Goodbye to McDonald’s Playland

Escanaba’s McDonald’s located at 503 North Lincoln Road is getting what they call a facelift. They are tearing out the playland area today as it rains upon the town. Even the weather is upset that McDonald’s won’t have a play area for the kiddos anymore. They are wanting more sitting room but have forgotten the only reason they need the sitting room is for the parents who have small children whose only reason for going to McDonald’s is the play area. It is a sad reality for many today as we watch the workers hauling the play equipment off to the garbage. I feel really bad for all the kids. It is a sad, sad day.

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I did find some uplifting news for you all on Facebook. It is mainly cat related except for the bear. What great news for this bear cub. I wish more people had compassion for other beings on this planet.

10 Healthiest ‘People Foods’ You Should Be Feeding Your Cat

http://honesttopaws.com/cat-possum/?as=5EH1

Hen With Motherly Instincts Sits On An Abandoned Kitten To Keep Him Warm

The Cat Handshake: How To Introduce Yourself To A New Cat

Hiker finds ‘almost lifeless’ baby bear, uses mouth-to-mouth to help save it

I still love watching The Simpson’s and I remember watching the Tracy Ullman show just to catch the latest episode of this zany family. It has been 30 years of watching the same family cartoon!

The Simpson Family Made Its Television Debut 30 Years Ago

Some sad news in today and this is the stuff I usually stick on tumblr for conspiracies. There are political articles here too. Nice that Trump gave his salary to the Park Service! Never seen a President do that before. Another first from President Trump that I have never seen in my lifetime. Although, I still say down with Betsy but that is a Michigan thing. Some hate her here and others love her but to me, she knows nothing about education and is not qualified to do this job.

Man calls 911 with vague details of shooting, opens fire on responding deputies in ambush

UPDATE: Jacobs fails to enter plea for second time

Massive explosion, fire at house in New Hampshire just after officers arrived

Snyder signs law shielding records until contract announced

Trump donates first 3 months of salary to Park Service

Betsy DeVos’ latest attack on people with student loans will make your blood boil

More news later folks. I will write to you all again soon. Have a marvelous day!

 

Paranormal, Miss Nose (osa kuusi)

Miss Nose looked at the voice for a few moments and then it clicked who this was! Patrick is Kendrick’s partner. This is not what was expected. Patrick, Kendrick, and Caroline wanting to talk to her. Miss Nose lets out a sigh.

“Hello Patrick! Kendrick asked me to come.”

“Yes, I know. He told me. I am glad you came. We really do need the help.”

Miss Nose sighs again and then wonders what she has done to the universe to be lead down the path she has been on lately. It appears the universe has nominated her to be the Jessica Fletcher of Escanaba, Michigan! And as an ironic twist, the universe decided to give her Mulder and Scully type cases! Put that lemon in your lime and lick it! All poor Miss Nose could do was flow with it.

“Come on back!” Patrick moved the curtain. Miss Nose hung her head a bit, took a deep breath in, and walked around the counter through the curtain.

The other side was not what she was expecting. Patrick and Kendrick had antiques they were collecting. the room was painted a bright yellow with original woodworking. The windows were original as well to the house and stained glass was at the very top of them making a rainbow on the original hardwood floor that had been sanded and new varnish stain applied.  Miss Nose was so certain that the whole dark, mysteriousness would have followed to all room, but apparently not! This made her a bit more relaxed.

“Miss Nose!” Caroline’s voice made her jump. “I am so happy you came. I was worried you wouldn’t, but Kendrick kept telling me you would. He said it was in the cards!”

“Yes, I am aware that he thinks he saw me in the cards helping you with your problem.” Miss Nose made quotes in the air when she said problem.  Caroline just looked at her a bit startled as Kendrick came in with a tray with cups, pie, and a pot on it.

“Miss Nose. I know how much you love your coffee dear. I have coffee and tea for Caroline. Please sit at our table here and let’s discuss the problem we have.”

Miss Nose looked at the table Kendrick pointed to. She could see the legs of an antique table. It had really nice designs carved into them. On top of the table was a frilly lace table-cloth which also appeared to be antique. On top of the table cloth was a plastic table cloth that is clear but definitely meant to keep the antique one from being ruined if someone should spill coffee or food upon it. The chairs of the table were very pretty. They were stained a very dark color and each has a different color of velvet felt for the seat covering. The colors were red, purple, blue, and emerald-green. Miss Nose grabbed the one at the head of the table which had the purple seat. Kendrick sat to Miss Nose’s left and placed the tray in the middle of the table. His seat was red. Patrick sat down to Miss Nose’s right and had the blue leaving Caroline with the emerald green and at the other end of the table. Kendrick got up and started giving everyone their drinks. He then disappeared and came back. “So sorry Emerald, I may call you Emerald, I forgot you like cream and sugar.” He lifted each container when saying cream and sugar denoting which was which.

“Most shorten my name to Emmy.” Miss Nose told him. “It is fine. I am not against it.”

“That is great. I went down to the Minion’s place and picked up pie and pulla.”

“Oh how delish. I love their pulla.” Said Patrick like a child waiting for his favorite candy.

Miss Nose smiled. She loved the minion’s recipes. From the very first time she had it. She was part owner of the pastry shop. The hens kept that a secret. Miss Nose was always pleased that people enjoyed the hens food. She knew this was their way out from under the Evil Mastermind’s power over them. They are making a killing at Konditoria. Every time you walk in the door, the smell of fresh-baked bread overwhelmed you. The pies were neatly placed in the display counter showing how much care was placed into them. Tourists and citizens all walked past drooling. They would walk past three or four times vacillating about entering and eating the mouth-watering food cooked by the hens and served by the roos.

Miss Nose took a piece of blueberry pie. She couldn’t wait to get it to her mouth. The fork slid right through the slice and when Miss Nose put it in her mouth, she closed her eyes and sucked on it a bit. The taste was so exquisite. She loved pie from the hens. They all ate and made small talk as they did so. Once done, Kendrick picked up the plates. “I will be right back.” He said. Miss Nose and the others heard him washing the dishes and putting them away. “He has to keep the whole place tidy.” said Patrick. Miss Nose smiled. “Nothing wrong with tidy.” she replied.

Kendrick came back to the table. “Now Miss Nose, for the discussion you came here for!”

Miss Nose sighed. She was not looking forward to this at all.

 

Blessed Wednesday of Nothingville

happy-wednesday

Miss Nose and I want to wish you a happy Wednesday. The creepy pasta we are working on for October’s Halloween time is about 1800’s Fayette where we have the ghost town and Garden Michigan. We had some savory people then and I am just gonna make up names but use the true tale. I hope you will all enjoy it.

I am still working on my #shapingyourstory of the Stalking of Katie. I hope to have that ready for Halloween time as well. I hope you will all enjoy it. I am hoping to have all the stories ready for you for this brand new month.

I pray your blessings are many!

Nancy

 

Happy Caturday! A Nothing Note!

It has been a month since I posted anything. I really should start posting daily even if it is some goofy picture so you can keep coming back. I sit here with my coffee filled with french vanilla creamer taking a break from writing two Miss Nose stories and a possible creepy pasta for October. I have also been working on my Ackerman Lake Murders and I am thinking about changing it completely.

I am baking up Oatmeal Cranberry Cookies. Joe loves them. They are healthy, I know, but that is good for the parrots. They can’t have some of the stuff I do. It does another thing as well, stops cravings for unhealthy cookies. lol.

no-coffee

I have been going to people’s houses for massage. It isn’t the same as having an office but it does make it nicer for the client. I am looking at finding some new modalities to add for my mobile business. I am looking for a drivable RV to turn into a mobile office.

School has started and I haven’t had a day home. It has been doctors and other running. Been so crazy. Both my girls came down with the common cold and guess who they gave it to, ME! So I have been battling that. We had to pick up my oldest daughter’s violin from Jim’s today. The neck had separated from the body and it cost us $60 to fix. She is so happy that it is back. All I have been hearing since we came home is her playing.

Happy Autumn Equinox to everyone. It is fall and harvesting time. All the farmers around me and I have been getting ready for winter. Canning, picking, cleaning barns & coops, & putting stuff inside so it isn’t left outside during this time.  Mitch, a local farmer, who lives on St. Nicholas Road, is selling vegetables he has grown to anyone wanting them. If you are interested, give him a call. He has tomatoes for .75 cents a pound. Can’t beet that! Get it beet instead of beat! lol. Farm humor.

The Evil Mastermind finds Mr. Chin’s Killer

In this episode of The Evil Joe Files, The Evil Mastermind hires someone to find Mr. Chin’s killer.

 

STARRING

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

Friday Morning

The darkened sky looked wicked when looking out of the window. The Evil Mastermind actually has his back to it. He wasn’t thinking about what he wanted to do tomorrow, he was looking at something far more disturbing.

He has a plan where he is looking for a way to control the city which will lead to world domination. He thinks he is going about it the right way, but it isn’t working the way he had hoped. His idea is simply to run for President and then rule the world, but so far he couldn’t get quite enough signatures to be on the ballet. He needed more publicity is what one aide said. He was taking advice seriously especially from the aides in Washington. They suggested he should try running for City Council or Mayor first, then hit the State politics, and then he would get enough backing for President. It would be a long journey, but he is up to it.

He is getting his name out there and is in the newspaper weekly starring in fashion articles by Miss Nose. The girls at the office swoon over her and everything she writes like she is a god or a supreme ruler of the world. The Evil Mastermind’s mind started turning around thinking. He is getting an idea. He is pinning and unpinning his eyes as he is thinking. He calls in The Evil Cockatoo and The Mad Scientist. He is going to have an impromptu meeting.

Hey Boss!” exclaimed The Evil Cockatoo without looking up from his phone. “Why are you looking at that blasted phone again!” demanded The Evil Mastermind. “I have to. I created that social site you said wouldn’t captivate the world. I am actually thinking about making it a public entity but that would mean opening up my books and well, you do get a share of it, so I am really worried with you running for office if I should make it public or keep it private until you rule the world.” The Evil Cockatoo actually was looking at the The Evil Mastermind as he was talking for once.

The Mad Scientist walks in the office with a headset on and speaking to someone over the set. “Yes. Great! That will be wonderful. Now we have to sell it to the physicians and public. Make that hurdle happen so we can make more money.”

Who are you talking to? What are you two up to? This isn’t helping my plan at all! You two off on your own and not getting my plan to take over the world off the ground!” The Evil Mastermind slams his fist on his desk.

But Boss,” started The Mad Scientist, “we are working on it. I have developed some great vaccines and I am forcing the world to take them. Soon they will be under our mind control. We have placed certain ingredients in that will make most sickly. They are already paying to get cures for some of the problems we have injected in them. We have micro-chipped several children already and we are creating some to be hyper. They are causing their parents so much trouble and others are docile. Parents are wondering what is going on with the kids these days. We are creating some kids to be killers so we have something to campaign against. This is how The Evil Cockatoo and I are helping you. He created a social media. People no longer want to work. They are busy even at work taking pictures and they are live videoing their day. Just a bit longer and they will all by under our control. We made a master switch too. We have turned it off and watched people freak out! Boss, this is amazing. Soon you will be ruler of the world without any problems!” The Mad Scientist seems so convincing that The Evil Mastermind sat in his chair looking at him, pinning and unpinning his eyes, and thinking.

None of them noticed the butterfly dancing around the window. They paid no attention to the how it moved. “What are we going to do about Chin?” The Evil Mastermind finally said. “We can’t have this over our heads. There will be too many questions. Do we have the police still in our pocket?”

Yes, sir.” chimed The Evil Cockatoo. “He is even on my social site. He has his blog going, several pictures, and he is putting up crimes and criminals he is looking for.”

What are you calling this site?”

I call it ParrotSpace. It started at the Parrots University. The students there loved it. They were able to talk to one another and their teachers. I just expanded it to the whole world.”

And this helps me how?”

You are their first friend and they all wait for your daily messages. I just was able to upload new software so we can start live streaming messages and videotaping them. That is what I wanted to speak to you about and why I thought you called me in here today. I want to have you post a daily update for all ParrotSpace people. This will give you more of a platform for your campaign for office.”

So everyday I can talk about whatever I feel like?”

That is so Boss!”

Well I can not wait til this happens. I will have something put together each day by the writing staff.”

Already happening Boss. I got them to start months ago.”

Oh. Well, I hope I will enjoy them. I wanted to put some personal touches in.” “Actually you can. We have them written and you will have final say on it. We are going to start next week with you looking them over and having them rewritten.” “Really?” The Evil Mastermind pinned his eyes super small, ”Then it will be all me. Hmm.”

Sure Boss.” said The Evil Cockatoo in an unsure way.

Friday afternoon

Later that day, The Evil Mastermind went golfing with Mr. Simon Chin.

Simon, I need something done that will make you more famous.”

What is that?”

I need you to head over to my building and talk to The Evil Cockatoos writing staff. He has a social blog and they are writing little promos for me to videotape for a daily message. I want my ideas and my campaigning to be a major focus with some daily news.”

I can do that. I will do the rewrites with them. When does this start?”

I am not completely sure. I know The Evil Cockatoo wants to start soon.”

That is fair. I can get that done for you. It will be great to finally be a campaign speech writer.”

I hope your wife can understand and not make a scene again. You need to talk to that boyfriend of hers. He should not be leaving bruises on her where people think you are the abuser. What do you plan on doing with her?”

I plan on divorcing her. Believe it or not, I am tired of her new boyfriend. I will be having a meeting with them both later today. I plan on telling her then and getting myself distanced from her. Thankfully, I listened to you and I have a prenup. She gets nothing because of the affair and I have the pictures with the affidavits that prove her affairs.”

Good for you. That will be great. You can then find someone with more taste. Do you know the man she is seeing?”

No I don’t. I do have my eyes on this other woman. I think she will make a great wife. Once I am officially divorced I want to ask her out!”

I sure hope it isn’t that insufferable Miss Nose! All the women in my office drool over her. Her advice, her fashion, one even wants me to do an interview with her. Can you believe that?” The Evil Mastermind scoffs.

I can, and I am not saying.” Simon puts on the most slyest smile. “Why don’t you set up a meeting for tonight with the writing crew? We can meet at my office. I do think you should do that interview. Maybe we can get her to agree on certain questions that you are prepared to answer. We can write up your answers and you can memorize them, or we can ask her for what questions she is going to ask and prepare that way.”

When are you going to confront Tiger-Lilly and her lover?”

When we are done golfing. I have it set. I plan on getting home before her, showering, changing clothes, and confronting them. I can’t take it whole idea that everyone thinks I am an abuser when it is the one she is having an affair with. He must be a real piece of work to beat a woman.”

Can’t stand those kind myself!” Stated The Evil Mastermind maliciously.

Friday 1:30 P.M.

Tiger-Lilly was at the hotel getting dressed quickly in the bathroom. She was looking at the bruises Link left on her. Most knew him as The Shadow Killer but his name is Link and she was in love with him. She knows Simon isn’t happy about it but what can he do. The biggest issue with Link are the bruises he leaves affects her career as a supermodel. The makeup artists are getting upset with her. They have to use a ton of product to cover the damage Link leaves behind. Everyone thinks it is Simon leaving the marks. They wonder why all of a sudden he is abusing her. She never lets on that she is seeing other men. Her prenuptial agreement forbids it. It can cost her everything if Simon finds out and she keeps trying to hide the bruises from him, but she knows he is suspicious and rightly so.

Tiger-Lilly is sure he has evidence of this affair. Why else would he want to see her and he point out told her to bring Link. His exact words as she walked out of the room were, “And remember to bring that boyfriend of yours. I am tired of wearing his sins. My reputation is important to me and he is ruining it! He better be here or I will find him.” She closed the door behind her without a word. How did he know? She has been so careful.

She wondered if she should warn him that Link is The Shadow Killer and works for The Evil Mastermind. He removes obstacles for The Evil Mastermind and totally loves what he does. As she takes a long, good look in the mirror, she sighs. Tiger-Lilly secretly hopes all will go well and no one will get hurt.

We better hurry hun. We don’t want to be late for your husband’s meeting.” Link smirked at the door. Tiger-Lilly shuddered in the bathroom. She thinks to herself, after today, I will be rid of you Mr. Link.

Friday 3 P.M.

Tiger-Lilly and Link walk up the steps of Simon Chin’s mansion. Tiger-Lilly is secretly hoping Simon will forgive her if she tells Link it is over and will never cheat again.

Simon is on his way up the stairs as the two walk into the foyer.

I wasn’t expecting you two this early.”

I decided we should up the time of our meeting.” said Link and then it happened. The Shadow Killer swiftly, with speed Tiger-Lilly had never seen before, reached Simon. He grabbed Simon and they struggled a bit, then BANG!. Tiger-Lilly screamed even though she didn’t hear herself. She watched as in slow motion the blood and tissue expel from her husband and then she watched him sagged onto the stairs. What Tiger-Lilly doesn’t know is she is screaming even though she can’t hear herself do it.

Link was upon Tiger-Lilly before she knew it. He slapped her hard in the face.

Shut it! You stupid bitch!” he screamed at her. “We need to clean this mess and figure out where we can move him. Check his calendar and see if he has any appointments. Maybe we can place him somewhere where it won’t come back to you and me.”

Tiger-Lilly went on autopilot hoping The Shadow Killer wouldn’t make her his next victim. She is freaked out. The Shadow Killer looked at her. She could see his brow lowering, his cheekbones raising, his nose flared, his mouth became thin, his chin raised a bit and she knew. She knew she had better move or she would be next. Link took a deep breath in and then said, “Where does he keep his calendar?” He said it so calm and quiet that Tiger-Lilly knew she was showing the signs of fear.

In his office.” She finally mustered enough energy to force out the sentence.

Where is his office?” said Link.

This way.” She pointed with her finger to the left and turning on her heel she walked toward the office of Mr. Simon Chin.

Link sees his calendar on Simon’s desk.

He has a meeting tomorrow.” Link says to Tiger-Lilly. “Let’s get him loaded up in the trunk and get him to his office. That will take the heat off of you. They will just think he was killed there. You’re going to have to clean up that blood as well.”

Tiger-Lilly just stood there in shock and shook her head as he told her what to do.

Go! Now. Start cleaning. I will get the body out of the way while you get the supplies together.”

Tiger-Lilly did as she was told. She headed to the utility closet for the supplies. She found a rug cleaner and rug shampoo. She found Murphy’s Oil Soap for the wood, a bucket, and a towel. She put the bucket in the closet’s sink and turned on the warm water. She wasn’t aware of the tears coming from her eyes as she mixed the solution in the bucket. She took the bucket to the stairway and watched Link pick up Simon, carrying him to the garage. Blood is dripping all the way like bread crumbs leading someone to the truth. She followed and watched Link place him in the trunk. She could have sworn Simon gasped. She wondered if he is still alive. She turned around and stepped in blood. She took the towel dipped it in the bucket and cleaned up the drops all the way back to the stairs. She put the bucket at the foot of the stairs and went back to the closet for the rug cleaner. She filled it up with shampoo and warm water. She took it to the stairs and started cleaning the carpeting on the steps. She didn’t even hear Link turn on the car and leave for Simon’s office.

Friday 5 P.M. Simon Chin’s office

Link waits as everyone files out of the building. He has Simon’s keys and card key to get into his office. He has done this several times. He knows exactly how to avoid the cameras even. He is waiting for the right moment to move Simon from the trunk, up the loading elevator, and into his office. He will have to double check that elevator for cameras and maybe take it out so he won’t be on it.

Once he is sure, he walks to the service elevator and notices one camera inside. He is wearing all black and everything is covered. He pulls out a spray can of black paint and sprays the camera lens. He heads back to the car, pulls Simon out of the trunk. The damn cat is still breathing still. He throws him over his shoulder and carries him to the elevator. Up they go to Simon’s office.

He steps off the elevator and walks over to Simon’s door. He opens it with the key card. He goes in the office, past the secretary’s desk, and opens the double doors with Simon’s key. Now to find the right spot to place the body and make it look like a robbery gone wrong. Link places him in front of his desk and starts tearing up various items. He throws a few items and they break making it look like a struggle ensued.

Link leaves the same way he comes in. He made sure he left the key and card key on Simon’s desk. He made sure to leave it all unlocked so the next day when someone comes in, they will find him. What Link couldn’t know is he wouldn’t be found the next day.

Friday 8 P.M

The Evil Mastermind’s writers are on their way up to Mr. Chin’s office. When they enter they see a horrible scene.

Saturday Mid-morning

The Evil Mastermind is sitting at his desk reading the Escanaba Morning Express. He is shocked to discover that someone killed Simon. He wanted the problem with Tiger-Lilly to go away but not with the death of one of his best mates.

The so called investors were really The Evil Cockatoo’s writers for his ParrotSpace social site. They called him from the warehouse when they discovered Simon dead on the floor. The Evil Cockatoo advised them to say they were investors and call the police. It really wasn’t until after the police arrived that they got a call from Tiger-Lilly almost as if she knew and had to time it correctly.

The Evil Mastermind wondered who killed Simon. He was devastated by the whole murder scene that the writers took photos of for them all to see. He knew he was going to miss that cat. Simon was excellent on the golf course and was an amazing at business endeavors. The Evil Mastermind could always count on Simon in a pinch. Simon had an amazing mind for negotiation and trade. He could make any deal with anyone and you knew you would come out victorious.

The Evil Mastermind called in his best agent to look into the matter. His best PI dog Ryder. Ryder was known to sniff out dirt and could find any lead. He was cunning and could follow any scent. The Evil Mastermind knows Ryder will find out what happened and give him the most honest report of his findings. The Evil Mastermind needed to know who did this. Simon was the most challenging cat on the golf course and now, he was snuffed out like he didn’t even matter.

Saturday afternoon around 1 P.M.

Ryder is inside EPD looking at the various files on the Mr. Chin murder. He notes who is doing the autopsy. One of the greats, Dr. Jerry Thomas. Wonderful, thought Ryder, I know Jerry will give me what I need.

Ryder pulls out his cell, looks through his contacts, and finds Dr. Jerry Thomas’ number. He clicks send and hears ringing on the other end.

Hello, Ryder!” exclaimed Dr. Thomas. “What do I owe the pleasure of your call? Are we going bowling today?”

Not today, I am on a case.”

Really? What case?” asked Jerry.

The case of Mr. Chin. I need to know what happened to him. Could you give me the details from the autopsy? My client wants answers.”

That is understandable. Meet me for dinner at Mitten’s or would you rather Joe’s? I can bring the file and you can read it. I will answer any questions you have.”

Thanks Doc. I think Mitten’s would be a better choice right now. See you at around 7ish?”

7ish sounds great to me. See you at Mitten’s!”

Saturday At the same time

The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist were having a meeting. They were discussing what was going to help The Evil Mastermind’s campaign and what wouldn’t, but The Evil Mastermind really couldn’t concentrate on the business at hand. He is really upset about the loss of his friend, his best mate, his golfing buddy.

Boss!” The Evil Cockatoo snapped his toes at The Evil Mastermind’s face. “Hello! Earth to The Evil Mastermind! Hello. Are you there?”

The Evil Mastermind shook his head a bit and said, “What were we discussing again?”

Boss, I think it is better if we just adjourn this meeting and have it at a time when you are more ready to have it. I think you need some time to deal with the death of Mr. Chin.” said The Mad Scientist with concern in his voice.

Saturday 6:30 P.M.

Mitten’s Bar and Grill took in plenty of tourist in the area. Mitten’s served what every tourist loved. Burgers and fries, fish and chips, pasties, and all for a smaller price than Big Joe’s Seeds and Pits. Big Joe’s or Joe’s as most called it, had the best barbecue ribs and made their own liquor from beer to wine and then some. When you wanted steak, you went to Joe’s. Both made pasties, but each was different. Mitten’s made them without anything fancy. They were hamburger, potatoes, and carrots. That was it. Joe’s made them fancy with minced steak and gravy inside them. Mitten’s is near the highway far from Joe’s which is near the park. Those are the differences besides the fact that Mitten’s would have a rougher crowd during certain times of the year. Mitten’s really is for the lower life in town.

Ryder got to Mitten’s before Jerry and found a good spot to sit. He was going to get some answers and be able to get on the scent of what really happened to Mr. Chin.

Good evening, Ryder.” said the bouncy blond lab who would be his waitress.

Good evening, Mindy.” Ryder said back, “What are your specials today?”

You mean besides your big brown eyes?”

Yep”

Well, we have some beef stew and Swiss steak as our specials. The Swiss steak comes with a side of spaghetti, a roll, your choice of potato, a salad, and your drink. Are you alone tonight?”

Nope. Bring coffee for now. I am meeting a friend and then I think I will order the steak after seeing if he wants to eat or not.”

Ok. I will bring you your coffee and wait.”

Thank you Mindy.” said Ryder

You’re welcome handsome.” Mindy responded.

Saturday 6:55 P.M.

Dr. Jerry Thomas was finally close enough to park his car. There is a parking lot across the street from Mitten’s. It is sometimes very hard to parking in downtown Escanaba. The main street is very old and narrow. The city has tried several ways to do park from angle to parallel. Jerry finally found a spot and parked. Mitten’s didn’t have valet parking like Joe’s.

Dr. Thomas took his briefcase out of his trunk and walked across the street to Mitten’s. He had only the preliminary files since they haven’t had a chance to do a full autopsy. They did take a blood and sent it off to toxicology for a report. They sent it to another lab as well for some basic counts, and they sent some off to be tested and matched to know DNA of Mr. Chin. In this town, anyone can fake their own death so Jerry always made sure with a DNA test that he had the right man or woman.

Jerry walked into Mitten’s and started looking around for Ryder. Ryder has been his friend since they were both started school. They even went to the same University together. They stayed in touch after school as one went into the police force and the other became an assistant at the Medical Examiner’s Office. Escanaba hasn’t changed much since they were kids. Even the politics are the same and you would think that would change after a generations or two. As he was looking around, he noticed Mindy. She pointed toward a table in the back. Jerry started toward that area and noticed Ryder sitting at a table. As usual his back was to the wall and it was near a window.

Ryder saw Jerry coming towards him and stood up to greet his old friend with a hug.

How are you doing?” Ryder asked Jerry as if nothing unusual was happening except two old friends having lunch. “Mindy tells me they have a Swiss steak and beef stew for specials. Are you hungry?”

I am. We should get Mindy here and order quickly so we have time to catch up.”

Jerry knew what Ryder was doing in front of everyone and they would wait until more tables emptied before getting on to business.

Saturday 7:55 P.M.

Mitten’s is finally seeing the dinner rush clearing out. Mindy is washing tables and clearing dishes. As she leaves the area, Jerry reaches for his briefcase.

You are going to love the prelim.” he said to Ryder.

Really? Why?”

We have amazing stuff in this report.” Jerry opens his case and pulls out a red folder. Ryder knows the contents of a folder of that color. Red is for homicide by firearms. Ryder raises his eyebrows quizzically. Now that is interesting, he thinks. Jerry hands him the folder. Ryder takes it and opens it. He sees the SOAP notes that the tech started for the doctor doing the autopsy. He notices no one has been assigned the autopsy yet and then his puzzling looking eyes fall upon something that makes his hair stand on edge. Ryder sighs. He now knows who killed Mr. Chin and all he needed to see was right there on paper written in black ink.

Saturday 10 P.M.

Ryder parks his car in the Chin’s driveway and walks up to the door. He knows it is late but doesn’t care. He has a few questions for Tiger-Lilly. He will know if she is lying. He is good at sniffing out the truth. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. Ding, ding, dong, ding, dong, doooooonnnnngggg! It rings through the air. Ryder is kind of startled by the sound but pulls himself together quickly. All his time on the force gave him the startles.

A very beautiful blond with do745ey brown eyes answered the door. She is wearing the usual maid outfit for Rent A Maid.

May I help you?” she blinks at Ryder.

I am here to see Tiger-Lilly.”

May I say whom is calling.”

Whom, who says whom anymore? Ryder thinks.

Tell her, Ryder is here.”

The blond shuts the door in Ryder’s face. Ryder rolls his eyes and stands there waiting.

Ryder looks at his watch. His anger is starting to surface. He isn’t happy with this woman at all. He knows Tiger-Lilly. He has been her body guard before for photo shoots. He looks at his watch again and see how time is flying by. He is going to give her 10 more minutes before he rings that bell again. He sits down on the porch step and as he does, the door finally opens and out walks the blond.

What are you still doing here?”

Didn’t you tell Tiger-Lilly I was here?”

Um. Yeah. Sure. I did.”

Liar. Turn around right now and tell her or I will arrest you.”

The blond’s eyes widen to fullness, her mouth opens wide, and a startled look is on her face. “Ok” she says and turns around. She opens the door and disappears. Less than a minute later she reappears with Tiger-Lilly behind her.

Ryder” Tiger-Lilly says with surprise. “I am so glad to see you!” She rushes to Ryder and hugs him tightly.

I need to speak to you, Tiger-Lilly.” Ryder said lowly in her ear.

Tiger-Lilly let go of Ryder and said, “Come on in. I will make us some coffee.” She let go of his hands and turned around walking toward the door. Ryder followed her and sneered at the maid as he passed by her.

He follows her to the kitchen and watches as she makes a pot of coffee. They are both silent. Tiger-Lilly reaches up for cups on her tip toes and brings down two big mugs for coffee. She drums her finger nails on the counter as the coffee brews. When it is done, she pours coffee into both mugs, turns around, and brings them over to the island. She looks at Ryder as she passes him the mug. He takes it from her, looking at her intently. They take a drink simultaneously and then

Ryder. I didn’t kill Simon.”

Where did that come from? Ryder thought. He raises his eyebrows at Tiger-Lilly.

I know. I know.” she says to him. “I thought about calling you every day since it happened. Ryder, I am frightened.” She started shaking. “I told the maids not to let anyone in. I am sorry my maid didn’t let you in. I never thought you would be at my door and right when I need you. I have been so scared. She was just following rules I set. Please, don’t be mad at her. I am so happy you are here.”

Ryder looked at her, signed and then said, “Tell me what happened. I will make sure you are safe.”

Sunday

The Evil Mastermind is sitting at his desk. He is thinking. As he is thinking, he is pinning and unpinning his eyes. He secretly hopes Ryder can find out what happened to his mate, Mr. Simon Chin. He really wanted Simon to help him refine his speeches for ParrotSpace.

He finds himself wishing he could call Simon. He really misses that cat. He misses having someone to golf with and gossip about all of Escanaba with. It is unfair his mate is gone. The only true buddy he really has, maybe. He pounds his fists on his desk.

The Evil Mastermind sits waiting. He is waiting for Ryder to tell him who killed Simon. He is plotting having The Shadow Killer work him or her over good. He wants this person dead like his friend. He wants him or her gone. He know The Shadow Killer will get his claws into this person and really torture him or her to no good end. The Shadow Killer is The Evil Mastermind’s most ruthless assassin and he was going to get information on why Simon was killed along with the pleasure of listening to Simon’s murderer scream for mercy.

Sunday Around 1 P.M.

The Shadow Killer is on his way to an assignment. He has someone to kidnap and torture, when he notices he is being followed. He pulls over and decides to get a coffee at the local Mr. DoughNUTS. This will allow him to get a better look, but this tail is better than Link knows. Link gets out of his car and walks into Mr. DoughNUTS for coffee and he sees the car pull over from the window. Now he knows, he knows that car. Damn, he thinks, I have that damn hound Ryder on my ass. The Evil Mastermind will know soon enough that I killed Simon. I need a plan.

Link walks out of Mr. DoughNUTS with a coffee, gets in his car, and heads to his assignment. As he is driving, he is trying to figure out how to take care of this situation. Ryder knows and he will tell The Evil Mastermind. Link knows he is the best but that doesn’t mean someone from overseas can’t be called in. The Evil Mastermind has friends over there with assassins better than Link.

Sunday 8 P.M.

Link heads home for the day after doing his “errand” all day. He had to supply his client with details after his “errand” was completed. He parks and watches Ryder park a bit away from his house. He puts his car in the garage and turns it off. Watches for a second, and then gets out. He uses the door from the garage to get in his house. Now to start cleaning the whole thing. Link grabs gloves from his bag and gets to work.

Sunday 11 P.M.

Link has watched Ryder follow him all day. He kept looking out the window as he cleaned the house waiting for Ryder to give up and leave. Finally, Link makes it look like he is going to bed. That is when Ryder finally leaves his tail and Link springs into action. He gets to his car and heads to seedy side of town. That side has homeless, prostitutes, drug addicts, and all the low life you can find. It is where you go when you want to hire a sloppy assassin. He is looking for just the right kind of homeless cat that can make his plan work.

Monday

Ryder is contemplating how he should tell The Evil Mastermind about The Shadow Killer. He has followed him around. He knew the moment he read the preliminary report that it had to be him. It had his tell all over the floor. Even when Ryder went to visit Tiger-Lilly, he could smell it like bad whiskey. But how does he tell The Evil Mastermind that his top cat is the one who killed his best friend? This is going to be very hard indeed.

Ryder picks up the phone and dials The Evil Mastermind’s number. Time to make that meeting and tell him the bad news. This is going to be a serious blow. Ryder is sure it may even push him over the edge. This is the last thing they will want. Nothing is good when the town’s bad guy is insane.

Monday 5 P.M.

The Evil Mastermind picks up his phone as Ryder leaves the room. He now has to take out his best assassin. This is so hard on him. First his best friend and now his best employee. What a week The Evil Mastermind has had.

Tuesday Morning

The Evil Mastermind is sitting at his desk, pinning and unpinning his eyes as he is thinking. His meeting with Ryder gave him much to think about. He is waiting for the report back The Shadow Killer has been eliminated. His secretary brings him in some walnuts which are his favorite, but even that doesn’t bring him out of his daze. She watches him and worries about his mental health. He just keeps pinning and unpinning his eyes. Like it some sort of nervous tick. She isn’t liking what she is seeing and wonders if he will be the same after all of this.

Tuesday Afternoon

Link has been hiding most of the day right where he knows the assassins won’t find him. He is sitting in the basement of Joe’s Seeds and Pits. No one would ever look for him here. He knows he has to do something to save his life and get The Evil Mastermind off his back. He has been formulating a plan. He has everything he needs right here to complete his plan. Then he will get away free and everyone will think he perished in the fire. Good thing for him there are homeless cats around. No one will ever miss this guy. Link made sure he took him to his house after he cleaned the whole thing. Had the guy touch everything in the house, brush his teeth, take a shower, comb his hair, and do all the things someone would do when they lived there. A whole two days of living at Link’s house. He knows if the police go there, they will fingerprint and take DNA. It will all come back to this cat. He gave him enough alcohol to put him in a drunken stupor for the moment. He has to wait. He will do it tonight when the majority of the people are gone. This way, he won’t be seen leaving the building and can make a clean get away.

Tuesday night:

The Evil Mastermind walks into his office after meeting his partners downstairs. He sighs as he walks in. His life seems so meaningless at the moment. And then he hears the alarm. The fire alarm is going off and the strobe lights are flashing. His window opens and a ladder falls. It is the safety feature installed in this building. It does it for all offices so you can leave in case of fire. He thinks about staying for just one moment until he sees the butterfly. He watches it fly a bit and then realizes. Someone purposely set this fire. Possibly to kill him. But who? Now he comes back. He walks to the window and climbs out. He sees several others climbing down the building as he is. He hears the sirens in the background. Someone called already.

Meanwhile on scanners all over Escanaba!

Unit 9, Unit 9 go to 912 Charlotte Avenue 912 Charlotte Avenue. We have a fire in process. Fire in process. Fire trucks 11, 15, 29, and 41 are en route. There are people still trapped. All Units respond. All Units head to 912 Charlotte Avenue. People are still trapped with a fire in process.

This concludes this episode of The Evil Joe Files. Join us again for our next exciting episode of The Evil Joe Files where Miss Nose finds a haunted house!

Dear Miss Nose

Dear Miss Nose,

How do I get a life or at least know where to put my small fountain in my house where it does not leave bad luck.

Sincerely,

Sleepless and unfortunate in Phoenix.

I decided you needed the feng shui version. There are various cultures who will tell you to put it someplace else. Always go with the flow of whom you purchased the item from.

A fountain is a wonderful item to place in your home. The flowing water is a symbol of wealth and prosperity and fountains bring the energy of water to you. There are three items you should purchase and put near your fountain. A dragon, fish, and a white Jambhala. The dragon should look like it is drinking, the white Jambhala should be right under the flow and place on New Year’s Day for best energy in the South West corner, and the fish in the South East corner! One thing you should be careful of is placing a fountain on the right side of your main/front door. By doing so you will bring bad luck to your husband. He will cheat on you and have a second family. The right side is on your right from inside your house as you look at your door!

What you need first is a bagua map. Take that map and place it at your front door or main entrance into your home. That is usually North. Not always but on this map it would be. You can find these maps all over the internet and they are great for anyone who wants to add a little spiritual help to their lives.

Fountains should always have flowing water! Don’t let water sit. It will create stale energy and we want energy to flow. Never put a fountain in your bedroom, bathroom, or kitchen. Each room has a direction and you can find the directions in your living room to place items.

Place the fountain in the East in your Home and Family area (Middle Left), in the South East for your Wealth & Money area (Rear Left), or in the North for your Career and Path in Life (Front Middle). Remember to keep it away from the South (Rear Middle). That is where fire is present and we know what water does to fire!

To get a life, develop your Helpful People, Spiritual Life, & Entertainment area (Front Right)of your home with maps, photos where you want to travel, and other social items.

But for Miss Nose’s best social advice, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GO SOMEWHERE! By getting out and talking to people, you will develop your social life. There are plenty of places to go for free places. Pick up a local newspaper or go online to your cities website. Checking out even free events in your local park can bring you happiness and great abundance of social activities.

Now for your idea of getting a life. You have one! Use it wisely. Create daily goals to fill your life with happiness. If you are happy staying at home and being with your family, then that is where you should be. If you are happy finding a crochet group, then find one. If you play an instrument, join a band. Life is short! Make the most use of your 86,400 seconds! Do what makes YOU happy!

Loves

Em

If you need advice from Miss Nose, contact us.

Dear Miss Nose

Dear Miss Nose

Our neighbor, Mr. Shepard, is always leaving tufts of hair in the apartment building’s dryers, especially in the spring. How can we tell him politely to clean out the vents?

Sincerely,

Over heated in the laundry room

Is there a maintenance person or a manager of the complex? I would start there and voice your concerns about fire safety. Maybe you could tell the manager that you will go around with a petition to have a person hired to clean the vents. You could ask the management to “hire” Mr. Shepard as the cleaning person for the laundry area. This way it will be on him to clean all the vent traps as well as wash all the washers or dryers, sweep up the room, and keep it tidy.

Managers are great at letter writing memos to all tenants reminding them of certain “rules”. By not following the “rules” a tenant can be subjected to fines or told they are no longer allowed to use the facilities. 

You can ask management to maybe make everyone come to them with a deposit to use a vent trap for the dryer. They could hold onto your license or some money like $100 and when you bring back the vent, clean of course, you get your money or item back from them. This would definitely make sure that all lint vents are clean.

You could write a reminder note and tape it to the wall. This way it is not just singling out Mr. Shepard. Go buy some really bright poster board and write in big letters placing it in spots all over the laundry area. Some can be placed on the dryers themselves. It could look something like this:

MISS NOSE SIGN

Another way, is to do your laundry while he is there, grab a bunch of clothes into your hands, and ask him to please clean out the vent for you since your hands are full.

Are you able to buy a washer and dryer to hook up in your apartment? This would be ideal and mean you would not have to be in a place that isn’t sanitary for anyone.

The simplest way is of course to just walk up to him and ask. You can say, “Mr. Shepard, will you please do me a favor? Would you please check the lint vents and clean them for me?” Maybe you can bribe him with an apple pie or ask him in a way that makes it seem like you don’t have time. You could use the old pity me because lines. Make him feel sorry for you because you have children or work long hours.

But, I, Miss Nose, would go to the management and have them place some sort of rule or hire someone to clean that area. This would be your best bet since then it would all be sanitary.

Best of luck to you and your fellow tenants.

Loves

Em

If you need advice, contact Miss Nose.

We need a President who will boldly go where no President has gone before

As you all know, I have been following around Presidential Nominee Pepper. Pepper is the first bird to ever be nominated for President! Pepper has been working hard. He is hitting animal shelters, prisons, and the homeless. He is going where no Presidential candidate has ever gone and speaking to people no Presidential candidate has spoken to before. He hears their pleads and concerns and has based his campaign on them. He recently wrote this campaign speech and I hope you all enjoy it as much as the rest of us have! He has also chosen Chong as his Vice President to run with.

PEPPER CHONG

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As I sit back and watch all the political hype between the news and social media, I am struck with what the Law of Attraction would call a vision moment. I have a vision of a President. I see a President that can fulfill what no other President could before. I have a list of needs this President and any politician should be ready and able to make so.

Here is my list:

  1. NOT a career politician. I find that many politician’s make a career out of running and they keep giving themselves raises. They are not in tune with what real life is. They don’t have to worry about eating or where they live. It is all given to them and with the salary they give themselves, they can enjoy the good life. No politician should be allowed to get rich on the back of the poor.
  2. Business man. Yes, definitely should be someone who knows how to run a business since part of what our country is, is a business
  3. Small business experience. Why? Because this way our politician will be interested in helping people create jobs for our citizens.
  4. Knows taxes and payroll. I know this sounds funny, but think about it a minute. This person is helping to create tax laws which will affect payroll and what is taken out of your check each time you get paid. I want someone who knows this and has experienced this as part of his/her daily life. This is a possible hardship to all Americans and should be looked at whenever you go to vote for a politician.
  5. Can budget. Come on this is big even for a CEO of a company. Look at what we owe. Trillions of dollars and it keeps growing in the negative. Would you let your school or business do this? No. So why should our government be allowed to. Social Security was set up as a pension plan for those who don’t have one and I, for one, would love to see it go back to that and not use to give some politician a golfing vacation.
  6. Foreign affairs. It would be great if all had this but really, not many do. Even career politicians don’t have this. What I mean is, someone who has done business, negotiated with, and knows the culture of each country. When you think about our trade agreements and our goods/services being fairly distributed throughout the world, we need someone who knows and can get this done.
  7. Military experience – Folks, we have to remember that the President is the Commander-in-Chief of the military. We need someone who understands and knows how to command the military during the time of peace and the time of war. We need someone with a head on their shoulders who knows that war isn’t always the first or right step. We need a skilled negotiator that can control a situation before sending in the swat team.
  8. Won’t allow lobbyists sorry companies but I think my rights should trump your right to push an unwanted item like a cancer causing vaccine (HPV) on my kids or me. It is time we get the lobbyists out of Washington and start really working for the people of this country.
  9. Will work for animal rights.  THIS IS A BIG ONE FOR ME! HOW MANY OF THE VIDEOS HAVE YOU SEEN WHERE A WORKER AT BUTTERBALL HAS RAPED A TURKEY OR A COW IS BEATEN, RAPED, AND TORTURED BEFORE BEING BEHEADED! THIS IS NUMBER ONE ON MY LIST. IF SOMEONE ISN’T AN ANIMAL ACTIVIST, I DON’T WANT YOU IN OFFICE. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR DEBATE THINKING AN ANIMAL DOESN’T KNOW EMOTIONS OR FEEL. THEY DO! THEY HAVE A NERVOUS SYSTEM JUST LIKE YOU DO. THEY HAVE RED BLOOD JUST LIKE YOU DO. THEY EXPERIENCE LIFE JUST LIKE YOU DO! JUST BECAUSE A TREE BLEEDS SAP DOESN’T MEAN IT DOESN’T BLEED. SAP IS THE TREE’S BLOOD. SO BEFORE YOU GO BANGING STICKS ON A TREE, REMEMBER THAT! A TREE HAS ROOTS. IT FEEDS, DRINKS, AND FEELS FROM ITS ROOTS. WE ARE IN A RACE WAR NOT ONLY WITH OUR OWN HUMAN RACE BUT WITH EVERY LIVING RACE OF SENTIENT BEINGS ON THIS PLANET. WE ARE THE PROBLEM. WE ARE THE DESTROYERS. ANIMALS HUNT TO EAT. HUMANS HUNT FOR SPORT AND TO HANG A HEAD ON THE WALL. ANIMALS KILL THE WEAK SO THEY WON’T GET HUNTED DOWN AND KILLED BY THE ENEMY. WE KILL BECAUSE WE LIKE THE FEELING. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE SERIAL MURDERERS BECAUSE THEY LOVE THE FEELING OF KILLING. WE ARE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS PLANET NOT THE OTHER SENTIENT BEINGS, BUT US. Now I will get off my soap box about this but I want a President and Congress with the Supreme Court to really know, this is important, and it needs to be addressed properly. I want to see our Congress and President behind us in the NO KILL SHELTER movement. I think this would be wonderful to see, our President and Congress volunteering at animal shelters and giving back to communities even by serving in soup kitchens. I never see a politician go to animal shelters, prisons, or to homeless shelters when they are campaigning.
  10. Can enforce laws against any type of abuse to human, animals, plants, or water sentient lifeforms. This goes along with number 9. Nothing, I mean NOTHING, on this planet deserves to be tortured for anyone amusement. Just because humans think they are better doesn’t mean they are. Humans are destructive. Humans are mean. Humans need to get back to being peacemakers and lovers. We need to get back to respect. IF we need laws to remind people of that, then we need them. Common sense should prevail but sometimes it never does which is why we have laws that seem so comical. It is because people have forgotten common sense and humanity.
  11. Felonies. Yes we all know people who have them and some for really good reasons. But I don’t think this should be an excuse to take away your right to vote for life nor your Second Amendment rights for life. Now, hear me out. Look at all the felonies we have in this country. Is it fair that someone who commits fraud should no longer own a gun or vote? I can understand if you go in with a pistol and shoot up a 7Eleven, then I think you shouldn’t be allowed your weapon for a while but still, you should be allowed to vote. I think for Second Amendment rights it should be by the crime and once you have done your time, you should be on a list for like 7 or 10 years and if you don’t do any more crimes after that, then your right should be reinstated. We hold judgment over people even after prison which is wrong. Would you hold that same judgment on your child who just got out of time out? No. You move on and if they keep repeating the pattern you do your best to change the behavior. This is the same with prison. Some people never learn and we know this. But others do, and I think they should be given the respect they deserve. If you think about all our laws and you think about all the things that could make you a felon, then you will see what I am talking about. You could someday be in the same situation, wouldn’t you want dignity and respect once you came out? Wouldn’t you want your right to vote or have a firearm? We all would and we all should.
  12. Will work for us. Yes, for us. They are our representative in Congress or as President. We need someone who will listen. Now I understand that they need to go by what the majority of Americans want but not everyone wants the same thing. I want a President who can compromise enough to give us all what we deserve. We need a President who will look at the needs of the all and fulfill that knowing it will give everyone the opportunity they deserve in life.
  13. Will find ways to make all businesses pay a living wage in all countries. You want the truth in why your jobs are going to other countries. Here it is. Those countries pay their workers a dollar a week and force them to live at the job to make money. If the whole world made a law stating everyone makes the exact same wage, with the same benefits, and the same hours to work, then we will see less moving of factories to other countries and more people living life as they should. It could be the one move that could end world hunger.
  14. Will stand by our Ambassadors and citizens abroad. There are so many examples I could give you but I think you all know. We need someone who can send in lawyers, who can get our citizens out, or can provide healthcare when in need.
  15. Will allow immigrants who come through proper channels and will return those who come in illegally. I have no issues with anyone who is an immigrant, but I don’t think you should be allowed to stay illegally. If you want to stay, then I think you need to apply for citizenship or an extended visa. I don’t think anyone should be allowed to stay in a country illegally. No other country allows this, why should we? It isn’t about race or being an immigrant, it is about how you got here. I think this is our one saving grace if we want to stop human trafficking on this planet as well. We need all countries on board with this.
  16. Isn’t interested in hiding information from Americans but is willing to be honest and truthful about facts. I think this says it all. Look at the lies and cover ups we all keep denying is happening this election year. Trump may not be all that mature, but at least he didn’t steal from the White House nor lied about something happening when he knew it happened. He doesn’t hide his bankruptcies but has used them as learning experiences. I wish we could say the same about all our politicians.
  17. Willing to fight injustices and make a more loving, peaceful planet that is safe and abundant for all. This some will say is a fantasy, but I say it can happen. We can make a better planet if we all work together and set aside petty ideals. We all want the same thing. We all want a roof over our head, our pets, food, clothes, and most of all love. We all want our families safe. We all want to enjoy our planet and its many pleasures without worrying about being blown up. We can do this. We must do this. We have to find ways to use less and live more. We can do this as a whole planet where no one goes hungry and everyone has. It can be done. We just all need to agree on it.
  18. Respect all. This is important folks. It really is. Do you really want someone in office that just cares about him or herself? Do you want someone there who is just in it for the money and perks? Don’t you want someone who is going to help create a society where everyone is equal and no one is abused not even a bug crawling on the ground. I know, some bugs deserve to die but if we are really honest with ourselves we know, that bug has a life and it deserves to live it. I just don’t believe it deserves to live if it is destroying a tree. To that tree, that bug is a parasite. Maybe we need a vaccine against bugs for the trees? But then, even that can cause cancer and we need less cancer on this planet and more life!

The Evil Joe Files (Revised)

*Another revision. The original is here.*

Our first episode of The Evil Joe Files!

Tillie is off having puppies and Miss Nose is now the local crime reporter

STARRING

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

It was 5 o’clock and time for me to head home when my editor came up to me. “Heard on the scanner, they are after The Evil Mastermind again. Apparently, he just knocked over a Brink’s truck walking away with over 10 million in cold hard cash.”

Wonderful, I thought and rolled my eyes at her.

“Hey, don’t get flippy with me kid. I am just letting you know so you can become a famous news person.”

“Are they sure it was The Evil Mastermind himself or his Minions? I don’t quite see him getting his wings dirty!”

My editor turned around quite fast and glared at me, “All I know is the scanner said it was The Evil Mastermind and the police are going to talk to him.”

“He owns the Chief of Police. I just don’t see how.” I stopped as her hawk eyes narrowed on me.

Since our crime reporter left to have puppies, they have saddled me with her job! Not what I want to be talking about at all! Crime is boring to me. This is no way for any professional cat to make a living. I enjoy fashion and events where I can write about how hideous all the people looked in their gaudy attire. .

This is something entirely different. This is walking around in blood, capturing interviews with police, and the most boring of all just reporting that some stupid criminal did something. I have no idea why we give them airtime. I think if we reduce their airtime then they won’t be out there committing crimes.

I have no choice but to leave my advice column, I am trying to make a daily post in our newspaper, Escanaba Morning Express, and run down to the basement where the geeks live. All the way down there just to get an address and possible names of cops I need to bribe with doughnuts and coffee.

I take the information from the nerds in the hole, get what I need from my desk, and then off I go in my car. All this to get information on some crazy parrot and his criminal conspirators. This gang of birds might as well be the mafia. They are the crime in this city. I bet if they were gone, we would be crime free.

Finally, I arrived at the police station. I had to stop and talk to Donna at the Doughnut King. She knows exactly what coffee and doughnuts these particular officers love. I have to spend my awesome money just to get interviews from these dogs. As usual, I walk in with a box and drink carrier right up to the Desk Sargent.

“Well hellloooo Miss Nose!” I hate his sing songy voice. “How is the news treating you today?”

“Horribly, since I am here today for Tillie and not writing my advice and fashion columns.”

“It can’t be that bad. Why not write an article on our great fashion. We have these beautiful dark blue uniforms made of polyester. They make us sweat wonderfully. They aren’t easy to move in either.”

“Definitely not as great as scrubs. I was at the hospital two nights ago on that stabbing. The desk nurse told me the same thing as you. Are you two married or something?”

“I don’t think so? What was her name? Maybe.”

“You should know if your wife is a nurse.” I said to him and put on my biggest, toothiest smile. “I need to talk to these officers.” I handed him the list from the geek squad.

“Ah. Hold on. I will get you an escort. I have to call up first and see if they are available. I will let them know you have their ‘request’ and it is getting cold. That will help to get you some free time.”

“Thanks much Sargent Hands.” I wagged my tail a bit for that old dog. He is good to me. Tillie tells me he is hard to please and she has to really beg for him to help her get the interviews. I don’t have this problem with any of the dog patrol.

I got up to the third floor in time for the doggies to rope me in. They surrounded me for their treats. Their tails wagging for the coffee and doughnuts they love so much.

“I need to know everything you know about The Evil Mastermind’s latest caper.”

“Well now, we can’t give you everything since we have to hold back something so we can identify the stoolie.”

“The ‘stoolie’? Don’t you mean the suspect? I think you have been reading too many of those old gangster mags. Hold back whatever you like. Just tell me what they were wearing and the other crap that crime readers like.”

Big Dog Sargent or Lieutenant Homer gave me a detailed description of the crazy birds and some details to keep the crime nutters happy. My article that day read like this:

Poorly Dressed Birds take Ten Million from Brink’s Truck

By Miss Nose

Monday morning 8 a.m.

The day was bright with sunshine and the flowers were giving off an aromatic scent when these birds flew the coop for the crime of the century. I nearly choked on my coffee as the dogs down at EPD told me all about it.

A heist was committed by poorly dressed criminals of the underworld. These unfashionable bunch of numpties think they are masterminds of the criminal underground and align themselves with The Evil Mastermind. This crime reporter thinks they should really consider taking a class in fashion. They wore all black and polyester to conceal themselves. What a fashion faux pas. They decided that 8 a.m. was a great time of day to rip off an armored truck. They took a small pipe bomb and used it to blow the door.

The suspects got away with over 10 million dollars and various bonds. With what they are wearing, this crime reporter believes they should be cited for bad taste in fashion. Their shoes were bad pop up shop knock offs. They definitely didn’t want anyone knowing what they truly love to wear.

This crime reporter can tell you that ready to wear is not what you should be wearing. It is as bad as some people thinking pajamas are an ok idea. That may work in India but we are not all out looking for enlightenment. You would be better off looking for Carmena Bengal’s new line. It is intuitive and all the rage for the industrial chic.

They did manage to injure one of the guards. The other was cowering in a corner with blood on his, need I say it, polyester/wool blend uniform. It isn’t the best looking uniform I have ever seen. It could use some modern sprucing maybe with a warm color or an illumination on something better.

They took a young teller wearing yoga pants, a man’s formal shirt, and tennis shoes hostage. Why? I can’t figure. That is the worse idea of office work attire I have ever heard. I would have taken the woman wearing Merle Ragdoll’s latest fox cloak. She also had a handbag made by Wong Siam. But NOOOO they go for the “ready to wear” woman. Do you see me rolling my eyes?

I know Tillie would have a much better crime article for you once she has the puppies. Until Tillie comes back, you have a week filled with silk.

I know not really what the crime buggies want but what do you expect when you give that column to the fashion/advice person. Here is some advice, don’t!

I worked hard, all day on that article, well actually only like 2 hours from interview to finished, and then went onto my real column. I had to finish my advice to “loved like a dog”.

MEANWHILE:

The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist were together eating a meal at Big Joe’s Seed and Pits. They were eating salad, cracking walnuts, and drinking coffee. Plus working on taking over the world.

“I don’t like that idea.” said The Evil Mastermind while taking a drink of his coffee. “You can come up with better. As my sidekick I would suggest you do.”

“I thought it was a great idea.” said the Evil Cockatoo. “I think taking over a social site and convincing everyone to stay on it day and night would be wonderful for us.”

“And how does that help us take over the world?” asked The Evil Mastermind pinpointing his pupils at The Evil Cockatoo. “People are too busy to stay on a social network all day. How would they make money? How would they see their friends? This is not acceptable.”

“I agree. How about a vaccine that poisons their system and they have to pay for it? We can make them believe they have to have it to stay healthy. We can get rich off of our poison.”

“You are as nuts as The Evil Cockatoo. Who in their right mind would buy poison thinking it would keep them healthy? I am thinking about running for President and then enacting a bill making me supreme ruler of the world.”

“Oh that is a good one boss.” Evil Cockatoo and Mad Scientist said simultaneously. “Now put your heads together, do the research, and tell me how to make this happen.”

 

This concludes our first episode. Stay tune for more Evil Joe Files. Next time, the minions will take over a corn shop.

Miss Nose Meets a Psychic (Revised)

*This one took me a while to figure out. I had blue font on the original. I figured out how to clear the formatting so I can make it match my theme. Yay. Original is fixed from that blue as well. Another YAY! Original here. This is going to look much better now!*

This week on The Evil Joe Files:

The Minions find a corn shop and decide to break out on their own without The Evil Mastermind.

Miss Nose meets a psychic.

 

STARRING

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

 

Friday

I was writing  my advice column when Mrs. Coffee, my editor in chief, came over to my desk with a huge latte. My suspicions peeked as soon as I see her coming across the floor and the smell of my favorite latte can mean only one thing. She wants me to do something I am not going to want to do. My suspicions are soon confirmed with my editor reaching my desk. “The Minions called. They decided to do a job on their own and are now wanting to talk to YOU.”

ME!” I couldn’t tell what she was up to but I can bet nothing good. She gave me an address which turned out to be an abandoned building once used as a brewery.

The Minions offered me a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I declined and asked if they had coffee. “Negative.” said Zippy. “We don’t drink that shit at all. We like the real sugar water made by Pepsi-Cola.”

I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, ‘figures!‘ The Minions could tell I was agitated by them. “Why did you call me? Why am I here?”

“We decided to do a job on our own. And you will never believe what we saw there.” said Nineteen.

Nineteen is a very beautiful red hen and very sophisticated. She may be the last numbered hen but she is the leader that is for sure.

“Look” said Roger, “ we were there minding our own business and planning a caper when we discovered something in the vault.”

Fifteen offered me some pie. I waved my hand no to her and backed slightly away. I really am not in the mood to eat anything from their lair.

“We are really great cooks.” she said looking at me sadly as if I offended her. I could tell from her face that she wanted me to have some pie.

Finally, I couldn’t take her looking at me like that anymore so I said, “Fine. Give me a piece of pie!”

Fifteen sliced me a piece and put it neatly on a plate with a scoop of chocolate ice cream. She then put whipped cream on top with sprinkles and a cherry. I took a bite and to my amazement, it was the best damn piece of pie I ever ate! I was trying really hard to keep a piece in my mouth because I wanted to ask Rodney a question after he said,”We met this cat down there and she said we were going to work with you on a major case!”

How do you get out, ‘what major case?’ and ‘what is the cat’s name?’ when you have pie shoved in your mouth? I tried to ask but pie went flying out as I tried to speak. I resigned myself to just finishing my piece of pie and then I could ask my questions.

I finished my pie and started asking The Minions the two vital questions I wanted to ask when my mouth was filled with the most mouth watering piece of pie I have ever tasted! Why these hens don’t open a bakery is beyond me? Anyway, back to my questions.

“What is this major crime we are going to work on?” I asked the Minions. “And what is this cat’s name? By the way, why is it you don’t open a bakery? That pie was amazing!”

“We were there and this cat, she kept saying, we were to go back to our hangout, call Miss Nose.”

“Wait a minute!” I said, “ Tell me this story from the very beginning. Like from the moment you woke up.”

Raymond started once again, “We got up at 3 am like usual. All of us guys started crowing and the hens got up. They started laying eggs and cooking them up for us. We started to formulate what kind of job we were going to do. We have been discussing this for the past week but today was the day we were going to actually do it. We were going over the plan. Who would be where and when. What time the truck would show up. What the guards would be doing. The whole thing. We watched this truck for over a month and we knew exactly what they did.”

Raymond walked over to a white flip board that had a peg board on the back. When he turned it over, the peg board had a ton of pictures on it. I could see they were meticulously planning this heist. They even had a schedule of all the officers for the armored truck, the time when it hit each establishment, and what days of the week it had the most money. I listened intently to their spiel and got what information these bird brains could remember.

Saturday

I went to where The Minions where casing to see what they were trying to heist. Amazingly the place and armored vehicle went to a corn meal shop. I rolled my eyes. I am not sure if they are robbing the joint for the cornmeal or for money. Crazy chickens! I watched nearly all day and even found a new coffee shop across the street from the cornmeal establishment. I purchased a large mocha white chocolate coffee! That was so yum! It made me purr.

I kept watch for this so called cat that stated we would be working on the same case. Where was she? I had no clue if what the minions told me was true or not. They spend so much time with The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist that they could be coo coo for all I know. I decided to finally give up and I went home to write up my articles I needed done for Monday’s paper. I have three advice questions and a fashion show to cover,  ALL FOR MONDAY!

I was drained from my all day stake out of the minions heist area. I had taken a bunch of photos of the day as well. I took out my sd card and popped it into my slot on the computer. I will deal with those photos later, I thought as the notification came up asking what I want to do with the sd card.

I needed to get my column done. It didn’t take me long to get a great draft done for my editor. I took the stories I had written and emailed them off to the editor for final proof. My editor was actually an English teacher before she retired and let me tell you, she is hell on wheels about all my grammar. Don’t put one period or comma out of place with her. She is tough. One time I had a spelling mistake and she was on me for three days with spelling tests.

That’s when the call came through.

It was one of the hens, Rosita, with news. Seems that cat returned and actually found the abandoned building they were shacked up in. Apparently she even took Zippy hostage and wants me to negotiate for his safe return. I rolled my eyes. I guess this is my major case! I get the number from “Rosita” and call it.

Finally, you acknowledge me.” said some freaky voice on the other end. She sound like a bad psychic on a horror movie. Bella LaGoosey she wasn’t. “I told the minions you would be working with me and them on a major case.”

“Yeah right, okay then. Can you just speak normal?”

“Oh my.” she said dropping the goofy accent. “I can see there is no mystery with you.”

Really?” I offered up no surprise in my voice. “Why don’t you just send Zippy home? The hens have enough to worry about without you adding to it.”

“Well, I guess but I need to share a vision with you. Will you at least come down to Mitten’s Bar and Grill for a cup of tea with me?”

“Sure, as soon as they call and say Zippy is home.”

“Done.”

Two hours later I got the call that Zippy was home and the psychic wanted me at Mitten’s for 6. I will never get these articles done.

6pm Saturday

I got to Mitten’s at 5:45 sat at the bar and waited. No cat seemed out of the ordinary to me until she walked in. I rolled my eyes at that getup. She walked right pass me and found some young man to sit next to. Then I see a cat by the window. Dressed in a normal business suit get up and walk to the bar. I wondered if this was her. Nope. I certainly wasn’t going to wait all day for this dame.

It was 6:30 before my cellphone rang. It was the psychic. “Meet me in the alley” was all I heard then click. I went out to the alley. There was a white cat all dirty and bloody. She had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. Her long hair was matted. There was blood coming from wounds some from her face and others from different parts of her body.

“What the hell happened to you? Did the minions do this?” I was so shocked at the sight of her. I was sure someone did this.

“No. Not the minions. A cat who is more evil than The Evil Mastermind. As a matter of fact, he works for The Evil Mastermind. They call him The Shadow Killer. He is huge and pure black! And he knows how to make you say what he wants to hear.” She started to cry.

I started thinking whatever this major case is this must be the start of it so I asked her, “Tell me. What is the major case I am suppose to be helping you and the minions on?”

“They found The Shadow Killer’s vault in the corn shop they were going to hold up. That vault holds all his weapons and torture equipment. He is The Evil Mastermind’s bully. But what The Evil Mastermind doesn’t know is, The Shadow Killer wants him dead so he can take over. I need you to stop him. If he comes into power, we are all dead.”

“Why don’t you just go to the police?” then it hit me as soon as the words flew from my mouth. I knew the answer. The cops all work for The Evil Mastermind and they weren’t going to cross The Shadow Killer if he works for The Evil Mastermind.

Then I said, “Never mind I know. What can I do to help?”

“We need to expose him. We need pictures and a taped confession. We need something to bring to the Chief of Police who will take it to The Evil Mastermind. Proof. We need proof.”

With that. I knew this was going to take a while. I will have to go undercover and talk to my editor. Damn. Sometimes I hate being a reporter. Why can’t I just stay with fashion and advice?

Next time on  The Evil Joe Files:

Miss Nose gets an exclusive