JOE AS “THE EVIL MASTERMIND” BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD!
BABY BABY AS THE EVIL MASTERMIND’S EVIL SIDEKICK “EVIL COCKATOO”!
PEPPER AS THE “MAD SCIENTIST”!
THE CHICKENS AS “THE MINIONS”!
AND MISS NOSE AS “THE DARING
NEWS CRIME REPORTER”!
This time on The Evil Joe Files:
The Minions find a corn shop and decide to break out on their own without The Evil Mastermind.
Miss Nose meets a psychic.
I was writing up my advice column when Mrs. Coffee, my editor in chief, came over to my desk with a huge latte. My suspicions are up as soon as I see her coming across the floor and the smell of my favorite latte can mean only one thing. She wants me to do something I am not going to want to do. My suspicions are soon confronted with my editor’s next words as she reached my desk. “The Minions called. They decided to do a job on their own and are now wanting to talk to YOU.”
“ME!” I couldn’t tell what she was up to but I can bet nothing good. She gave me an address which turned out to be an abandoned building once used as a brewery.
The Minions offered me a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I declined and asked if they had coffee. “Negative.” said Zippy. “We don’t drink that shit at all. We like the real sugar-water made by Pepsi-Cola.”
I rolled my eyes and thought to myself,’figures!’ The Minions could tell I was agitated by them. “Why did you call me? Why am I here?”
“We decided to do a job on our own. And you will never believe what we saw there.” said Nineteen. Nineteen is a very beautiful red hen and very sophisticated. She may be the last numbered hen but she is the leader that is for sure. “Look” said Roger, “ we were there minding our own business and planning a caper when we discovered something in the vault.” Fifteen offered me some pie. I waved my hand no to her and backed slightly away. I really am not in the mood to eat anything from their lair. “We are really great cooks.” she said looking at me sadly as if I offended her. I could tell from her face that she wanted me to have some pie. Finally, I couldn’t take her looking at me like that anymore so I said, “Fine. Give me a piece of pie!” Fifteen sliced me a piece and put it neatly on a plate with a scoop of chocolate ice cream. She then put whipped cream on top with sprinkles and a cherry. I took a bite and to my amazement, it was the best damn piece of pie I ever ate! I was trying really hard to keep a piece in my mouth because I wanted to ask Rodney a question after he said,”We met this cat down there and she said we were going to work with you on a major case!” How do you get out, ‘what major case?’ and ‘what is the cat’s name?’ when you have pie shoved in your mouth? I tried to ask but pie went flying out as I tried to speak. I resigned myself to just finishing my piece of pie and then I could ask my questions.
That pie is gone now so off to my questions I ask these Minions. I asked the two vital questions I wanted to ask when my mouth was filled with the most mouth-watering piece of pie I have ever tasted. Why these hens don’t open a bakery is beyond me? Anyway, back to my questions.
“What is this major crime we are going to work on?” I asked the Minions. “And what is this cat’s name? By the way, why is it you don’t open a bakery? That pie was amazing!”
“We were there and this cat, she kept saying, we were to go back to our hangout, call Miss Nose. “ “Wait a minute!” I said, “ Tell me this story from the very beginning. Like from the moment you woke up.” Raymond started once again, “We got up at 3 am like usual. All of us guys started crowing and the hens got up. They started laying eggs and cooking them up for us. We started to formulate what kind of job we were going to do. We have been discussing this for the past week but today was the day we were going to actually do it. We were going over the plan. Who would be where and when. What time the truck would show up. What the guards would be doing. The whole thing. We watched this truck for over a month and we knew exactly what they did.” Raymond walked over to a white flip board that had a peg board on the back. When he turned it over, the peg board had a ton of pictures on it. I could see they were meticulously planning this heist. They even had a schedule of all the officers for the armored truck, the time when it hit each establishment, and what days of the week it had the most money. I listened intently to their spiel and got what information these bird brains could remember.
I went to where the Minions where casing to see what they were trying to heist. Amazingly the place and armored vehicle went to a corn meal shop. I rolled my eyes. I am not sure if they are robbing the joint of cornmeal or for money. Crazy chickens! I watched nearly all day and even found a new coffee shop across the street from the cornmeal establishment. I purchased a large mocha white chocolate coffee! That was so yum! It made me purr. I kept watch for this so-called cat that stated we would be working on the same case. Where was she? I had no clue if what the minions told me was true or not. They spend so much time with The Evil Mastermind, Evil Cockatoo, and the Mad Scientist. They could be coo coo for all I know. I decided to finally give up and I went home to write-up my articles I needed done for Monday’s paper. I have three advice questions and a fashion show to cover. All for Monday.
I was drained from my all day stake out of the minions heist area. I had taken a bunch of photos of the day as well. I took out my sd card and popped it into my slot on the computer. I will deal with those photos later, I thought as the notification came up asking what I want to do with the sd card. I needed to get my column done. It didn’t take me long to get a great draft done for my editor. I took the stories I had written and emailed them off to the editor for final proof. My editor was actually an English teacher before she retired and let me tell you, she is hell on wheels about all my grammar. Don’t put one period or comma out of place with her. She is tough. One time I had a spelling mistake and she was on me for three days with spelling tests.
That’s when the call came through. It was one of the hens, Rosita, with news. Seems that cat returned and actually found the abandoned building they were shacked up in. Apparently she even took Zippy hostage and wants me to negotiate for his safe return. I rolled my eyes. I guess this is my major case! I get the number from “Rosita” and call it.
“Finally, you acknowledge me.” said some freaky voice on the other end. She sound like a bad psychic on a horror movie. Bella LaGoosey she wasn’t. “I told the minions you would be working with me and them on a major case.” “Yeah right, okay then. Can you just speak normal?” “Oh my.” she said dropping the goofy accent. “I can see there is no mystery with you.” “Really?” I offered up no surprise in my voice. “Why don’t you just send Zippy home? The hens have enough to worry about without you adding to it.” “Well, I guess but I need to share a vision with you. Will you at least come down to Mitten’s Bar and Grill for a cup of tea with me?” “Sure, as soon as they call and say Zippy is home.” “Done.”
Two hours later I got the call that Zippy was home and the psychic wanted me at Mitten’s for 6. I will never get these articles done.
I got to Mitten’s at 5:45 sat at the bar and waited. No cat seemed out of the ordinary to me until she walked in. I rolled my eyes at that getup. She walked right pass me and found some young man to sit next to. Then I see a cat by the window. Dressed in a normal business suit get up and walk to the bar. I wondered if this was her. Nope. I certainly wasn’t going to wait all day for this dame.
It was 6:30 before my cellphone rang. It was the psychic. “Meet me in the alley” was all I heard then click. I went out to the alley. There was a white cat all dirty and bloody. She had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. Her long hair was matted. There was blood coming from wounds some from her face and others from different parts of her body. “What the hell happened to you? Did the minions do this?” I was so shocked at the sight of her. I was sure someone did this. “No. Not the minions. A cat who is more evil than the Evil Mastermind. As a matter of fact, he works for the Evil Mastermind. They call him the Shadow Killer. He is huge and pure black! And he knows how to make you say what he wants to hear.” She started to cry. I started thinking whatever this major case is this must be the start of it so I asked her, ‘Tell me. What is the major case I am supposed to be helping you and the minions on?’ “They found the Shadow Killer’s vault in the corn shop they were going to hold up. That vault holds all his weapons and torture equipment. He is the Evil Mastermind’s bully. But what the Evil Mastermind doesn’t know is, the Shadow Killer wants him dead so he can take over. I need you to stop him. If he comes into power, we are all dead.” “Why don’t you just go to the police?” then it hit me as soon as the words flew from my mouth. I knew the answer. The cops all work for the Evil Mastermind and they weren’t going to cross the Shadow Killer if he works for the Evil Mastermind. Then I said, ‘never mind I know. What can I do to help?’ “We need to expose him. We need pictures and a taped confession. We need something to bring to the Chief of Police who will take it to the Evil Mastermind. Proof. We need proof.”
With that. I knew this was going to take a while. I will have to go undercover and talk to my editor. Damn. Sometimes I hate being a reporter. Why can’t I just stay with fashion and advice?