Paranormal, Miss Nose (Osa yski)

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Miss Emerald Nose, journalist for the Escanaba Morning Express, is sitting with her sister, Topaz. They are having coffee at their favorite coffee shop in the Delta Plaza Mall, Joe’s Coffee Café. Miss Nose noticed one of Ruby’s friends, Kendrick the Great, sitting at a table with another woman. He was reading tarot cards to her. At least that is what it appears to be. She was watching Kendrick when Topaz tried to get her attention!

Ahmm. Topaz cleared her throat and waved her hand in front of her sister’s face. “Hello” she said to her and snapped her fingers. “You haven’t been listening to me at all. HELLO!” Miss Nose snapped out of her daze and blinked at her sister. The thought occurred to her that Topaz was correct. She didn’t even hear a word her sister said.

“Here I am going on and on about the remodeling being done at the mall since The Evil Mastermind bought the place and you are just staring out into space!” Topaz flailed her arm around in the air while her other hand-held what she is crocheting. Emmy was always amazed that her sister could knit and crochet better than she could. They often get together to drink coffee and knit something together. Her sister was won awards at the UP State Fair for her work. Topaz has even won blue ribbons on her garden, canning, and pies. Most citizens don’t believe the two of them are sisters. They are like night and day. Topaz lives in Cornell with 80 acres of land. She has horses, cattle, sheep, goats, chickens, and 5 acres dedicated to farming. Her husband does most of the farm work with their farm hands, but don’t let that fool you, Topaz can hold her own. She has thrown enough hay bales around the farm to build up her arms. Emmy has always viewed her sisters arms as those similar to the arms of body builders. They are firm and the muscles stick right out. Her sister could take anyone in a fight. Emmy lives in Esky and works for the Escanaba Morning Express. The only work out she gets is at the gym. Emmy loves her yoga classes and her muscles show it. They are lean and very feminine. She wears make up, Topaz doesn’t. She loves high heels and nice clothes, Topaz wears cowboy boots, jeans, and t-shirts. No one ever believes they had the same parents.

Miss Nose put her coffee down and grabbed her slippers she was crocheting. She started again with her pattern. “You know, you should try some harder patterns. I have some. I can give them to you. You could be creating something more than slippers. I made a purse for my best friend and shorts for her husband.” “There are some items I draw the line on making.” said Emmy, ” and shorts are one of them. Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should. And I did knit mom a sweater for Christmas.” “Yes. And one arm was longer than the other. You need to keep better count. Why mom wears that god awful thing, I will never know. She must really love you. I made her and dad matching sweaters. It took me months to find the right buttons. Yet, she wears your pull over gaudy one.”

Right then Netty Carlsen walked over to Emmy and Topaz. She was all excited about something and was rushing over with a fresh cup of coffee in her hands. All of a sudden she tripped over Matthew Johnsson’s coat and fell right on Topaz’s lap where she was knitting. Coffee flew all over the table, floor, and of course, Topaz. Miss Nose jumped as far as she could away from the violent spilling of coffee. Topaz stood up so fast she knocked Netty sideways. Netty was in a turn as she hit Miss Nose’s table. Netty’s back caught the edge of the table and started to flip. As it did, Miss Nose’s coffee cup and saucer took flight. Netty blinked twice as the table came flipping up from under her and landed on her face. Miss Nose watched as her cup flew over the Johnsson’s table, over the table where the City Manager and 4 City Council members were sitting, over a table of young high school students studying, drops of coffee landing on each table as it passed by, and then it landed right in the center of Kendrick’s tarot cards.

Miss Nose stood there a moment with her slippers in her hand as her sister was jumping around trying to get the hot coffee off her legs. She watched as her sister ran to the bathroom. Netty was groaning on the floor as Kendrick looked up from his cards with a very shocked expression. Miss Nose finally came to her senses as Michael, a barista, came rushing over to help Netty. Miss Nose didn’t know what to do. She just had to stand there a moment to let it all sink in. Then, Kendrick rose up like a vampire from his cards. He looked a bit peeved. He walked over to the napkins, asked another barista for a towel, and then back to his table where he proceeded to clean the mess from his cards. The woman sitting with him, looked over at Miss Nose, and gasped. She said something to Kendrick who turned on his heel and stared at Miss Nose.

 

New Evil Joe Files theme

I made new pictures for the Evil Joe Files. I thought the old ones could be better. What do you think? So now it will go.

STARING

joe

bb

pep

minions

And

emmy

What do you all think? Are they great? Is it better?

 

The Evil Mastermind finds Mr. Chin’s Killer

In this episode of The Evil Joe Files, The Evil Mastermind hires someone to find Mr. Chin’s killer.

 

STARRING

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

Friday Morning

The darkened sky looked wicked when looking out of the window. The Evil Mastermind actually has his back to it. He wasn’t thinking about what he wanted to do tomorrow, he was looking at something far more disturbing.

He has a plan where he is looking for a way to control the city which will lead to world domination. He thinks he is going about it the right way, but it isn’t working the way he had hoped. His idea is simply to run for President and then rule the world, but so far he couldn’t get quite enough signatures to be on the ballet. He needed more publicity is what one aide said. He was taking advice seriously especially from the aides in Washington. They suggested he should try running for City Council or Mayor first, then hit the State politics, and then he would get enough backing for President. It would be a long journey, but he is up to it.

He is getting his name out there and is in the newspaper weekly starring in fashion articles by Miss Nose. The girls at the office swoon over her and everything she writes like she is a god or a supreme ruler of the world. The Evil Mastermind’s mind started turning around thinking. He is getting an idea. He is pinning and unpinning his eyes as he is thinking. He calls in The Evil Cockatoo and The Mad Scientist. He is going to have an impromptu meeting.

Hey Boss!” exclaimed The Evil Cockatoo without looking up from his phone. “Why are you looking at that blasted phone again!” demanded The Evil Mastermind. “I have to. I created that social site you said wouldn’t captivate the world. I am actually thinking about making it a public entity but that would mean opening up my books and well, you do get a share of it, so I am really worried with you running for office if I should make it public or keep it private until you rule the world.” The Evil Cockatoo actually was looking at the The Evil Mastermind as he was talking for once.

The Mad Scientist walks in the office with a headset on and speaking to someone over the set. “Yes. Great! That will be wonderful. Now we have to sell it to the physicians and public. Make that hurdle happen so we can make more money.”

Who are you talking to? What are you two up to? This isn’t helping my plan at all! You two off on your own and not getting my plan to take over the world off the ground!” The Evil Mastermind slams his fist on his desk.

But Boss,” started The Mad Scientist, “we are working on it. I have developed some great vaccines and I am forcing the world to take them. Soon they will be under our mind control. We have placed certain ingredients in that will make most sickly. They are already paying to get cures for some of the problems we have injected in them. We have micro-chipped several children already and we are creating some to be hyper. They are causing their parents so much trouble and others are docile. Parents are wondering what is going on with the kids these days. We are creating some kids to be killers so we have something to campaign against. This is how The Evil Cockatoo and I are helping you. He created a social media. People no longer want to work. They are busy even at work taking pictures and they are live videoing their day. Just a bit longer and they will all by under our control. We made a master switch too. We have turned it off and watched people freak out! Boss, this is amazing. Soon you will be ruler of the world without any problems!” The Mad Scientist seems so convincing that The Evil Mastermind sat in his chair looking at him, pinning and unpinning his eyes, and thinking.

None of them noticed the butterfly dancing around the window. They paid no attention to the how it moved. “What are we going to do about Chin?” The Evil Mastermind finally said. “We can’t have this over our heads. There will be too many questions. Do we have the police still in our pocket?”

Yes, sir.” chimed The Evil Cockatoo. “He is even on my social site. He has his blog going, several pictures, and he is putting up crimes and criminals he is looking for.”

What are you calling this site?”

I call it ParrotSpace. It started at the Parrots University. The students there loved it. They were able to talk to one another and their teachers. I just expanded it to the whole world.”

And this helps me how?”

You are their first friend and they all wait for your daily messages. I just was able to upload new software so we can start live streaming messages and videotaping them. That is what I wanted to speak to you about and why I thought you called me in here today. I want to have you post a daily update for all ParrotSpace people. This will give you more of a platform for your campaign for office.”

So everyday I can talk about whatever I feel like?”

That is so Boss!”

Well I can not wait til this happens. I will have something put together each day by the writing staff.”

Already happening Boss. I got them to start months ago.”

Oh. Well, I hope I will enjoy them. I wanted to put some personal touches in.” “Actually you can. We have them written and you will have final say on it. We are going to start next week with you looking them over and having them rewritten.” “Really?” The Evil Mastermind pinned his eyes super small, ”Then it will be all me. Hmm.”

Sure Boss.” said The Evil Cockatoo in an unsure way.

Friday afternoon

Later that day, The Evil Mastermind went golfing with Mr. Simon Chin.

Simon, I need something done that will make you more famous.”

What is that?”

I need you to head over to my building and talk to The Evil Cockatoos writing staff. He has a social blog and they are writing little promos for me to videotape for a daily message. I want my ideas and my campaigning to be a major focus with some daily news.”

I can do that. I will do the rewrites with them. When does this start?”

I am not completely sure. I know The Evil Cockatoo wants to start soon.”

That is fair. I can get that done for you. It will be great to finally be a campaign speech writer.”

I hope your wife can understand and not make a scene again. You need to talk to that boyfriend of hers. He should not be leaving bruises on her where people think you are the abuser. What do you plan on doing with her?”

I plan on divorcing her. Believe it or not, I am tired of her new boyfriend. I will be having a meeting with them both later today. I plan on telling her then and getting myself distanced from her. Thankfully, I listened to you and I have a prenup. She gets nothing because of the affair and I have the pictures with the affidavits that prove her affairs.”

Good for you. That will be great. You can then find someone with more taste. Do you know the man she is seeing?”

No I don’t. I do have my eyes on this other woman. I think she will make a great wife. Once I am officially divorced I want to ask her out!”

I sure hope it isn’t that insufferable Miss Nose! All the women in my office drool over her. Her advice, her fashion, one even wants me to do an interview with her. Can you believe that?” The Evil Mastermind scoffs.

I can, and I am not saying.” Simon puts on the most slyest smile. “Why don’t you set up a meeting for tonight with the writing crew? We can meet at my office. I do think you should do that interview. Maybe we can get her to agree on certain questions that you are prepared to answer. We can write up your answers and you can memorize them, or we can ask her for what questions she is going to ask and prepare that way.”

When are you going to confront Tiger-Lilly and her lover?”

When we are done golfing. I have it set. I plan on getting home before her, showering, changing clothes, and confronting them. I can’t take it whole idea that everyone thinks I am an abuser when it is the one she is having an affair with. He must be a real piece of work to beat a woman.”

Can’t stand those kind myself!” Stated The Evil Mastermind maliciously.

Friday 1:30 P.M.

Tiger-Lilly was at the hotel getting dressed quickly in the bathroom. She was looking at the bruises Link left on her. Most knew him as The Shadow Killer but his name is Link and she was in love with him. She knows Simon isn’t happy about it but what can he do. The biggest issue with Link are the bruises he leaves affects her career as a supermodel. The makeup artists are getting upset with her. They have to use a ton of product to cover the damage Link leaves behind. Everyone thinks it is Simon leaving the marks. They wonder why all of a sudden he is abusing her. She never lets on that she is seeing other men. Her prenuptial agreement forbids it. It can cost her everything if Simon finds out and she keeps trying to hide the bruises from him, but she knows he is suspicious and rightly so.

Tiger-Lilly is sure he has evidence of this affair. Why else would he want to see her and he point out told her to bring Link. His exact words as she walked out of the room were, “And remember to bring that boyfriend of yours. I am tired of wearing his sins. My reputation is important to me and he is ruining it! He better be here or I will find him.” She closed the door behind her without a word. How did he know? She has been so careful.

She wondered if she should warn him that Link is The Shadow Killer and works for The Evil Mastermind. He removes obstacles for The Evil Mastermind and totally loves what he does. As she takes a long, good look in the mirror, she sighs. Tiger-Lilly secretly hopes all will go well and no one will get hurt.

We better hurry hun. We don’t want to be late for your husband’s meeting.” Link smirked at the door. Tiger-Lilly shuddered in the bathroom. She thinks to herself, after today, I will be rid of you Mr. Link.

Friday 3 P.M.

Tiger-Lilly and Link walk up the steps of Simon Chin’s mansion. Tiger-Lilly is secretly hoping Simon will forgive her if she tells Link it is over and will never cheat again.

Simon is on his way up the stairs as the two walk into the foyer.

I wasn’t expecting you two this early.”

I decided we should up the time of our meeting.” said Link and then it happened. The Shadow Killer swiftly, with speed Tiger-Lilly had never seen before, reached Simon. He grabbed Simon and they struggled a bit, then BANG!. Tiger-Lilly screamed even though she didn’t hear herself. She watched as in slow motion the blood and tissue expel from her husband and then she watched him sagged onto the stairs. What Tiger-Lilly doesn’t know is she is screaming even though she can’t hear herself do it.

Link was upon Tiger-Lilly before she knew it. He slapped her hard in the face.

Shut it! You stupid bitch!” he screamed at her. “We need to clean this mess and figure out where we can move him. Check his calendar and see if he has any appointments. Maybe we can place him somewhere where it won’t come back to you and me.”

Tiger-Lilly went on autopilot hoping The Shadow Killer wouldn’t make her his next victim. She is freaked out. The Shadow Killer looked at her. She could see his brow lowering, his cheekbones raising, his nose flared, his mouth became thin, his chin raised a bit and she knew. She knew she had better move or she would be next. Link took a deep breath in and then said, “Where does he keep his calendar?” He said it so calm and quiet that Tiger-Lilly knew she was showing the signs of fear.

In his office.” She finally mustered enough energy to force out the sentence.

Where is his office?” said Link.

This way.” She pointed with her finger to the left and turning on her heel she walked toward the office of Mr. Simon Chin.

Link sees his calendar on Simon’s desk.

He has a meeting tomorrow.” Link says to Tiger-Lilly. “Let’s get him loaded up in the trunk and get him to his office. That will take the heat off of you. They will just think he was killed there. You’re going to have to clean up that blood as well.”

Tiger-Lilly just stood there in shock and shook her head as he told her what to do.

Go! Now. Start cleaning. I will get the body out of the way while you get the supplies together.”

Tiger-Lilly did as she was told. She headed to the utility closet for the supplies. She found a rug cleaner and rug shampoo. She found Murphy’s Oil Soap for the wood, a bucket, and a towel. She put the bucket in the closet’s sink and turned on the warm water. She wasn’t aware of the tears coming from her eyes as she mixed the solution in the bucket. She took the bucket to the stairway and watched Link pick up Simon, carrying him to the garage. Blood is dripping all the way like bread crumbs leading someone to the truth. She followed and watched Link place him in the trunk. She could have sworn Simon gasped. She wondered if he is still alive. She turned around and stepped in blood. She took the towel dipped it in the bucket and cleaned up the drops all the way back to the stairs. She put the bucket at the foot of the stairs and went back to the closet for the rug cleaner. She filled it up with shampoo and warm water. She took it to the stairs and started cleaning the carpeting on the steps. She didn’t even hear Link turn on the car and leave for Simon’s office.

Friday 5 P.M. Simon Chin’s office

Link waits as everyone files out of the building. He has Simon’s keys and card key to get into his office. He has done this several times. He knows exactly how to avoid the cameras even. He is waiting for the right moment to move Simon from the trunk, up the loading elevator, and into his office. He will have to double check that elevator for cameras and maybe take it out so he won’t be on it.

Once he is sure, he walks to the service elevator and notices one camera inside. He is wearing all black and everything is covered. He pulls out a spray can of black paint and sprays the camera lens. He heads back to the car, pulls Simon out of the trunk. The damn cat is still breathing still. He throws him over his shoulder and carries him to the elevator. Up they go to Simon’s office.

He steps off the elevator and walks over to Simon’s door. He opens it with the key card. He goes in the office, past the secretary’s desk, and opens the double doors with Simon’s key. Now to find the right spot to place the body and make it look like a robbery gone wrong. Link places him in front of his desk and starts tearing up various items. He throws a few items and they break making it look like a struggle ensued.

Link leaves the same way he comes in. He made sure he left the key and card key on Simon’s desk. He made sure to leave it all unlocked so the next day when someone comes in, they will find him. What Link couldn’t know is he wouldn’t be found the next day.

Friday 8 P.M

The Evil Mastermind’s writers are on their way up to Mr. Chin’s office. When they enter they see a horrible scene.

Saturday Mid-morning

The Evil Mastermind is sitting at his desk reading the Escanaba Morning Express. He is shocked to discover that someone killed Simon. He wanted the problem with Tiger-Lilly to go away but not with the death of one of his best mates.

The so called investors were really The Evil Cockatoo’s writers for his ParrotSpace social site. They called him from the warehouse when they discovered Simon dead on the floor. The Evil Cockatoo advised them to say they were investors and call the police. It really wasn’t until after the police arrived that they got a call from Tiger-Lilly almost as if she knew and had to time it correctly.

The Evil Mastermind wondered who killed Simon. He was devastated by the whole murder scene that the writers took photos of for them all to see. He knew he was going to miss that cat. Simon was excellent on the golf course and was an amazing at business endeavors. The Evil Mastermind could always count on Simon in a pinch. Simon had an amazing mind for negotiation and trade. He could make any deal with anyone and you knew you would come out victorious.

The Evil Mastermind called in his best agent to look into the matter. His best PI dog Ryder. Ryder was known to sniff out dirt and could find any lead. He was cunning and could follow any scent. The Evil Mastermind knows Ryder will find out what happened and give him the most honest report of his findings. The Evil Mastermind needed to know who did this. Simon was the most challenging cat on the golf course and now, he was snuffed out like he didn’t even matter.

Saturday afternoon around 1 P.M.

Ryder is inside EPD looking at the various files on the Mr. Chin murder. He notes who is doing the autopsy. One of the greats, Dr. Jerry Thomas. Wonderful, thought Ryder, I know Jerry will give me what I need.

Ryder pulls out his cell, looks through his contacts, and finds Dr. Jerry Thomas’ number. He clicks send and hears ringing on the other end.

Hello, Ryder!” exclaimed Dr. Thomas. “What do I owe the pleasure of your call? Are we going bowling today?”

Not today, I am on a case.”

Really? What case?” asked Jerry.

The case of Mr. Chin. I need to know what happened to him. Could you give me the details from the autopsy? My client wants answers.”

That is understandable. Meet me for dinner at Mitten’s or would you rather Joe’s? I can bring the file and you can read it. I will answer any questions you have.”

Thanks Doc. I think Mitten’s would be a better choice right now. See you at around 7ish?”

7ish sounds great to me. See you at Mitten’s!”

Saturday At the same time

The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist were having a meeting. They were discussing what was going to help The Evil Mastermind’s campaign and what wouldn’t, but The Evil Mastermind really couldn’t concentrate on the business at hand. He is really upset about the loss of his friend, his best mate, his golfing buddy.

Boss!” The Evil Cockatoo snapped his toes at The Evil Mastermind’s face. “Hello! Earth to The Evil Mastermind! Hello. Are you there?”

The Evil Mastermind shook his head a bit and said, “What were we discussing again?”

Boss, I think it is better if we just adjourn this meeting and have it at a time when you are more ready to have it. I think you need some time to deal with the death of Mr. Chin.” said The Mad Scientist with concern in his voice.

Saturday 6:30 P.M.

Mitten’s Bar and Grill took in plenty of tourist in the area. Mitten’s served what every tourist loved. Burgers and fries, fish and chips, pasties, and all for a smaller price than Big Joe’s Seeds and Pits. Big Joe’s or Joe’s as most called it, had the best barbecue ribs and made their own liquor from beer to wine and then some. When you wanted steak, you went to Joe’s. Both made pasties, but each was different. Mitten’s made them without anything fancy. They were hamburger, potatoes, and carrots. That was it. Joe’s made them fancy with minced steak and gravy inside them. Mitten’s is near the highway far from Joe’s which is near the park. Those are the differences besides the fact that Mitten’s would have a rougher crowd during certain times of the year. Mitten’s really is for the lower life in town.

Ryder got to Mitten’s before Jerry and found a good spot to sit. He was going to get some answers and be able to get on the scent of what really happened to Mr. Chin.

Good evening, Ryder.” said the bouncy blond lab who would be his waitress.

Good evening, Mindy.” Ryder said back, “What are your specials today?”

You mean besides your big brown eyes?”

Yep”

Well, we have some beef stew and Swiss steak as our specials. The Swiss steak comes with a side of spaghetti, a roll, your choice of potato, a salad, and your drink. Are you alone tonight?”

Nope. Bring coffee for now. I am meeting a friend and then I think I will order the steak after seeing if he wants to eat or not.”

Ok. I will bring you your coffee and wait.”

Thank you Mindy.” said Ryder

You’re welcome handsome.” Mindy responded.

Saturday 6:55 P.M.

Dr. Jerry Thomas was finally close enough to park his car. There is a parking lot across the street from Mitten’s. It is sometimes very hard to parking in downtown Escanaba. The main street is very old and narrow. The city has tried several ways to do park from angle to parallel. Jerry finally found a spot and parked. Mitten’s didn’t have valet parking like Joe’s.

Dr. Thomas took his briefcase out of his trunk and walked across the street to Mitten’s. He had only the preliminary files since they haven’t had a chance to do a full autopsy. They did take a blood and sent it off to toxicology for a report. They sent it to another lab as well for some basic counts, and they sent some off to be tested and matched to know DNA of Mr. Chin. In this town, anyone can fake their own death so Jerry always made sure with a DNA test that he had the right man or woman.

Jerry walked into Mitten’s and started looking around for Ryder. Ryder has been his friend since they were both started school. They even went to the same University together. They stayed in touch after school as one went into the police force and the other became an assistant at the Medical Examiner’s Office. Escanaba hasn’t changed much since they were kids. Even the politics are the same and you would think that would change after a generations or two. As he was looking around, he noticed Mindy. She pointed toward a table in the back. Jerry started toward that area and noticed Ryder sitting at a table. As usual his back was to the wall and it was near a window.

Ryder saw Jerry coming towards him and stood up to greet his old friend with a hug.

How are you doing?” Ryder asked Jerry as if nothing unusual was happening except two old friends having lunch. “Mindy tells me they have a Swiss steak and beef stew for specials. Are you hungry?”

I am. We should get Mindy here and order quickly so we have time to catch up.”

Jerry knew what Ryder was doing in front of everyone and they would wait until more tables emptied before getting on to business.

Saturday 7:55 P.M.

Mitten’s is finally seeing the dinner rush clearing out. Mindy is washing tables and clearing dishes. As she leaves the area, Jerry reaches for his briefcase.

You are going to love the prelim.” he said to Ryder.

Really? Why?”

We have amazing stuff in this report.” Jerry opens his case and pulls out a red folder. Ryder knows the contents of a folder of that color. Red is for homicide by firearms. Ryder raises his eyebrows quizzically. Now that is interesting, he thinks. Jerry hands him the folder. Ryder takes it and opens it. He sees the SOAP notes that the tech started for the doctor doing the autopsy. He notices no one has been assigned the autopsy yet and then his puzzling looking eyes fall upon something that makes his hair stand on edge. Ryder sighs. He now knows who killed Mr. Chin and all he needed to see was right there on paper written in black ink.

Saturday 10 P.M.

Ryder parks his car in the Chin’s driveway and walks up to the door. He knows it is late but doesn’t care. He has a few questions for Tiger-Lilly. He will know if she is lying. He is good at sniffing out the truth. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. Ding, ding, dong, ding, dong, doooooonnnnngggg! It rings through the air. Ryder is kind of startled by the sound but pulls himself together quickly. All his time on the force gave him the startles.

A very beautiful blond with do745ey brown eyes answered the door. She is wearing the usual maid outfit for Rent A Maid.

May I help you?” she blinks at Ryder.

I am here to see Tiger-Lilly.”

May I say whom is calling.”

Whom, who says whom anymore? Ryder thinks.

Tell her, Ryder is here.”

The blond shuts the door in Ryder’s face. Ryder rolls his eyes and stands there waiting.

Ryder looks at his watch. His anger is starting to surface. He isn’t happy with this woman at all. He knows Tiger-Lilly. He has been her body guard before for photo shoots. He looks at his watch again and see how time is flying by. He is going to give her 10 more minutes before he rings that bell again. He sits down on the porch step and as he does, the door finally opens and out walks the blond.

What are you still doing here?”

Didn’t you tell Tiger-Lilly I was here?”

Um. Yeah. Sure. I did.”

Liar. Turn around right now and tell her or I will arrest you.”

The blond’s eyes widen to fullness, her mouth opens wide, and a startled look is on her face. “Ok” she says and turns around. She opens the door and disappears. Less than a minute later she reappears with Tiger-Lilly behind her.

Ryder” Tiger-Lilly says with surprise. “I am so glad to see you!” She rushes to Ryder and hugs him tightly.

I need to speak to you, Tiger-Lilly.” Ryder said lowly in her ear.

Tiger-Lilly let go of Ryder and said, “Come on in. I will make us some coffee.” She let go of his hands and turned around walking toward the door. Ryder followed her and sneered at the maid as he passed by her.

He follows her to the kitchen and watches as she makes a pot of coffee. They are both silent. Tiger-Lilly reaches up for cups on her tip toes and brings down two big mugs for coffee. She drums her finger nails on the counter as the coffee brews. When it is done, she pours coffee into both mugs, turns around, and brings them over to the island. She looks at Ryder as she passes him the mug. He takes it from her, looking at her intently. They take a drink simultaneously and then

Ryder. I didn’t kill Simon.”

Where did that come from? Ryder thought. He raises his eyebrows at Tiger-Lilly.

I know. I know.” she says to him. “I thought about calling you every day since it happened. Ryder, I am frightened.” She started shaking. “I told the maids not to let anyone in. I am sorry my maid didn’t let you in. I never thought you would be at my door and right when I need you. I have been so scared. She was just following rules I set. Please, don’t be mad at her. I am so happy you are here.”

Ryder looked at her, signed and then said, “Tell me what happened. I will make sure you are safe.”

Sunday

The Evil Mastermind is sitting at his desk. He is thinking. As he is thinking, he is pinning and unpinning his eyes. He secretly hopes Ryder can find out what happened to his mate, Mr. Simon Chin. He really wanted Simon to help him refine his speeches for ParrotSpace.

He finds himself wishing he could call Simon. He really misses that cat. He misses having someone to golf with and gossip about all of Escanaba with. It is unfair his mate is gone. The only true buddy he really has, maybe. He pounds his fists on his desk.

The Evil Mastermind sits waiting. He is waiting for Ryder to tell him who killed Simon. He is plotting having The Shadow Killer work him or her over good. He wants this person dead like his friend. He wants him or her gone. He know The Shadow Killer will get his claws into this person and really torture him or her to no good end. The Shadow Killer is The Evil Mastermind’s most ruthless assassin and he was going to get information on why Simon was killed along with the pleasure of listening to Simon’s murderer scream for mercy.

Sunday Around 1 P.M.

The Shadow Killer is on his way to an assignment. He has someone to kidnap and torture, when he notices he is being followed. He pulls over and decides to get a coffee at the local Mr. DoughNUTS. This will allow him to get a better look, but this tail is better than Link knows. Link gets out of his car and walks into Mr. DoughNUTS for coffee and he sees the car pull over from the window. Now he knows, he knows that car. Damn, he thinks, I have that damn hound Ryder on my ass. The Evil Mastermind will know soon enough that I killed Simon. I need a plan.

Link walks out of Mr. DoughNUTS with a coffee, gets in his car, and heads to his assignment. As he is driving, he is trying to figure out how to take care of this situation. Ryder knows and he will tell The Evil Mastermind. Link knows he is the best but that doesn’t mean someone from overseas can’t be called in. The Evil Mastermind has friends over there with assassins better than Link.

Sunday 8 P.M.

Link heads home for the day after doing his “errand” all day. He had to supply his client with details after his “errand” was completed. He parks and watches Ryder park a bit away from his house. He puts his car in the garage and turns it off. Watches for a second, and then gets out. He uses the door from the garage to get in his house. Now to start cleaning the whole thing. Link grabs gloves from his bag and gets to work.

Sunday 11 P.M.

Link has watched Ryder follow him all day. He kept looking out the window as he cleaned the house waiting for Ryder to give up and leave. Finally, Link makes it look like he is going to bed. That is when Ryder finally leaves his tail and Link springs into action. He gets to his car and heads to seedy side of town. That side has homeless, prostitutes, drug addicts, and all the low life you can find. It is where you go when you want to hire a sloppy assassin. He is looking for just the right kind of homeless cat that can make his plan work.

Monday

Ryder is contemplating how he should tell The Evil Mastermind about The Shadow Killer. He has followed him around. He knew the moment he read the preliminary report that it had to be him. It had his tell all over the floor. Even when Ryder went to visit Tiger-Lilly, he could smell it like bad whiskey. But how does he tell The Evil Mastermind that his top cat is the one who killed his best friend? This is going to be very hard indeed.

Ryder picks up the phone and dials The Evil Mastermind’s number. Time to make that meeting and tell him the bad news. This is going to be a serious blow. Ryder is sure it may even push him over the edge. This is the last thing they will want. Nothing is good when the town’s bad guy is insane.

Monday 5 P.M.

The Evil Mastermind picks up his phone as Ryder leaves the room. He now has to take out his best assassin. This is so hard on him. First his best friend and now his best employee. What a week The Evil Mastermind has had.

Tuesday Morning

The Evil Mastermind is sitting at his desk, pinning and unpinning his eyes as he is thinking. His meeting with Ryder gave him much to think about. He is waiting for the report back The Shadow Killer has been eliminated. His secretary brings him in some walnuts which are his favorite, but even that doesn’t bring him out of his daze. She watches him and worries about his mental health. He just keeps pinning and unpinning his eyes. Like it some sort of nervous tick. She isn’t liking what she is seeing and wonders if he will be the same after all of this.

Tuesday Afternoon

Link has been hiding most of the day right where he knows the assassins won’t find him. He is sitting in the basement of Joe’s Seeds and Pits. No one would ever look for him here. He knows he has to do something to save his life and get The Evil Mastermind off his back. He has been formulating a plan. He has everything he needs right here to complete his plan. Then he will get away free and everyone will think he perished in the fire. Good thing for him there are homeless cats around. No one will ever miss this guy. Link made sure he took him to his house after he cleaned the whole thing. Had the guy touch everything in the house, brush his teeth, take a shower, comb his hair, and do all the things someone would do when they lived there. A whole two days of living at Link’s house. He knows if the police go there, they will fingerprint and take DNA. It will all come back to this cat. He gave him enough alcohol to put him in a drunken stupor for the moment. He has to wait. He will do it tonight when the majority of the people are gone. This way, he won’t be seen leaving the building and can make a clean get away.

Tuesday night:

The Evil Mastermind walks into his office after meeting his partners downstairs. He sighs as he walks in. His life seems so meaningless at the moment. And then he hears the alarm. The fire alarm is going off and the strobe lights are flashing. His window opens and a ladder falls. It is the safety feature installed in this building. It does it for all offices so you can leave in case of fire. He thinks about staying for just one moment until he sees the butterfly. He watches it fly a bit and then realizes. Someone purposely set this fire. Possibly to kill him. But who? Now he comes back. He walks to the window and climbs out. He sees several others climbing down the building as he is. He hears the sirens in the background. Someone called already.

Meanwhile on scanners all over Escanaba!

Unit 9, Unit 9 go to 912 Charlotte Avenue 912 Charlotte Avenue. We have a fire in process. Fire in process. Fire trucks 11, 15, 29, and 41 are en route. There are people still trapped. All Units respond. All Units head to 912 Charlotte Avenue. People are still trapped with a fire in process.

This concludes this episode of The Evil Joe Files. Join us again for our next exciting episode of The Evil Joe Files where Miss Nose finds a haunted house!

The Evil Joe Files (Revised)

*Another revision. The original is here.*

Our first episode of The Evil Joe Files!

Tillie is off having puppies and Miss Nose is now the local crime reporter

STARRING

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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101_1983

PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

It was 5 o’clock and time for me to head home when my editor came up to me. “Heard on the scanner, they are after The Evil Mastermind again. Apparently, he just knocked over a Brink’s truck walking away with over 10 million in cold hard cash.”

Wonderful, I thought and rolled my eyes at her.

“Hey, don’t get flippy with me kid. I am just letting you know so you can become a famous news person.”

“Are they sure it was The Evil Mastermind himself or his Minions? I don’t quite see him getting his wings dirty!”

My editor turned around quite fast and glared at me, “All I know is the scanner said it was The Evil Mastermind and the police are going to talk to him.”

“He owns the Chief of Police. I just don’t see how.” I stopped as her hawk eyes narrowed on me.

Since our crime reporter left to have puppies, they have saddled me with her job! Not what I want to be talking about at all! Crime is boring to me. This is no way for any professional cat to make a living. I enjoy fashion and events where I can write about how hideous all the people looked in their gaudy attire. .

This is something entirely different. This is walking around in blood, capturing interviews with police, and the most boring of all just reporting that some stupid criminal did something. I have no idea why we give them airtime. I think if we reduce their airtime then they won’t be out there committing crimes.

I have no choice but to leave my advice column, I am trying to make a daily post in our newspaper, Escanaba Morning Express, and run down to the basement where the geeks live. All the way down there just to get an address and possible names of cops I need to bribe with doughnuts and coffee.

I take the information from the nerds in the hole, get what I need from my desk, and then off I go in my car. All this to get information on some crazy parrot and his criminal conspirators. This gang of birds might as well be the mafia. They are the crime in this city. I bet if they were gone, we would be crime free.

Finally, I arrived at the police station. I had to stop and talk to Donna at the Doughnut King. She knows exactly what coffee and doughnuts these particular officers love. I have to spend my awesome money just to get interviews from these dogs. As usual, I walk in with a box and drink carrier right up to the Desk Sargent.

“Well hellloooo Miss Nose!” I hate his sing songy voice. “How is the news treating you today?”

“Horribly, since I am here today for Tillie and not writing my advice and fashion columns.”

“It can’t be that bad. Why not write an article on our great fashion. We have these beautiful dark blue uniforms made of polyester. They make us sweat wonderfully. They aren’t easy to move in either.”

“Definitely not as great as scrubs. I was at the hospital two nights ago on that stabbing. The desk nurse told me the same thing as you. Are you two married or something?”

“I don’t think so? What was her name? Maybe.”

“You should know if your wife is a nurse.” I said to him and put on my biggest, toothiest smile. “I need to talk to these officers.” I handed him the list from the geek squad.

“Ah. Hold on. I will get you an escort. I have to call up first and see if they are available. I will let them know you have their ‘request’ and it is getting cold. That will help to get you some free time.”

“Thanks much Sargent Hands.” I wagged my tail a bit for that old dog. He is good to me. Tillie tells me he is hard to please and she has to really beg for him to help her get the interviews. I don’t have this problem with any of the dog patrol.

I got up to the third floor in time for the doggies to rope me in. They surrounded me for their treats. Their tails wagging for the coffee and doughnuts they love so much.

“I need to know everything you know about The Evil Mastermind’s latest caper.”

“Well now, we can’t give you everything since we have to hold back something so we can identify the stoolie.”

“The ‘stoolie’? Don’t you mean the suspect? I think you have been reading too many of those old gangster mags. Hold back whatever you like. Just tell me what they were wearing and the other crap that crime readers like.”

Big Dog Sargent or Lieutenant Homer gave me a detailed description of the crazy birds and some details to keep the crime nutters happy. My article that day read like this:

Poorly Dressed Birds take Ten Million from Brink’s Truck

By Miss Nose

Monday morning 8 a.m.

The day was bright with sunshine and the flowers were giving off an aromatic scent when these birds flew the coop for the crime of the century. I nearly choked on my coffee as the dogs down at EPD told me all about it.

A heist was committed by poorly dressed criminals of the underworld. These unfashionable bunch of numpties think they are masterminds of the criminal underground and align themselves with The Evil Mastermind. This crime reporter thinks they should really consider taking a class in fashion. They wore all black and polyester to conceal themselves. What a fashion faux pas. They decided that 8 a.m. was a great time of day to rip off an armored truck. They took a small pipe bomb and used it to blow the door.

The suspects got away with over 10 million dollars and various bonds. With what they are wearing, this crime reporter believes they should be cited for bad taste in fashion. Their shoes were bad pop up shop knock offs. They definitely didn’t want anyone knowing what they truly love to wear.

This crime reporter can tell you that ready to wear is not what you should be wearing. It is as bad as some people thinking pajamas are an ok idea. That may work in India but we are not all out looking for enlightenment. You would be better off looking for Carmena Bengal’s new line. It is intuitive and all the rage for the industrial chic.

They did manage to injure one of the guards. The other was cowering in a corner with blood on his, need I say it, polyester/wool blend uniform. It isn’t the best looking uniform I have ever seen. It could use some modern sprucing maybe with a warm color or an illumination on something better.

They took a young teller wearing yoga pants, a man’s formal shirt, and tennis shoes hostage. Why? I can’t figure. That is the worse idea of office work attire I have ever heard. I would have taken the woman wearing Merle Ragdoll’s latest fox cloak. She also had a handbag made by Wong Siam. But NOOOO they go for the “ready to wear” woman. Do you see me rolling my eyes?

I know Tillie would have a much better crime article for you once she has the puppies. Until Tillie comes back, you have a week filled with silk.

I know not really what the crime buggies want but what do you expect when you give that column to the fashion/advice person. Here is some advice, don’t!

I worked hard, all day on that article, well actually only like 2 hours from interview to finished, and then went onto my real column. I had to finish my advice to “loved like a dog”.

MEANWHILE:

The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist were together eating a meal at Big Joe’s Seed and Pits. They were eating salad, cracking walnuts, and drinking coffee. Plus working on taking over the world.

“I don’t like that idea.” said The Evil Mastermind while taking a drink of his coffee. “You can come up with better. As my sidekick I would suggest you do.”

“I thought it was a great idea.” said the Evil Cockatoo. “I think taking over a social site and convincing everyone to stay on it day and night would be wonderful for us.”

“And how does that help us take over the world?” asked The Evil Mastermind pinpointing his pupils at The Evil Cockatoo. “People are too busy to stay on a social network all day. How would they make money? How would they see their friends? This is not acceptable.”

“I agree. How about a vaccine that poisons their system and they have to pay for it? We can make them believe they have to have it to stay healthy. We can get rich off of our poison.”

“You are as nuts as The Evil Cockatoo. Who in their right mind would buy poison thinking it would keep them healthy? I am thinking about running for President and then enacting a bill making me supreme ruler of the world.”

“Oh that is a good one boss.” Evil Cockatoo and Mad Scientist said simultaneously. “Now put your heads together, do the research, and tell me how to make this happen.”

 

This concludes our first episode. Stay tune for more Evil Joe Files. Next time, the minions will take over a corn shop.

Miss Nose Meets a Psychic (Revised)

*This one took me a while to figure out. I had blue font on the original. I figured out how to clear the formatting so I can make it match my theme. Yay. Original is fixed from that blue as well. Another YAY! Original here. This is going to look much better now!*

This week on The Evil Joe Files:

The Minions find a corn shop and decide to break out on their own without The Evil Mastermind.

Miss Nose meets a psychic.

 

STARRING

101_2021

JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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101_1982

BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

101_2022

101_1983

PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

101_2013

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

 

Friday

I was writing  my advice column when Mrs. Coffee, my editor in chief, came over to my desk with a huge latte. My suspicions peeked as soon as I see her coming across the floor and the smell of my favorite latte can mean only one thing. She wants me to do something I am not going to want to do. My suspicions are soon confirmed with my editor reaching my desk. “The Minions called. They decided to do a job on their own and are now wanting to talk to YOU.”

ME!” I couldn’t tell what she was up to but I can bet nothing good. She gave me an address which turned out to be an abandoned building once used as a brewery.

The Minions offered me a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I declined and asked if they had coffee. “Negative.” said Zippy. “We don’t drink that shit at all. We like the real sugar water made by Pepsi-Cola.”

I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, ‘figures!‘ The Minions could tell I was agitated by them. “Why did you call me? Why am I here?”

“We decided to do a job on our own. And you will never believe what we saw there.” said Nineteen.

Nineteen is a very beautiful red hen and very sophisticated. She may be the last numbered hen but she is the leader that is for sure.

“Look” said Roger, “ we were there minding our own business and planning a caper when we discovered something in the vault.”

Fifteen offered me some pie. I waved my hand no to her and backed slightly away. I really am not in the mood to eat anything from their lair.

“We are really great cooks.” she said looking at me sadly as if I offended her. I could tell from her face that she wanted me to have some pie.

Finally, I couldn’t take her looking at me like that anymore so I said, “Fine. Give me a piece of pie!”

Fifteen sliced me a piece and put it neatly on a plate with a scoop of chocolate ice cream. She then put whipped cream on top with sprinkles and a cherry. I took a bite and to my amazement, it was the best damn piece of pie I ever ate! I was trying really hard to keep a piece in my mouth because I wanted to ask Rodney a question after he said,”We met this cat down there and she said we were going to work with you on a major case!”

How do you get out, ‘what major case?’ and ‘what is the cat’s name?’ when you have pie shoved in your mouth? I tried to ask but pie went flying out as I tried to speak. I resigned myself to just finishing my piece of pie and then I could ask my questions.

I finished my pie and started asking The Minions the two vital questions I wanted to ask when my mouth was filled with the most mouth watering piece of pie I have ever tasted! Why these hens don’t open a bakery is beyond me? Anyway, back to my questions.

“What is this major crime we are going to work on?” I asked the Minions. “And what is this cat’s name? By the way, why is it you don’t open a bakery? That pie was amazing!”

“We were there and this cat, she kept saying, we were to go back to our hangout, call Miss Nose.”

“Wait a minute!” I said, “ Tell me this story from the very beginning. Like from the moment you woke up.”

Raymond started once again, “We got up at 3 am like usual. All of us guys started crowing and the hens got up. They started laying eggs and cooking them up for us. We started to formulate what kind of job we were going to do. We have been discussing this for the past week but today was the day we were going to actually do it. We were going over the plan. Who would be where and when. What time the truck would show up. What the guards would be doing. The whole thing. We watched this truck for over a month and we knew exactly what they did.”

Raymond walked over to a white flip board that had a peg board on the back. When he turned it over, the peg board had a ton of pictures on it. I could see they were meticulously planning this heist. They even had a schedule of all the officers for the armored truck, the time when it hit each establishment, and what days of the week it had the most money. I listened intently to their spiel and got what information these bird brains could remember.

Saturday

I went to where The Minions where casing to see what they were trying to heist. Amazingly the place and armored vehicle went to a corn meal shop. I rolled my eyes. I am not sure if they are robbing the joint for the cornmeal or for money. Crazy chickens! I watched nearly all day and even found a new coffee shop across the street from the cornmeal establishment. I purchased a large mocha white chocolate coffee! That was so yum! It made me purr.

I kept watch for this so called cat that stated we would be working on the same case. Where was she? I had no clue if what the minions told me was true or not. They spend so much time with The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist that they could be coo coo for all I know. I decided to finally give up and I went home to write up my articles I needed done for Monday’s paper. I have three advice questions and a fashion show to cover,  ALL FOR MONDAY!

I was drained from my all day stake out of the minions heist area. I had taken a bunch of photos of the day as well. I took out my sd card and popped it into my slot on the computer. I will deal with those photos later, I thought as the notification came up asking what I want to do with the sd card.

I needed to get my column done. It didn’t take me long to get a great draft done for my editor. I took the stories I had written and emailed them off to the editor for final proof. My editor was actually an English teacher before she retired and let me tell you, she is hell on wheels about all my grammar. Don’t put one period or comma out of place with her. She is tough. One time I had a spelling mistake and she was on me for three days with spelling tests.

That’s when the call came through.

It was one of the hens, Rosita, with news. Seems that cat returned and actually found the abandoned building they were shacked up in. Apparently she even took Zippy hostage and wants me to negotiate for his safe return. I rolled my eyes. I guess this is my major case! I get the number from “Rosita” and call it.

Finally, you acknowledge me.” said some freaky voice on the other end. She sound like a bad psychic on a horror movie. Bella LaGoosey she wasn’t. “I told the minions you would be working with me and them on a major case.”

“Yeah right, okay then. Can you just speak normal?”

“Oh my.” she said dropping the goofy accent. “I can see there is no mystery with you.”

Really?” I offered up no surprise in my voice. “Why don’t you just send Zippy home? The hens have enough to worry about without you adding to it.”

“Well, I guess but I need to share a vision with you. Will you at least come down to Mitten’s Bar and Grill for a cup of tea with me?”

“Sure, as soon as they call and say Zippy is home.”

“Done.”

Two hours later I got the call that Zippy was home and the psychic wanted me at Mitten’s for 6. I will never get these articles done.

6pm Saturday

I got to Mitten’s at 5:45 sat at the bar and waited. No cat seemed out of the ordinary to me until she walked in. I rolled my eyes at that getup. She walked right pass me and found some young man to sit next to. Then I see a cat by the window. Dressed in a normal business suit get up and walk to the bar. I wondered if this was her. Nope. I certainly wasn’t going to wait all day for this dame.

It was 6:30 before my cellphone rang. It was the psychic. “Meet me in the alley” was all I heard then click. I went out to the alley. There was a white cat all dirty and bloody. She had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. Her long hair was matted. There was blood coming from wounds some from her face and others from different parts of her body.

“What the hell happened to you? Did the minions do this?” I was so shocked at the sight of her. I was sure someone did this.

“No. Not the minions. A cat who is more evil than The Evil Mastermind. As a matter of fact, he works for The Evil Mastermind. They call him The Shadow Killer. He is huge and pure black! And he knows how to make you say what he wants to hear.” She started to cry.

I started thinking whatever this major case is this must be the start of it so I asked her, “Tell me. What is the major case I am suppose to be helping you and the minions on?”

“They found The Shadow Killer’s vault in the corn shop they were going to hold up. That vault holds all his weapons and torture equipment. He is The Evil Mastermind’s bully. But what The Evil Mastermind doesn’t know is, The Shadow Killer wants him dead so he can take over. I need you to stop him. If he comes into power, we are all dead.”

“Why don’t you just go to the police?” then it hit me as soon as the words flew from my mouth. I knew the answer. The cops all work for The Evil Mastermind and they weren’t going to cross The Shadow Killer if he works for The Evil Mastermind.

Then I said, “Never mind I know. What can I do to help?”

“We need to expose him. We need pictures and a taped confession. We need something to bring to the Chief of Police who will take it to The Evil Mastermind. Proof. We need proof.”

With that. I knew this was going to take a while. I will have to go undercover and talk to my editor. Damn. Sometimes I hate being a reporter. Why can’t I just stay with fashion and advice?

Next time on  The Evil Joe Files:

Miss Nose gets an exclusive

Mr. Chin (Revised)

*This is a revised version of Mr. Chin. The original can be found here. I updated some of it. What do you think?*

This week on the Evil Joe Files:

Ruby, the psychic makes a prediction

Miss Nose gets the exclusive

STARRING

101_2021

JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

101_1987

101_1982

BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

101_2022

101_1983

PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

101_2013

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

DSCF0539

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

Saturday’s edition of the Escanaba Morning Express featured Tillie’s article on the front page.

MR. SIMON CHIN FOUND DEAD IN BUILDING

by Tillie Treater

Mr. Simon Chin founder of the world’s best dog biscuit treat company was found dead at his biscuit warehouse on South 11th Street in Escanaba. He was discovered by several investors who were there for a meeting. “There are signs of a struggle.” said Lieutenant Clyde Barker of EPD. Lieutenant Barker refused to answer more questions concerning the case. His partner Lieutenant Bonnie Chihound gave the famous “no comment” as she always does for cases.

By talking to witnesses, I gathered this information. Mr. Chin got a mysterious call at home and hurriedly left the house. His wife Tiger-Lilly, a famous supermodel, said she called the police earlier this morning after not hearing from Simon. She told this reporter, “Simon always came home after all deals and beat me silly then he demanded wifely duties.” Obviously Mr. Chin was a violent man and Tiger-Lilly was his punching bag.

I talked to neighbors who informed me of his time with the Evil Mastermind. I was told he is part of the underground syndicate. Mr. Simon Chin was named Civilian of the Year for 2015 and 2014 by Mayor MacBuff. He was considered by many as a humanitarian willing to do anything for anyone. He was a major contributor to many charities. Many will miss Mr. Chin.

This is the morning newspaper editions front page news. Mr. Chin died at his warehouse. He was murdered by someone and he was beloved by many. I knew him as a great guy but I never knew about his time with the Evil Mastermind until the psychic called me all frantic.

I finally found out the psychics name. It is Ruby. That is all she will tell me. No last name. No middle name. I am not even sure if it is her real name but she goes by Ruby. Fine. Something to actually call her by instead of ‘hey you’.

I know how hard it is to go ‘undercover’. My editor refused to let me go like some of the other journalists do. She said I was to notorious for an undercover mission so she sent in an assistant who still doesn’t have any column of his own. She thinks it is better this way, but she really doesn’t get Miss Nose does she? I decided that I would get myself invited to some premiere parties. CHA CHING! I found several of the Evil Mastermind’s companies have art, fashion, and the type of entertainment that I can use in my articles like the ballet. I found being undercover wasn’t that hard at all. I was blending in nicely and learning quite a bit about the Evil Mastermind and his operation.

Sunday

It was a gorgeous day for just lounging around. I was getting all my work caught up and writing up an article on an art exhibit thrown for charity by the Evil Mastermind. The art charity exhibit was looking like this:

The community came together on Friday, February 27, for an art exhibit for the Children’s Hospital and St. Joseph’s Soup Kitchen at the beautiful Bonifas Fine Arts Center. It was a beautiful night with a full moon illuminating the Bonifas Fine Arts Center. What a great night for a wonderful party.

The function was hosted by Joe Macaw. The local artists featured for the charity event included Cat Fissco, Mr. Biggie Chun, King, and our local Fredya Half. The even made over 3 million dollars for the charities involve. Local talent came out in festive numbers. Ann Miclaire wore a stunning Meow dress which sparkled in the moonlight. Meow himself even made an appearance buying a Cat Fissco. The community showed great support for the soup kitchen by including a meal. All drinks and dinner plates ordered were given to St. Joseph’s Soup Kitchen. The buy in was $50 per plate with drinks costing $2 per glass.

I was working in the pictures and adding comments about each one when Ruby called me. I had a picture in my hand when I picked up the receiver and said, “Hello.” The picture was of The Evil Mastermind giving the $3,980,000 check to the heads of the charities. Harry McLairy was behind the Evil Mastermind making rabbit ears. Next to him was someone I didn’t expect to see at all. It was none other than Felix Santago. Felix Santago is the head of a drug cartel out of Cuba. Fancy meeting him at an event like this.

I was staring at the picture so intently when I heard Ruby say, “ Are you there? Are you listening to me? Hello!” I snapped back quickly. “Sorry Ruby. What do you need?” “ I was trying to tell you the vision I had of the Evil Mastermind. He was scaling a building and there was fire all around him. I have no idea what it all means, but he was trying to get away from the fire. I also got a call from someone saying they know who killed Mr. Chin.” Now my ears perked up. I started to think to myself.

Monday

After a pot of coffee, I made my way to the office. I just had to talk to Tillie. I needed to find out who was in charge of Mr. Chin’s homicide. The answer was there somewhere ,whether in the autopsy or in the police file. I took the elevator up to the 5th floor and waltzed right over to Tillie’s desk.

“Tillie, do you know who is in charge of Mr. Chin’s homicide?”

“And a good morning to you too, Miss Nose!”

“Sorry Tillie. Good morning, Tillie. Now spill.”

“It wasn’t obvious from my news article? It is the same two detectives. Lieutenants Clyde Barker and Bonnie Chihound. They still have the case and are hopping mad. They wanted it to go to the new dick on the force. The new detective is Joseph ‘Joe’ Hopper and is he good.”

“Huh. I was sure they would pass it off to someone wanting to make a name for themselves.”

“Me too, but they didn’t. Bonnie doesn’t play politics so they are giving the dynamic duo the jobs no one else wants or are unsolvable to teach her a lesson.”

I hurried off to my desk. I figured I could call the police station and talk to Clyde at least. No such luck there. Apparently the dynamic duo refuse to talk to anyone, no matter what. That would mean I needed to figure out a plan and fast. I needed to know what happened to Mr. Chin. I know they have to be getting an autopsy done. Something that will tell me what is going on. I am certain the Evil Mastermind had Mr. Chin taken out. I just had to prove it.

I spent my work hours looking for events where I could go undercover. I had to get the information on the Evil Mastermind and his minions. There is so much that the Evil Mastermind is involved in. I have been looking for a chance to speak with him or even interview him about something. I know there is more and I knew I should talk to the minions again. Besides, I really love their cooking. They make the best pies, cakes, muffins, and bread. I am trying to talk the hens in going legit. I want them to have their own store so bad that I thought of buying a building just so they can use it.

I saw a chance for the new hospital. They were going to hold a fundraiser event for a new cancer wing. This included anyone willing to donate hair, cancer hats, and anything else they could use. This was the kind of stuff the Evil Mastermind loves. He so enjoys having his picture taken at events. I was thinking I could get a wonderful interview out of this. The Evil Mastermind will want to be a part of my column, I am sure of it. I ran over to my editor.
“I want this assignment!” I scream with a squeal at her.

“Really, Miss Nose, do you have to make that sound? It hurts my ears and why would you want a charity event for a hospital?”

“To cover the evening wear of course and to get interviews for my column. I have some excellent ideas on what to ask each person.”

“Really? Well Nathan wants to cover it for the medical news.”

I give her my most excellent puppy dog eyes.

“Let me talk to Nathan. Maybe you can both go and get some great news for the paper.”

I squealed again. I really can’t contain my excitement. I wandered back to my desk and started preparing the questions I would need to ask and I was trying to figure out how to sneak in the information I would need to know what they were planning next. I had to make it all innocent.

I was getting up heading to the coffee machine when my phone rang. I usually don’t get calls so I was a bit in shock.

“Miss Nose News Desk, Miss Nose speaking.” I said into the receiver.

“Hello Miss Nose, I have got to say how much my wife and I love your advice column. I got the message you called. This is Lieutenant Clyde Barker, by the way. Lieutenant Chihound hates it when anyone wants to talk about a case, but I really wanted to talk to you.”

“Really? Are you have relationship problems, Lieutenant Barker?” I asked coyly.

“No. The Mrs. and I are good. I was calling back because the desk Sargent said you had some questions about my latest case. Tillie didn’t seem to interested in our murder.”

“I am. I was wondering what Mr. Chin was wearing when he died. Do you have the photos from the scene? I heard he was having problems with his wife. Any idea if they were having relationship problems?”

“Really? That is all you’re looking for? What he was wearing and any dish on his relationship with his wife? Hmm. I suppose we can make some time for you to look at the photos and see what you can use. It is better than what the other reporters are looking for.”

“What are the others looking for?” I asked him point blank.

“The usual. What the autopsy says, what was the murder weapon, what was the manner of death. Just the usual every murder news hound wants.”

I thanked Detective Lieutenant Barker for his time and hung up with a date to meet him and his partner to go through the photos for my ‘article’.

I must have been floating to the coffee pot because all the other reporters were looking at me funny. Finally, Tillie couldn’t take it anymore and said, “Who just called you and why are you so happy?” “That was Lieutenant Barker and I get to look at the crime scene photos!” I squealed at her. Tillie and several of the other reporters dropped their jaws and started to drool.

“I have been trying to get them to give me details about the murder since it happened.” said Mark. “And they keep telling me NO. How do you rate, MISS NOSE!”

“Because I AM MISS NOSE!” I shot back to Mark.

Then I floated back to my desk so I could grab my work and head home for the day to work on questions for all the event and the cops I am going to see.

Tuesday

I had to be up early. Bonnie and Clyde wanted me at the station for 7 a.m. I was going to see the pictures every reporter was dying to see. I was going to finally get a look and maybe find out more about the Evil Mastermind and his operations. I knew the Evil Mastermind was up to something big and that Mr. Chin must have gotten in his way.

The morning was beautiful and I was enjoying the blue and purple sky turning into a red and orange sky. It was so wonderful to watch the sun rise. I drove down to the park to watch the sun rise over Lake Michigan in all its glory. I was so lost in the moment, drinking my coffee, and meditating that I almost forgot I had to get to the police station. I headed back downtown.

I got to the station at the same time as Bonnie and Clyde. Clyde held the door open for me. “So glad you could make it.” he smiled toothly. “I sure am excited to meet you.”

“Thank you for inviting me.” I smiled back at him and winked. “I have some great ideas for my article. Is there anything you or your partner would like to me to cover in addition to what I want.”

“I don’t think so.” Bonnie said it quizzically like she wasn’t really sure.

“Well, let me know. I am envied right now by the others and they have a ton of questions, but I just want to know what Mr. Chin was wearing when he died.”

“That is very interesting Miss Nose.” said Bonnie, “What good is that? Why would you want to know?”

“Because he was a pillar of the community, wealthy, and I write a fashion column. It is important for my readers to know if he went out in a Chamar Catili or some thing off the thrift rack.”

“Wow.” said Bonnie. “That is weird. You have very freaky readers. That is interesting though. I never had a reporter ask me what they were wearing before. You are the first.”

I was happy I was getting Bonnie curious enough and I was disguising my true reason for looking at those photos. I was hoping to get in a private room and take pictures of them for Ruby.

“I just know there is something in them that will tell us exactly what happened. “ Ruby told me on the phone the night before.

“I thought you were psychic and could tell what is there without the pictures?” I said to her.

“I sometimes need something to hold or look at just to get a vision. It isn’t like a tv where you can turn it on and off you know.”

What luck I had when Bonnie took me to the room. She was really nice to me and brought in the photos. My only problem, she sat there with me. So I started to look at the photos. Mr. Chin was in an off beat type of outfit. I looked at Bonnie all weird and said, “Was he going golfing?”

“What?” she looked at me quizzically. “What do you mean?”

“Look at his outfit. Who wears big boxed plaid pants? One box white, one red, one black. Then a striped shirt. No one would be seen dead like this!” Then I threw my paw over my mouth since I remembered he was dead and dressed like that. Bonnie blinked at me.

“Come with me.” she said to me.

Bonnie led me to the basement and signed us into an area. We walked through the door and past the guard, through another door, and into a room that had tons of metal shelves.

“Where are we?” I asked her.

“This is our evidence room.”

I followed her to an area and she climbed up to the third from the top shelf. She pulled down a box and I grabbed it from her. She came down, took the box from me, and started walking down the aisle. I walked behind her. She stopped and turned right. When I turned with her, I saw a table. She placed the box on the table and opened it.

Inside was the clothing and other items of Mr. Chin. “Something disturbed me about that crime scene.” she told me.

“I suppose so since he was dressed like he was golfing.” I said to her looking at my nails so I wouldn’t look too interested in the box.

Bonnie just looked at me funny and raised her eyebrows. “I told Clyde that I thought he was killed elsewhere and placed there.”

“Why didn’t they just burn the building then?” I asked her.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I would if I wanted to get out of there fast.”

“Who said it was fast? I would just take my time and burn the place.” I said to her in my most disinterested way.

Bonnie looked really intrigued with me. “Why do you call this outfit, golfing?” she said to me while looking at me seriously.

“Haven’t you ever been golfing?” I looked at her puzzled. I was hoping she knew but was joking with me. “I have been to all those golfing events and let me tell you the fashion there, well, it isn’t there. Let’s just say, it takes some getting used to. I suppose since it is a Scottish game that the plaid pants are men’s idea of a kilt. Who knows why they think it is better to be gaudy than look good.?”

Bonnie looked at me like I was the freak. I thought any woman who didn’t understand fashion was the freak and a weirdo.

Bonnie shook her head and blinked a couple of times. “Wait! Let me get this straight.” She paused for just a moment as if collecting her thoughts and double thinking if she really wanted to ask what she asked me anyway. “He wouldn’t wear this to the office, would he? Only to the golf course. Not out in public. Not on a late night call, but only if he was at the golf course playing golf. Right? Only while playing golf and not for anything else?”

She kept looking at me like I held all the answers so I said to her, “Yes. Only to a golfing event of some sort at the golf course. He wouldn’t wear them anywhere else but golfing.”

She blinked at me again and again. Her mouth fell open. Then Bonnie stated, “I need to take these clothes to the lab and have them run them for any type of dirt or grass or something from a golf club. I think he was moved and I need to find the trace evidence proving it.”

She took out the clothes and put the lid back on the box. “Come on Miss Nose. I will buy you whatever coffee you want. I owe you.”

Then Bonnie turned on her PayPound high heel to face me and said, “Plus, any thing. ANY THING. YOU want to know about this case. I will give you personally. I will give you any exclusive YOU want for YOUR column.”

I know my eyes went wide, my turn to have my mouth fly open. “Thank you Bonnie.” I stammered. I couldn’t believe it. I was going to get the best and possibly a headline article because I knew fashion enough to help with her case.

Tuesday Night

I called Ruby to give her the update on what transpired at the police station. I was listening to the scanner as Ruby and I were looking for more possible events to get near the Evil Mastermind.

I told Ruby that my editor finally gave me the go ahead for Saturday. That is the day they are having a charity event for the cancer ward of the new hospital being built. I could hardly believe it when we heard it on the scanner. I actually dropped the phone.

Unit 9, Unit 9 go to 912 Charlotte Avenue 912 Charlotte Avenue. We have a fire in process. Fire in process. Fire trucks 11, 15, 29, and 41 are en route. There are people still trapped. All Units respond. All Units head to 912 Charlotte Avenue. People are still trapped with a fire in process.

912 Charlotte Avenue is Big Joe’s Seeds and Pits. That is the Evil Mastermind’s building. The restaurant is on the bottom floor. He and the others live at the top. I was shocked. Ruby’s prediction was coming true.

Join us again on The Evil Joe Files where we will learn the fate of the Evil Mastermind and his minions.

Mr. Chin

STARRING

101_2021

JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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101_1982

BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

101_2022

101_1983

PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

101_2013

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

 

 

Saturday’s edition of the Escanaba Morning Express featured Tillie’s article on the front page.

MR. SIMON CHIN FOUND DEAD IN BUILDING

by Tillie Treater

Mr. Simon Chin founder of the world’s best dog biscuit treat company was found dead at his biscuit warehouse on South 11th Street in Escanaba. He was discovered by several investors who were there for a meeting. “There are signs of a struggle.” said Lieutenant Clyde Barker of EPD. Lieutenant Barker refused to answer more questions concerning the case. His partner Lieutenant Bonnie Chihound gave the famous “no comment” as she always does for cases.

By talking to witnesses, I gathered this information. Mr. Chin got a mysterious call at home and hurriedly left the house. His wife Tiger-Lilly, a famous supermodel, said she called the police earlier this morning after not hearing from Simon. She told this reporter, “Simon always came home after all deals and beat me silly then he demanded wifely duties.” Obviously Mr. Chin was a violent man and Tiger-Lilly was his punching bag.

I talked to neighbors who informed me of his time with the Evil Mastermind. I was told he is part of the underground syndicate. Mr. Simon Chin was named Civilian of the Year for 2015 and 2014 by Mayor MacBuff. He was considered by many as a humanitarian willing to do anything for anyone. He was a major contributor to many charities. Many will miss Mr. Chin.

This is the morning newspaper editions front page news. Mr. Chin died at his warehouse. He was murdered by someone and he was beloved by many. I knew him as a great guy but I never knew about his time with the Evil Mastermind until the psychic called me all frantic.

I finally found out the psychics name. It is Ruby. That is all she will tell me. No last name. No middle name. I am not even sure if it is her real name but she goes by Ruby. Fine. Something to actually call her by instead of ‘hey you’.

I know how hard it is to go ‘undercover’. My editor refused to let me go like some of the other journalists do. She said I was to notorious for an undercover mission so she sent in an assistant who still doesn’t have any column of his own. She thinks it is better this way, but she really doesn’t get Miss Nose does she? I decided that I would get myself invited to some premiere parties. CHA CHING! I found several of the Evil Mastermind’s companies have art, fashion, and the type of entertainment that I can use in my articles like the ballet. I found being undercover wasn’t that hard at all. I was blending in nicely and learning quite a bit about the Evil Mastermind and his operation.

Sunday

It was a gorgeous day for just lounging around. I was getting all my work caught up and writing up an article on an art exhibit thrown for charity by the Evil Mastermind. The art charity exhibit was looking like this:

The community came together on Friday February 27 for an art exhibit for the Children’s Hospital and St. Joseph’s Soup Kitchen at the beautiful Bonifas Fine Arts Center. The night was a beautiful night with a full moon illuminating the Bonifas Fine Arts Center. It was a great night for a wonderful party.

The function was hosted by Joe Macaw. The local artists featured for the charity event included Cat Fissco, Mr. Biggie Chun, King, and our local Fredya Half. The even made over 3 million dollars for the charities involve. Local talent came out in festive numbers. Ann Miclaire wore a stunning Meow dress which sparkled in the moonlight. Meow himself even made an appearance buying a Cat Fissco. The community showed great support for the soup kitchen by including a meal. All drinks and dinner plates ordered were given to St. Joseph’s Soup Kitchen. The buy in was $50 per plate with drinks costing $2 per glass. The night was a beautiful night with a full moon illuminating the Bonifas Fine Arts Center.

I was working in the pictures and adding comments about each one when Ruby called me. I had a picture in my hand when I picked up the receiver and said, “Hello.” The picture was of The Evil Mastermind giving the $3,980,000 check to the heads of the charities. Harry McLairy was behind the Evil Mastermind making rabbit ears. Next to him was someone I didn’t expect to see at all. It was none other than Felix Santago. Felix Santago is the head of a drug cartel out of Cuba. Fancy meeting him at an event like this. I was staring at the picture so intently when I heard Ruby say, “ Are you there? Are you listening to me? Hello!” I snapped back quickly. “Sorry Ruby. What do you need?” “ I was trying to tell you the vision I had of the Evil Mastermind. He was scaling a building and there was fire all around him. I have no idea what it all means, but he was trying to get away from the fire. I also got a call from someone saying they know who killed Mr. Chin.” Now my ears perked up. I started to think to myself.

Monday

After a pot of coffee, I made my way to the office. I just had to talk to Tillie. I needed to find out who was in charge of Mr. Chin’s homicide. The answer was there somewhere. Whether in the autopsy or in the police file. I took the elevator up to the 5th floor and waltzed right over to Tillie’s desk. “Tillie, do you know who is in charge of Mr. Chin’s homicide?” “And a good morning to you too, Miss Nose!” “Sorry Tillie. Good morning, Tillie. Now spill.” “It wasn’t obvious from my news article? It is the same two detectives. Lieutenants Clyde Barker and Bonnie Chihound. They still have the case and are hopping mad. They wanted it to go to the new dick on the force. The new detective is Joseph ‘Joe’ Hopper and is he good.” “Huh. I was sure they would pass it off to someone wanting to make a name for themselves.” “Me too, but they didn’t. Bonnie doesn’t play politics so they are giving the dynamic duo the jobs no one else wants or are unsolvable to teach her a lesson.”

I hurried off to my desk. I figured I could call the police station and talk to Clyde at least. No such luck there. Apparently the dynamic duo refuse to talk to anyone, no matter what. That would mean I needed to figure out a plan and fast. I needed to know what happened to Mr. Chin. I know they have to be getting an autopsy done. Something that will tell me what is going on. I am certain the Evil Mastermind had Mr. Chin taken out. I just had to prove it.

I spent my work hours looking for events where I could go undercover. I had to get the information on the Evil Mastermind and his minions. There is so much that the Evil Mastermind is involved in. I have been looking for a chance to speak with him or even interview him about something. I know there is more and I knew I should talk to the minions again. Besides, I really love their cooking. They make the best pies, cakes, muffins, and bread. I am trying to talk the hens in going legit. I want the to have their own store so bad that I thought of buying a building for them.

I saw a chance for the new hospital. They were going to hold a fundraiser event for a new cancer wing. This included anyone willing to donate hair, cancer hats, and anything else they could use. This was the kind of stuff the Evil Mastermind loves. He so enjoys having his picture taken at events. I was thinking I could get a wonderful interview out of this. The Evil Mastermind will want to be a part of my column, I am sure of it. I ran over to my editor.
“I want this assignment!” I scream with a squeal at her. “Really, Miss Nose, do you have to make that sound? It hurts my ears and why would you want a charity event for a hospital?” “To cover the evening wear of course and to get interviews for my column. I have some excellent ideas on what to ask each person.” “Really? Well Nathan wants to cover it for the medical news.” I give her my most excellent puppy dog eyes. “Let me talk to Nathan. Maybe you can both go and get some great news for the paper.” I squealed again. I really can’t contain my excitement. I wandered back to my desk and started preparing the questions I would need to ask and I was trying to figure out how to sneak in the information I would need to know what they were planning next. I had to make it all innocent.

I was getting up heading to the coffee machine when my phone rang. I usually don’t get calls so I was a bit in shock. “Miss Nose News Desk, Miss Nose speaking.” I said into the receiver. “Hello Miss Nose, I have got to say how much my wife and I love your advice column. I got the message you called. This is Lieutenant Clyde Barker, by the way. Lieutenant Chihound hates it when anyone wants to talk about a case, but I really wanted to talk to you.” “Really? Are you have relationship problems, Lieutenant Barker?” I asked coyly. “No. The Mrs. and I are good. I was calling back because the desk sargent said you had some questions about my latest case. Tillie didn’t seem to interested in our murder.” “I am. I was wondering what Mr. Chin was wearing when he died. Do you have the photos from the scene? I heard he was having problems with his wife. Any idea if they were having relationship problems?” “Really? That is all you’re looking for? What he was wearing and any dish on his relationship with his wife? Hmm. I suppose we can make some time for you to look at the photos and see what you can use. It is better than what the other reporters are looking for.” “What are the others looking for?” I asked him point blank. “The usual. What the autopsy says, what was the murder weapon, what was the manner of death. Just the usual every murder news hound wants.” I thanked Detective Lieutenant Barker for his time and hung up with a date to meet him and his partner to go through the photos for my ‘article’.

I must have been floating to the coffee pot because all the other reporters were looking at me funny. Finally, Tillie couldn’t take it anymore and said, “Who just called you and why are you so happy?” “That was Lieutenant Barker and I get to look at the crime scene photos!” I squealed at her. Tillie and several of the other reporters dropped their jaws and started to drool. “I have been trying to get them to give me details about the murder since it happened.” said Mark. “And they keep telling me NO. How do you rate, MISS NOSE!” “Because I AM MISS NOSE!” I shot back to Mark. Then I floated back to my desk so I could grab my work and head home for the day to work on questions for all the event and the cops I am going to see.

Tuesday

I had to be up early. Bonnie and Clyde wanted me at the station for 7 a.m. I was going to see the pictures every reporter was dying to see. I was going to finally get a look and maybe find out more about the Evil Mastermind and his operations. I knew the Evil Mastermind was up to something big and that Mr. Chin must have gotten in his way. The morning was beautiful and I was enjoying the blue and purple sky turning into a red and orange sky. It was so wonderful to watch the sun rise. I drove down to the park to watch the sun rise over Lake Michigan in all its glory. I was so lost in the moment, drinking my coffee, and meditating that I almost forgot I had to get to the police station. I headed back downtown. I got to the station at the same time as Bonnie and Clyde. Clyde held the door open for me. “So glad you could make it.” he smiled toothly. “I sure am excited to me you.” “Thank you for inviting me.” I smiled back at him and winked. “I have some great ideas for my article. Is there anything you or your partner would like to me to cover in addition to what I want.” “I don’t think so.” Bonnie said it quizzly like she wasn’t really sure. “Well, let me know. I am envied right now by the others and they have a ton of questions, but I just want to know what Mr. Chin was wearing when he died.” “That is very interesting Miss Nose.” said Bonnie, “What good is that? Why would you want to know?” “Because he was a pillar of the community, wealthy, and I write a fashion column. It is important for my readers to know if he went out in a Chamar Catili or some thing off the thrift rack.” “Wow.” said Bonnie. “That is weird. You have very freaky readers. That is interesting though. I never had a reporter ask me what they were wearing before. You are the first.”

I was happy I was getting Bonnie curious enough and I was disguising my true reason for looking at those photos. I was hoping to get in a private room and take pictures of them for Ruby. “I just know there is something in them that will tell us exactly what happened. “ Ruby told me on the phone the night before. “I thought you were psychic and could tell what is there without the pictures?” I said to her. “I sometimes need something to hold or look at just to get a vision. It isn’t like a tv where you can turn it on and off you know.”

What luck I had when Bonnie took me to the room. She was really nice to me and brought in the photos. My only problem, she sat there with me. So I started to look at the photos. Mr. Chin was in an off beat type of outfit. I looked at Bonnie all weird and said, “Was he going golfing?” “What?” she looked at me quizzically. “What do you mean?” “Look at his outfit. Who wears big boxed plaid pants? One box white, one red, one black. Then a striped shirt. No one would be seen dead like this!” Then I threw my paw over my mouth since I remembered he was dead and dressed like that. Bonnie blinked at me. “Come with me.” she said to me.

Bonnie led me to the basement and signed us into an area. We walked through the door and past the guard, through another door, and into a room that had tons of metal shelves. “Where are we?” I asked her. “This is our evidence room.” I followed her to an area and she climbed up to the third from the top shelf. She pulled down a box and I grabbed it from her. She came down, took the box from me, and started walking down the aisle. I walked behind her. She stopped and turned right. When I turned with her, I saw a table. She placed the box on the table and opened it. Inside was the clothing and other items of Mr. Chin. “Something disturbed me about that crime scene.” she told me. “I suppose so since he was dressed like he was golfing.” I said to her looking at my nails so I wouldn’t look too interested in the box. Bonnie just looked at me funny and raised her eyebrows. “I told Clyde that I thought he was killed elsewhere and placed there.” “Why didn’t they just burn the building then?” I asked her. “I don’t know. I don’t think I would if I wanted to get out of there fast.” “Who said it was fast? I would just take my time and burn the place.” I said to her in my most disinterested way. Bonnie looked really intrigued with me. “Why do you call this outfit, golfing?” she said to me while looking at me seriously. “Haven’t you ever been golfing?” I looked at her puzzled. I was hoping she knew but was joking with me. “I have been to all those golfing events and let me tell you the fashion there, well, it isn’t there. Let’s just say, it takes some getting used to. I suppose since it is a Scottish game that the plaid pants are men’s idea of a kilt. Who knows why they think it is better to be gaudy than look good.?” Bonnie looked at me like I was the freak. I thought any woman who didn’t understand fashion was the freak and a weirdo. Bonnie shook her head and blinked a couple of times. “Wait! Let me get this straight.” She paused for just a moment as if collecting her thoughts and double thinking if she really wanted to ask what she asked me anyway. “He wouldn’t wear this to the office, would he? Only to the golf course. Not out in public. Not on a late night call, but only if he was at the golf course playing golf. Right? Only while playing golf and not for anything else?” She kept looking at me like I held all the answers so I said to her, “Yes. Only to a golfing event of some sort at the golf course. He wouldn’t wear them anywhere else but golfing.” She blinked at me again and again. Her mouth fell open. Then Bonnie stated, “I need to take these clothes to the lab and have them run them for any type of dirt or grass or something from a golf club. I think he was moved and I need to find the trace evidence proving it.” She took out the clothes and put the lid back on the box. “Come on Miss Nose. I will buy you whatever coffee you want. I owe you.” Then Bonnie turned on her PayPound high heel to face me and said, “Plus, any thing. ANY THING. YOU. Want to know about this case. I will give you personally. I will give you any exclusive you want for your column.” I know my eyes went wide, my turn to have my mouth fly open. “Thank you Bonnie.” I stammered. I couldn’t believe it. I was going to get the best and possibly a headline article because I knew fashion enough to help with her case.

Tuesday Night

I called Ruby to give her the update on what transpired at the police station. I was listening to the scanner as Ruby and I were looking for more possible events to get near the Evil Mastermind. I told Ruby that my editor finally gave me the go ahead for Saturday. That is the day they are having a charity event for the cancer ward of the new hospital being built. I could hardly believe it when we heard it on the scanner. I actually dropped the phone.

Unit 9, Unit 9 go to 912 Charlotte Avenue 912 Charlotte Avenue. We have a fire in process. Fire in process. Fire trucks 11, 15, 29, and 41 are en route. There are people still trapped. All Units respond. All Units head to 912 Charlotte Avenue. People are still trapped with a fire in process.

912 Charlotte Avenue is Big Joe’s Seeds and Pits. That is the Evil Mastermind’s building. The restaurant is on the bottom floor. He and the others live at the top. I was shocked. Ruby’s prediction was coming true.

Join us again on The Evil Joe Files where we will learn the fate of the Evil Mastermind and his minions.

The Evil Joe Files – Miss Nose Meets a Psychic

STARRING

101_2021

JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

101_1987

101_1982

BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

101_2022

101_1983

PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

101_2013

DSCF0540

THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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wp-1455462779207.jpeg

AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

This time on The Evil Joe Files:

The Minions find a corn shop and decide to break out on their own without The Evil Mastermind.

Miss Nose meets a psychic.

Friday

I was writing up my advice column when Mrs. Coffee, my editor in chief, came over to my desk with a huge latte. My suspicions are up as soon as I see her coming across the floor and the smell of my favorite latte can mean only one thing. She wants me to do something I am not going to want to do. My suspicions are soon confronted with my editor’s next words as she reached my desk. “The Minions called. They decided to do a job on their own and are now wanting to talk to YOU.”

“ME!” I couldn’t tell what she was up to but I can bet nothing good. She gave me an address which turned out to be an abandoned building once used as a brewery.

The Minions offered me a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I declined and asked if they had coffee. “Negative.” said Zippy. “We don’t drink that shit at all. We like the real sugar-water made by Pepsi-Cola.”

I rolled my eyes and thought to myself,’figures!’ The Minions could tell I was agitated by them. “Why did you call me? Why am I here?”

“We decided to do a job on our own. And you will never believe what we saw there.” said Nineteen. Nineteen is a very beautiful red hen and very sophisticated. She may be the last numbered hen but she is the leader that is for sure. “Look” said Roger, “ we were there minding our own business and planning a caper when we discovered something in the vault.” Fifteen offered me some pie. I waved my hand no to her and backed slightly away. I really am not in the mood to eat anything from their lair. “We are really great cooks.” she said looking at me sadly as if I offended her. I could tell from her face that she wanted me to have some pie. Finally, I couldn’t take her looking at me like that anymore so I said, “Fine. Give me a piece of pie!” Fifteen sliced me a piece and put it neatly on a plate with a scoop of chocolate ice cream. She then put whipped cream on top with sprinkles and a cherry. I took a bite and to my amazement, it was the best damn piece of pie I ever ate! I was trying really hard to keep a piece in my mouth because I wanted to ask Rodney a question after he said,”We met this cat down there and she said we were going to work with you on a major case!” How do you get out, ‘what major case?’ and ‘what is the cat’s name?’ when you have pie shoved in your mouth? I tried to ask but pie went flying out as I tried to speak. I resigned myself to just finishing my piece of pie and then I could ask my questions.

That pie is gone now so off to my questions I ask these Minions. I asked the two vital questions I wanted to ask when my mouth was filled with the most mouth-watering piece of pie I have ever tasted. Why these hens don’t open a bakery is beyond me? Anyway, back to my questions.

“What is this major crime we are going to work on?” I asked the Minions. “And what is this cat’s name? By the way, why is it you don’t open a bakery? That pie was amazing!”

“We were there and this cat, she kept saying, we were to go back to our hangout, call Miss Nose. “ “Wait a minute!” I said, “ Tell me this story from the very beginning. Like from the moment you woke up.” Raymond started once again, “We got up at 3 am like usual. All of us guys started crowing and the hens got up. They started laying eggs and cooking them up for us. We started to formulate what kind of job we were going to do. We have been discussing this for the past week but today was the day we were going to actually do it. We were going over the plan. Who would be where and when. What time the truck would show up. What the guards would be doing. The whole thing. We watched this truck for over a month and we knew exactly what they did.” Raymond walked over to a white flip board that had a peg board on the back. When he turned it over, the peg board had a ton of pictures on it. I could see they were meticulously planning this heist. They even had a schedule of all the officers for the armored truck, the time when it hit each establishment, and what days of the week it had the most money. I listened intently to their spiel and got what information these bird brains could remember.

Saturday

I went to where the Minions where casing to see what they were trying to heist. Amazingly the place and armored vehicle went to a corn meal shop. I rolled my eyes. I am not sure if they are robbing the joint of cornmeal or for money. Crazy chickens! I watched nearly all day and even found a new coffee shop across the street from the cornmeal establishment. I purchased a large mocha white chocolate coffee! That was so yum! It made me purr. I kept watch for this so-called cat that stated we would be working on the same case. Where was she? I had no clue if what the minions told me was true or not. They spend so much time with The Evil Mastermind, Evil Cockatoo, and the Mad Scientist. They could be coo coo for all I know. I decided to finally give up and I went home to write-up my articles I needed done for Monday’s paper. I have three advice questions and a fashion show to cover. All for Monday.

I was drained from my all day stake out of the minions heist area. I had taken a bunch of photos of the day as well. I took out my sd card and popped it into my slot on the computer. I will deal with those photos later, I thought as the notification came up asking what I want to do with the sd card. I needed to get my column done. It didn’t take me long to get a great draft done for my editor. I took the stories I had written and emailed them off to the editor for final proof. My editor was actually an English teacher before she retired and let me tell you, she is hell on wheels about all my grammar. Don’t put one period or comma out of place with her. She is tough. One time I had a spelling mistake and she was on me for three days with spelling tests.

That’s when the call came through. It was one of the hens, Rosita, with news. Seems that cat returned and actually found the abandoned building they were shacked up in. Apparently she even took Zippy hostage and wants me to negotiate for his safe return. I rolled my eyes. I guess this is my major case! I get the number from “Rosita” and call it.

Finally, you acknowledge me.” said some freaky voice on the other end. She sound like a bad psychic on a horror movie. Bella LaGoosey she wasn’t. “I told the minions you would be working with me and them on a major case.” “Yeah right, okay then. Can you just speak normal?” “Oh my.” she said dropping the goofy accent. “I can see there is no mystery with you.” “Really?” I offered up no surprise in my voice. “Why don’t you just send Zippy home? The hens have enough to worry about without you adding to it.” “Well, I guess but I need to share a vision with you. Will you at least come down to Mitten’s Bar and Grill for a cup of tea with me?” “Sure, as soon as they call and say Zippy is home.” “Done.”

Two hours later I got the call that Zippy was home and the psychic wanted me at Mitten’s for 6. I will never get these articles done.

6pm Saturday

I got to Mitten’s at 5:45 sat at the bar and waited. No cat seemed out of the ordinary to me until she walked in. I rolled my eyes at that getup. She walked right pass me and found some young man to sit next to. Then I see a cat by the window. Dressed in a normal business suit get up and walk to the bar. I wondered if this was her. Nope. I certainly wasn’t going to wait all day for this dame.

It was 6:30 before my cellphone rang. It was the psychic. “Meet me in the alley” was all I heard then click. I went out to the alley. There was a white cat all dirty and bloody. She had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. Her long hair was matted. There was blood coming from wounds some from her face and others from different parts of her body. “What the hell happened to you? Did the minions do this?” I was so shocked at the sight of her. I was sure someone did this. “No. Not the minions. A cat who is more evil than the Evil Mastermind. As a matter of fact, he works for the Evil Mastermind. They call him the Shadow Killer. He is huge and pure black! And he knows how to make you say what he wants to hear.” She started to cry. I started thinking whatever this major case is this must be the start of it so I asked her, ‘Tell me. What is the major case I am supposed to be helping you and the minions on?’ “They found the Shadow Killer’s vault in the corn shop they were going to hold up. That vault holds all his weapons and torture equipment. He is the Evil Mastermind’s bully. But what the Evil Mastermind doesn’t know is, the Shadow Killer wants him dead so he can take over. I need you to stop him. If he comes into power, we are all dead.” “Why don’t you just go to the police?” then it hit me as soon as the words flew from my mouth. I knew the answer. The cops all work for the Evil Mastermind and they weren’t going to cross the Shadow Killer if he works for the Evil Mastermind. Then I said, ‘never mind I know. What can I do to help?’ “We need to expose him. We need pictures and a taped confession. We need something to bring to the Chief of Police who will take it to the Evil Mastermind. Proof. We need proof.”

With that. I knew this was going to take a while. I will have to go undercover and talk to my editor. Damn. Sometimes I hate being a reporter. Why can’t I just stay with fashion and advice?

The Evil Joe Files

STARRING

 

 

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JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

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BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!

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PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!

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THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!

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AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!

It was 5 o’clock and time for me to head home when my editor came up to me. “Heard on the scanner. They are after The Evil Mastermind again. Apparently, he just knocked over a Brink’s truck walking away with over 10 million in cold hard cash.” ‘Wonderful’, I thought and rolled my eyes at her. “Hey, don’t get flippy with me kid. I am just letting you know so you can become a famous news person.”

Since our crime reporter left to have puppies, they have saddled me with her job! Not what I want to be talking about at all. Crime is boring. This is no way for any professional cat to make a living. I enjoy fashion and events where I can write about how hideous all the people looked when they came to the event. This is something entirely different. This is walking around in blood, capturing interviews with police, and the most boring of all just reporting that some stupid criminal did something. I have no idea why we give them airtime. I think if we reduce their airtime then they won’t be out there committing crimes.

I have no choice but to leave my advice column I am trying to get off the ground in this magazine and run down to the basement where the geeks live. All the way down there just to get an address and possible names of cops I need to bribe with doughnuts and coffee.

I take the information from the nerds in the hole, get what I need from my desk, and then off I go in my car. All this to get information on some crazy parrot and his criminal conspirators. This gang of birds might as well be the mafia. They are the crime in this city. I bet if they were gone, we would be crime free.

Finally, I arrived at the police station. I had to stop and talk to Donna at the Doughnut King. She knows exactly what coffee and doughnuts these particular officers love. I have to spend my awesome money just to get interviews from these dogs. As usual, I walk in with a box and drink carrier right up to the desk sargent.

“Well hellloooo Miss Nose!” I hate his sing songy voice. “How is the news treating you today?”

“Horribly, since I am here today for Tillie and not writing my advice and fashion columns.”

“It can’t be that bad. Why not write an article on our great fashion. We have these beautiful dark blue uniforms made of polyester. They make us sweat wonderfully. They aren’t easy to move in either.”

“Definitely not as great as scrubs. I was at the hospital two nights ago on that stabbing. The desk nurse told me the same thing as you. Are you two married or something?”

“I don’t think so? What was her name? Maybe.”

“You should know if your wife is a nurse.” I said to him and put on my biggest, toothiest smile.  “I need to talk to these officers.” I handed him the list from the geek squad.

“Ah. Hold on. I will get you an escort. I have to call up first and see if they are available. I will let them know you have their ‘request’ and it is getting cold. That will help to get you some free time.”

“Thanks much Sargent Hands.” I wagged my tail a bit for that old dog. He is good to me. Tillie tells me he is hard to please and she has to really beg for him to help her get the interviews. I don’t have this problem with any of the dog patrol.

I got up to the third floor in time for the doggies to rope me in. They surrounded me for their treats. Their tails wagging for the coffee and doughnuts they love so much.

“I need to know everything you know about The Evil Mastermind’s lastest caper.”

“Well now, we can’t give you everything since we have to hold back something so we can identify the stoolie.”

“The ‘stoolie’? Don’t you mean the suspect? I think you have been reading too many of those old gangster mags. Hold back whatever you like. Just tell me what they were wearing and the other crap that crime readers like.”

Big Dog Sargent or Lieutenant Homer gave me a detailed description of the crazy birds and some details to keep the crime nutters happy.  My article that day read like this:

Monday

The day was bright with sunshine and the flowers were giving off an aromatic scent when these birds flew the coop for the crime of the century.  I nearly choked on my coffee as the dogs down at 1PD told me all about it.

A heist was committed by poorly dressed criminals of the underworld. These unfashionable bunch of numpties think they are masterminds of the criminal underground and align themselves with The Evil Mastermind should really consider taking a class in fashion. They wore all black and polyester to conceal themselves. What a fashion faux pas. They decided that 8 am was a great time of day to rip off an armoured truck. They took a small pipe bomb and used it to blow the door.

The suspects got away with over 10 million dollars and various bonds. With what they are wearing, this crime reporter believes they should be cited for bad taste in fashion. Their shoes were bad pop up shop knock offs. They definitely didn’t want anyone knowing what they truly love to wear.

This crime reporter can tell you that ready to wear is not what you should be wearing. It is as bad as some people thinking pajamas are an ok idea. That may work in India but we are not all out looking for enlightenment. You would be better off looking for Carmena Bengal’s new line.  It is intuitive and all the rage for the industrial chic.

They did manage to injure one of the guards. The other was cowering in a corner with blood on his, need I say it, polyester/wool blend uniform. It isn’t the best looking uniform I have ever seen. It could use some modern sprucing maybe with a warm color or an illumination on something better.

They took a young teller wearing yoga pants, a man’s formal shirt, and tennis shoes hostage. Why? I can’t figure. That is the worse idea of fashion I have ever heard. I would have taken the woman wearing Merle Ragdoll’s lastest fox cloak. She also had a handbag made by Wong Siam. But NOOOO they go for the “ready to wear” woman. Do you see me rolling my eyes?

I know Tillie would have a much better crime article for you once she has the puppies. Until Tillie comes back, have a week filled with silk.

I know not really what the crime buggies want but what do you expect when you give that column to the fashion/advice person. Here is some advice, don’t!

I worked hard, all day on that article, well actually only like 2 hours from interview to finished, and then went onto my real column. I had to finish my advice to “loved like a dog”.

Meanwhile, The Evil Mastermind, his evil sidekick Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist were together eating a meal at Big Joe’s Seed and Pits. They were eating salad, cracking walnuts, and drinking coffee. Plus working on taking over the world.

“I don’t like that idea.” said The Evil Mastermind while taking a drink of his coffee. “You can come up with better. As my sidekick I would suggest you do.”

“I thought it was a great idea.” said the Evil Cockatoo. “I think taking over a social site and convincing everyone to stay on it day and night would be wonderful for us.”

“And how does that help us take over the world?” asked The Evil Mastermind pinpointing his pupils at the Evil Cockatoo. “People are too busy to stay on a social network all day. How would they make money? How would they see their friends? This is not acceptable.”

” I agree. How about a vaccine that poisons their system and they have to pay for it? We can make them believe they have to have it to stay healthy. We can get rich off of our poison.”

“You are as nuts as Evil Cockatoo. Who in their right mind would buy poison thinking it would keep them healthy? I am thinking about running for President and then enacting a bill making me supreme ruler of the world.”

“Oh that is a good one boss.” Evil Cockatoo and Mad Scientist said simultaneously. “Now put your heads together, do the research, and tell me how to make this happen.”

 

This concludes our first episode. Stay tune for more Evil Joe Files. Next time, the minions will take over a corn shop.