dropped their jaws and started to drool.

“I have been trying to get them to give me details about the murder since it happened.” said Mark. “And they keep telling me NO. How do you rate, MISS NOSE!”

“Because I AM MISS NOSE!” I shot back to Mark.

Then I floated back to my desk so I could grab my work and head home for the day to work on questions for all the event and the cops I am going to see.

Tuesday

I had to be up early. Bonnie and Clyde wanted me at the station for 7 a.m. I was going to see the pictures every reporter was dying to see. I was going to finally get a look and maybe find out more about the Evil Mastermind and his operations. I knew the Evil Mastermind was up to something big and that Mr. Chin must have gotten in his way.

The morning was beautiful and I was enjoying the blue and purple sky turning into a red and orange sky. It was so wonderful to watch the sun rise. I drove down to the park to watch the sun rise over Lake Michigan in all its glory. I was so lost in the moment, drinking my coffee, and meditating that I almost forgot I had to get to the police station. I headed back downtown.

I got to the station at the same time as Bonnie and Clyde. Clyde held the door open for me. “So glad you could make it.” he smiled toothly. “I sure am excited to meet you.”

“Thank you for inviting me.” I smiled back at him and winked. “I have some great ideas for my article. Is there anything you or your partner would like to me to cover in addition to what I want.”

“I don’t think so.” Bonnie said it quizzically like she wasn’t really sure.

“Well, let me know. I am envied right now by the others and they have a ton of questions, but I just want to know what Mr. Chin was wearing when he died.”

“That is very interesting Miss Nose.” said Bonnie, “What good is that? Why would you want to know?”

“Because he was a pillar of the community, wealthy, and I write a fashion column. It is important for my readers to know if he went out in a Chamar Catili or some thing off the thrift rack.”

“Wow.” said Bonnie. “That is weird. You have very freaky readers. That is interesting though. I never had a reporter ask me what they were wearing before. You are the first.”

I was happy I was getting Bonnie curious enough and I was disguising my true reason for looking at those photos. I was hoping to get in a private room and take pictures of them for Ruby.

“I just know there is something in them that will tell us exactly what happened. “ Ruby told me on the phone the night before.

“I thought you were psychic and could tell what is there without the pictures?” I said to her.

“I sometimes need something to hold or look at just to get a vision. It isn’t like a tv where you can turn it on and off you know.”

What luck I had when Bonnie took me to the room. She was really nice to me and brought in the photos. My only problem, she sat there with me. So I started to look at the photos. Mr. Chin was in an off beat type of outfit. I looked at Bonnie all weird and said, “Was he going golfing?”

“What?” she looked at me quizzically. “What do you mean?”

“Look at his outfit. Who wears big boxed plaid pants? One box white, one red, one black. Then a striped shirt. No one would be seen dead like this!” Then I threw my paw over my mouth since I remembered he was dead and dressed like that. Bonnie blinked at me.

“Come with me.” she said to me.

Bonnie led me to the basement and signed us into an area. We walked through the door and past the guard, through another door, and into a room that had tons of metal shelves.

“Where are we?” I asked her.

“This is our evidence room.”

I followed her to an area and she climbed up to the third from the top shelf. She pulled down a box and I grabbed it from her. She came down, took the box from me, and started walking down the aisle. I walked behind her. She stopped and turned right. When I turned with her, I saw a table. She placed the box on the table and opened it.

Inside was the clothing and other items of Mr. Chin. “Something disturbed me about that crime scene.” she told me.

“I suppose so since he was dressed like he was golfing.” I said to her looking at my nails so I wouldn’t look too interested in the box.

Bonnie just looked at me funny and raised her eyebrows. “I told Clyde that I thought he was killed elsewhere and placed there.”

“Why didn’t they just burn the building then?” I asked her.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I would if I wanted to get out of there fast.”

“Who said it was fast? I would just take my time and burn the place.” I said to her in my most disinterested way.

Bonnie looked really intrigued with me. “Why do you call this outfit, golfing?” she said to me while looking at me seriously.

“Haven’t you ever been golfing?” I looked at her puzzled. I was hoping she knew but was joking with me. “I have been to all those golfing events and let me tell you the fashion there, well, it isn’t there. Let’s just say, it takes some getting used to. I suppose since it is a Scottish game that the plaid pants are men’s idea of a kilt. Who knows why they think it is better to be gaudy than look good.?”

Bonnie looked at me like I was the freak. I thought any woman who didn’t understand fashion was the freak and a weirdo.

Bonnie shook her head and blinked a couple of times. “Wait! Let me get this straight.” She paused for just a moment as if collecting her thoughts and double thinking if she really wanted to ask what she asked me anyway. “He wouldn’t wear this to the office, would he? Only to the golf course. Not out in public. Not on a late night call, but only if he was at the golf course playing golf. Right? Only while playing golf and not for anything else?”

She kept looking at me like I held all the answers so I said to her, “Yes. Only to a golfing event of some sort at the golf course. He wouldn’t wear them anywhere else but golfing.”

She blinked at me again and again. Her mouth fell open. Then Bonnie stated, “I need to take these clothes to the lab and have them run them for any type of dirt or grass or something from a golf club. I think he was moved and I need to find the trace evidence proving it.”

She took out the clothes and put the lid back on the box. “Come on Miss Nose. I will buy you whatever coffee you want. I owe you.”

Then Bonnie turned on her PayPound high heel to face me and said, “Plus, any thing. ANY THING. YOU want to know about this case. I will give you personally. I will give you any exclusive YOU want for YOUR column.”

I know my eyes went wide, my turn to have my mouth fly open. “Thank you Bonnie.” I stammered. I couldn’t believe it. I was going to get the best and possibly a headline article because I knew fashion enough to help with her case.

Tuesday Night

I called Ruby to give her the update on what transpired at the police station. I was listening to the scanner as Ruby and I were looking for more possible events to get near the Evil Mastermind.

I told Ruby that my editor finally gave me the go ahead for Saturday. That is the day they are having a charity event for the cancer ward of the new hospital being built. I could hardly believe it when we heard it on the scanner. I actually dropped the phone.

Unit 9, Unit 9 go to 912 Charlotte Avenue 912 Charlotte Avenue. We have a fire in process. Fire in process. Fire trucks 11, 15, 29, and 41 are en route. There are people still trapped. All Units respond. All Units head to 912 Charlotte Avenue. People are still trapped with a fire in process.

912 Charlotte Avenue is Big Joe’s Seeds and Pits. That is the Evil Mastermind’s building. The restaurant is on the bottom floor. He and the others live at the top. I was shocked. Ruby’s prediction was coming true.

Join us again on The Evil Joe Files where we will learn the fate of the Evil Mastermind and his minions.