*Another revision. The original is here.*
Our first episode of The Evil Joe Files!
Tillie is off having puppies and Miss Nose is now the local crime reporter
JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!
BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!
PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!
THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!
AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING
NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!
It was 5 o’clock and time for me to head home when my editor came up to me. “Heard on the scanner, they are after The Evil Mastermind again. Apparently, he just knocked over a Brink’s truck walking away with over 10 million in cold hard cash.”
Wonderful, I thought and rolled my eyes at her.
“Hey, don’t get flippy with me kid. I am just letting you know so you can become a famous news person.”
“Are they sure it was The Evil Mastermind himself or his Minions? I don’t quite see him getting his wings dirty!”
My editor turned around quite fast and glared at me, “All I know is the scanner said it was The Evil Mastermind and the police are going to talk to him.”
“He owns the Chief of Police. I just don’t see how.” I stopped as her hawk eyes narrowed on me.
Since our crime reporter left to have puppies, they have saddled me with her job! Not what I want to be talking about at all! Crime is boring to me. This is no way for any professional cat to make a living. I enjoy fashion and events where I can write about how hideous all the people looked in their gaudy attire. .
This is something entirely different. This is walking around in blood, capturing interviews with police, and the most boring of all just reporting that some stupid criminal did something. I have no idea why we give them airtime. I think if we reduce their airtime then they won’t be out there committing crimes.
I have no choice but to leave my advice column, I am trying to make a daily post in our newspaper, Escanaba Morning Express, and run down to the basement where the geeks live. All the way down there just to get an address and possible names of cops I need to bribe with doughnuts and coffee.
I take the information from the nerds in the hole, get what I need from my desk, and then off I go in my car. All this to get information on some crazy parrot and his criminal conspirators. This gang of birds might as well be the mafia. They are the crime in this city. I bet if they were gone, we would be crime free.
Finally, I arrived at the police station. I had to stop and talk to Donna at the Doughnut King. She knows exactly what coffee and doughnuts these particular officers love. I have to spend my awesome money just to get interviews from these dogs. As usual, I walk in with a box and drink carrier right up to the Desk Sargent.
“Well hellloooo Miss Nose!” I hate his sing songy voice. “How is the news treating you today?”
“Horribly, since I am here today for Tillie and not writing my advice and fashion columns.”
“It can’t be that bad. Why not write an article on our great fashion. We have these beautiful dark blue uniforms made of polyester. They make us sweat wonderfully. They aren’t easy to move in either.”
“Definitely not as great as scrubs. I was at the hospital two nights ago on that stabbing. The desk nurse told me the same thing as you. Are you two married or something?”
“I don’t think so? What was her name? Maybe.”
“You should know if your wife is a nurse.” I said to him and put on my biggest, toothiest smile. “I need to talk to these officers.” I handed him the list from the geek squad.
“Ah. Hold on. I will get you an escort. I have to call up first and see if they are available. I will let them know you have their ‘request’ and it is getting cold. That will help to get you some free time.”
“Thanks much Sargent Hands.” I wagged my tail a bit for that old dog. He is good to me. Tillie tells me he is hard to please and she has to really beg for him to help her get the interviews. I don’t have this problem with any of the dog patrol.
I got up to the third floor in time for the doggies to rope me in. They surrounded me for their treats. Their tails wagging for the coffee and doughnuts they love so much.
“I need to know everything you know about The Evil Mastermind’s latest caper.”
“Well now, we can’t give you everything since we have to hold back something so we can identify the stoolie.”
“The ‘stoolie’? Don’t you mean the suspect? I think you have been reading too many of those old gangster mags. Hold back whatever you like. Just tell me what they were wearing and the other crap that crime readers like.”
Big Dog Sargent or Lieutenant Homer gave me a detailed description of the crazy birds and some details to keep the crime nutters happy. My article that day read like this:
Poorly Dressed Birds take Ten Million from Brink’s Truck
By Miss Nose
Monday morning 8 a.m.
The day was bright with sunshine and the flowers were giving off an aromatic scent when these birds flew the coop for the crime of the century. I nearly choked on my coffee as the dogs down at EPD told me all about it.
A heist was committed by poorly dressed criminals of the underworld. These unfashionable bunch of numpties think they are masterminds of the criminal underground and align themselves with The Evil Mastermind. This crime reporter thinks they should really consider taking a class in fashion. They wore all black and polyester to conceal themselves. What a fashion faux pas. They decided that 8 a.m. was a great time of day to rip off an armored truck. They took a small pipe bomb and used it to blow the door.
The suspects got away with over 10 million dollars and various bonds. With what they are wearing, this crime reporter believes they should be cited for bad taste in fashion. Their shoes were bad pop up shop knock offs. They definitely didn’t want anyone knowing what they truly love to wear.
This crime reporter can tell you that ready to wear is not what you should be wearing. It is as bad as some people thinking pajamas are an ok idea. That may work in India but we are not all out looking for enlightenment. You would be better off looking for Carmena Bengal’s new line. It is intuitive and all the rage for the industrial chic.
They did manage to injure one of the guards. The other was cowering in a corner with blood on his, need I say it, polyester/wool blend uniform. It isn’t the best looking uniform I have ever seen. It could use some modern sprucing maybe with a warm color or an illumination on something better.
They took a young teller wearing yoga pants, a man’s formal shirt, and tennis shoes hostage. Why? I can’t figure. That is the worse idea of office work attire I have ever heard. I would have taken the woman wearing Merle Ragdoll’s latest fox cloak. She also had a handbag made by Wong Siam. But NOOOO they go for the “ready to wear” woman. Do you see me rolling my eyes?
I know Tillie would have a much better crime article for you once she has the puppies. Until Tillie comes back, you have a week filled with silk.
I know not really what the crime buggies want but what do you expect when you give that column to the fashion/advice person. Here is some advice, don’t!
I worked hard, all day on that article, well actually only like 2 hours from interview to finished, and then went onto my real column. I had to finish my advice to “loved like a dog”.
The Evil Mastermind, The Evil Cockatoo, and The Mad Scientist were together eating a meal at Big Joe’s Seed and Pits. They were eating salad, cracking walnuts, and drinking coffee. Plus working on taking over the world.
“I don’t like that idea.” said The Evil Mastermind while taking a drink of his coffee. “You can come up with better. As my sidekick I would suggest you do.”
“I thought it was a great idea.” said the Evil Cockatoo. “I think taking over a social site and convincing everyone to stay on it day and night would be wonderful for us.”
“And how does that help us take over the world?” asked The Evil Mastermind pinpointing his pupils at The Evil Cockatoo. “People are too busy to stay on a social network all day. How would they make money? How would they see their friends? This is not acceptable.”
“I agree. How about a vaccine that poisons their system and they have to pay for it? We can make them believe they have to have it to stay healthy. We can get rich off of our poison.”
“You are as nuts as The Evil Cockatoo. Who in their right mind would buy poison thinking it would keep them healthy? I am thinking about running for President and then enacting a bill making me supreme ruler of the world.”
“Oh that is a good one boss.” Evil Cockatoo and Mad Scientist said simultaneously. “Now put your heads together, do the research, and tell me how to make this happen.”