Memoir of Lillian Sarah Beseau

The brisk, cold air of winter filled my lungs as I walked out of the door into some freedom for the day. I got up early so all my chores would be done by 8 am. I promised my best friend Gertie I would be at the ice rink early today. My mother wasn’t going to allow me to leave but my dad got between us and said I could go.
I dressed warmly since last night we ended up with over 6 inches of fresh snow. I throw my ice skates over my shoulder and walk out our front door into the icy winter air. The ice rink is over a mile from my house maybe even two miles. It is a long walk to get there but so worth it.
I think of skating all the way to the rink. I love to twirl and twirl in circles. I love to hold my leg straight out and spin around the ice. We all show off our moves out there. I secretly hope a boy I like will be there so I can ice dance with him again. Waltzing on ice is not as easy as some think.
It is cold walking to the rink but I love looking at the way ice forms on the trees. It is so pretty. It looks like a Christmas card. The brilliance of the ice and the shapes it creates on the branches are like fancy art. I like seeing my breath coming out of my mouth like smoke. It is so cold my breath is freezing on my walk to the ice rink. I can’t wait to see Gertie. I can’t wait to talk to her.
I finally arrive. It has been a long walk. I sit on a snow bank and remove my warm boots. Good thing I have wool socks. I put on my ice skates and lace them up high. You need to make sure your laces are tight before you get on the rink. I notice Gertie talking to a boy.
She turns around and then notices me lacing up my skate. “Come on. Let’s go. You are so slow today.” she says to me with that smile of hers. “I’m getting it. Hold on.” I get it laced up tight and out to the ice I go. Gertie and I skate around the rink, hold hands, and spin. It is so much fun. We twirl in circles going faster and faster on one foot. It is like ballet dancing and we both pretend we are ballerinas.
Then Gertie looks to the side of the rink. “Oh no Lil. You are never going to believe who showed up.” “Who?” “Don’t look.” “Who?” I said getting angrier. ” Oh my, it is Elmer Walsh and his big bear coat.” Gertie starts laughing up a storm. She knows how much Elmer likes me and I like Elmer but I sure don’t want to date him. He always looks funny in his big bear coat and he stutters when he talks. Not saying he isn’t a nice guy but not really my type.
He sees me and skates over to Gertie and I. “Hello Lil. Enjoying sk-sk-skating?” He stutters everything. Gertie and I roll our eyes and giggle. “Yes Elmer we are enjoying skating.” Gertie and I take off on him and skate around the rink several more times. Elmer goes off and talks to other girls. There are a couple of girls who really like him and think he is the greatest, but not me.
Gertie and I both have afternoon chores waiting for us and supper soon. We go over to the snow bank and remove our skates. “Well, maybe I will see you tomorrow.” Gertie says to me. “Maybe. But It won’t be this early. I know my mother will have extra chores for me. My dad step in and she hates it when he does. That means I will have more to do tonight when I get home and tomorrow.” “I hope to see you anyway, Lil.” she says. We walk up to where we have to split to go home, hug, and say our goodbyes.
I take in all the winter beauty as I continue my walk home alone. I dread getting there. I day dream about all the fun I had at the ice rink today. I dream about doing the perfect spin. I dream that I am a ballerina on ice and I have an audience applauding me.  I know mother will have a ton of work for me to do immediately. I will have to get supper on the table because I know mother will be extremely mad. At least for a few hours, I was able to be a free woman with no work.

My Boring Day

The reason I was at my LiveJournal blog is day 14’s assignment. It reminded me of my English class I took while I was going through the hard times in 2009. My husband left me for an 18 year old, and not any 18 year old, but his friend’s daughter. We met her when she was 12 and just 6 years later she destroyed my marriage. I took to college because I was a mess. The emotional turmoil is something I won’t be able to give you right now. It was bad and I needed something to help me stay focused so college it was. I called it My Boring Day since I couldn’t come up with an excellent title. Our job was to write about a day in our life and to take it for the whole 24 hours; then we had to cut it down with help from our classmates. This piece made them all cry and they had a hard time helping me cut it down to the right size.  Without further adieu, here is my English piece that goes perfectly with our Writing 101 assignment!


The alarm rings it is 6 a.m.

I press down on the off button and arise. I look to where you usually are and the memories flood back. I start the coffee and take a shower. I love the smell of fresh brewed coffee.  As I get out of the shower, I call to you. I say out loud, ‘Will you make me a cup?’ Then I remember your gone.

I proceed to wake the girls from their slumber.  As they ready for school, I clean and cook breakfast.  As we ready to leave for the bus, I look at the bed one more time. Normally you would be there. Lying there and smiling pretending to be asleep.

Its 7:15, time to walk down to the bus.  I walk out the door into a morning of orange and pink sky and start walking down the dirt road to the mailboxes where the bus comes. I see them off.  I tell myself with every step back to the house that this is a start to a new day and yesterday doesn’t matter anymore.

It is 7:30. I start cleaning up after the breakfast. At least it’s nothing sticky this time. The girls sure do enjoy maple syrup way too much. I am thinking we need to buy them a farm and I go to say something to you and remember you’re not here.

It is time to do some more cleaning, for it is such a great distraction, and I prepare my first cup of coffee for the day.  I put on some music I like mixture of Duran Duran and several others to clean the house by. I make sure it is upbeat because lately the slow stuff makes me cry.

Kitchen is always the first place to clean for I am already in it. The smell of bleach is always in this house but I swear it is the only way to combat these cats. Who knew 3 female cats could smell so much? They really need to stop going to the bathroom because it smells like something died.  I catch myself several times starting to say something to you, but then I realize you are gone.

I take my cup of coffee and look out the door window. I swear at times I still see you sitting there. You’re not there and I walk to the table to put down my coffee.

I pull the laundry out of the dryer into the basket and walk it back to the bedroom to fold. I leave it at the foot of the bed and go back to pull the laundry from the washer and place it into the dryer.  I go back into the bedroom half expecting most of the clothes folded. They aren’t. They are still at the foot of the bed. There are those feeling again. I fold the clothes and walk back to the table for my coffee. It’s cold now but I drink it anyway.  I finish the whole house by 10 a.m.  Now what?

The phone rings. It’s Laura calling to tell me he has made more threats. “He says he is going to ‘check up’ on the place. We are trying to convince him this is a bad idea.”  She goes on about him and how if he keeps this up we will have to go to a safe house again. I hate those safe houses.  Then she says,’ We are trying to find him a permanent therapist who can make the decision about hospitalizing him or putting him on meds.’ My thoughts are,’ why haven’t you done this yet?’ But I hold my tongue. I should be grateful for just this phone call because she isn’t allowed to tell me anything.  So far all I know is he has a mental illness and that he wants us dead.  Wonderful, I wish I were wealthy.

It’s 10 a.m. I start to read. I am finally on the last book of Harry Potter.  It is such a great distraction, getting into the fantasy of another life. Taking my mind off of what is happening here and now.  I get up to have another cup of coffee.

I do some exercise as if cleaning the house for two and a half hours isn’t enough.  I have to look good now.  Although, I really wish to get fat, because that is what you seem to like.  I keep thinking it would be great to be the little, old, fat woman with all the cats so the children in town can call me crazy. I do research on how to achieve this and find it is caused by loneliness.

Time for more coffee so I prepare another cup. Damn, another fly dies in it. I swear these flies are trying to make my coffee drinking life impossible. I talk to dead flies asking them why they choose to die in my coffee.

I am on the internet anyway, might as well speak to old friends and see what they are doing. Maybe I can get one that lives here in town to go with me for coffee.  No such luck they all have lives.  People are always too busy when someone really needs a distraction from reality.

I look at the television. What the hell? Watching someone else’s problems is a good distraction.  I decide to watch the television.  They are talking about couples breaking up.  I start having thoughts and tears run down my cheeks.

My sister calls. I swear that woman is psychic. She always calls at just the right time. We spend hours talking about her life. How Chris has ballooned to 325 lbs and she won’t have sex with him anymore. How they are fighting. Their marriage is on the rocks and she isn’t sure she wants to stay with him. She thinks she should for the kids’ sake. Withholding her own happiness for them to be with their Father who isn’t only obese but emotionally has checked out on everyone.

I go to take a drink of coffee and discover more dead flies. I tell my sister that the flies hate me and are trying to take away the one enjoyment I have left in life, coffee drinking.  She, of course, laughs and says that it is the CIA bugging my coffee.  I really wonder if it is. Maybe they want to know my conversations with my sister as boring as they are.

It’s 4 p.m. time to walk down to the bus to get the girls. As I step out on the porch I see a pink and purple sky and I look down at the lawn chair you always sit on. I think to myself I should throw it away. It is a very bad reminder of what used to be.

The stray that lives in the shed walks up to me. I am shocked he actually is walking up the steps toward me. He is so beautiful. I wish he would let me pet him but he is feral and doesn’t like people much. He meows at me and I say to him,’ I am walking down to get the girls. Do you want to come?’ He meows and as I take a step forward, he runs. Guess not today.

I walk down that same dirt road. Soon I will know every rock by name. I look to the East and there is the moon in all her glory. She is going to be excellent tonight for she is full. I wish you were still here. It was wonderful having someone to sit on the porch with and look at all the stars in the bright sky.

I check the mail. Nothing. I wonder why I never get any mail. I guess that is better than all the bills I have. I keep paying them though. They are a great distraction. I think about enrolling into school so I can make more money. I really don’t make enough to pay all these bills alone.  Paying bills is so much easier when there are two people instead of one.

I watch for the bus with the sun in my eyes.  The sun sure does like to go down in abundant glory. Big orange ball making sure you know he is there and you won’t see him again for 12 hours. Shining with non verbal words saying, “You see me now. Look at my beauty. You will miss me when I leave. You know you want to look at me. I am blinding with fiery beauty.’ Crazy sun, sure is arrogant.

The bus finally arrives. I like having the girls home. They are a great distraction. We walk back to the house and once we are inside, I take off my shoes and coat to start dinner. After dinner, I clean up the kitchen.  I help them with their homework.  When it is finished, it is time for them to bathe then bed.

Its 7 p. m. so I turn on the telly again to find something to watch and all that is on is stuff you would enjoy. You were more of the telly person. You sure did enjoy your shows.  Now I am just trying to find something for noise. Got to be something.  The girls scream at me to stop. They want to watch whatever this is.

So I go to the computer for the last hour they are awake.  Facebook is great for a distraction and several old friends are on there. An hour of conversation would be nice.

I go to the stove and start the water for tea. I go again to ask you if you would like some and realize you’re not here. As the water is bowling in the black tea pot, I go back to the computer to talk to a friend.

Bobbie and I are having a conversation about 7th grade. She knows me. She knows the distraction of old boyfriends and stupid tricks on teachers will make me laugh. The tea pot sings her spectacular song of being done. I grab my blue tea mug and a bag of Earl Gray. I place the Earl Gray in the mug and wrap the string around the handle. I add honey and water then stir and walk back to Bobbie. She starts to tell me about her business class and what she has to finish for it.

I look at the time and tell the girls they need to go to bed. Wow. Already 8p.m. funny how time flies. Bobbie and I talk more. The sound of the television in the back ground is somewhat annoying but in a way calming. I feel like there are other adults in the house and I am safe.

Bobbie wants to know if I have decided on enrolling in school like she has. I tell her I may. She tells me about Bain having another run over the Tundra. She likes Alaska but she hates the governor. She says Sara Palin sucks and isn’t worth salt. I look up her track record and I have to agree with Bobbie. She doesn’t even like the wolves. Bobbie reminds me of the wolf hybrid her one boyfriend had. That was like the best dog ever. I think only Yoopers like half wolf dogs.

I type to Bobbie,’BRB’ and go retrieve another cup of Earl Gray. I remember Grandma and how she loved to drink this tea too.  You use to drink it with me also. I think to myself, ‘maybe I should change my choice of tea.’ I go back to Bobbie and our conversation. She is getting an A in her business class and has no idea how she is achieving such a grade. ‘Remember when we were in high school,’ she types,’ I couldn’t get anything past a C.’ I laugh and type ‘LOL. No you were too busy with the boys to care.’

Laughing seems so weird but I want to do it. I need to do it. I wonder to myself if I will ever be able to laugh right again. Bobbie types that she has to go to bed. I type,’ Good night.’ And look at the clock.

Finally its 9 p.m., I find Next Gen. I am so excited. Best thing on television. What do you know; it’s one of the episodes where Picard has a cup of ‘Earl Gray, Hot’. I love this show. This is all first season episodes so far nice to see the old crew.

I get up during a commercial and add a new tea bag to the mug. Tea bags never last long about 2 cups and then they are too weak. I walk back to the couch. Usually you would be there and I can cuddle under your arm to watch the show. I let out a long sigh. I sit down and watch the rest of the episode.

It is over now. I yawn and realize I am tired which I am most days. I get up from the couch and walk to the bedroom. I deposit my tea mug in the sink on the way.  As I walk into the bedroom, I look at the bed. It looks inviting but seems to be missing something. I get in and try to get warm under the covers but it is hard because you aren’t there projecting your heat. I finally drift off with the telly on.  It’s the only way I can sleep now.

The alarm rings its 6 a.m.

An Open Letter to Prince Charming.

I wrote this during a very bad time. D-I-V-O-R-C-E time! So now I have an open letter to Prince Charming. Enjoy.  I added the link and title to where I original published it. I was thinking about writing a new open letter which I am still working on but this one is a very good one as well.

Where is the handsome Prince of my dreams?

Dear Prince Charming
I was told you would come.
We would live in a mansion full of love.
Happily ever after is what I was told.
I feel so lied to.
It just isn’t so.
Where is the handsome Prince of my dreams?
The one I see smiling at me.
Where are you my Prince?
Why aren’t you here?
I see you so clearly,
When dreams are near.
Dear Prince Charming,
I was told you would kiss me.
Wake me from a sleep that seems never ending.
You would battle the witch for my hand.
Keep me safe in your arms while ruling our land.
Where is the handsome Prince of my dreams?
The one I see smiling at me.
Where are you my Prince?
Why aren’t you here?
I see you so clearly,
When dreams are near.

by me